Meeting Indigos

There are 26 significant traits that Indigo adults share (Are you an Indigo Adult?), and having most or all of the traits is a pretty significant feat in itself.

Indigos are special, but they just don’t yet understand how. Being psychic and empathic, and aware of other realities around themselves… these are pretty amazing things! But many Indigos find their feelings and perceptions confusing or frightening, and do their best to ignore them. They can often be emotionally unstable not only because of their childhood experiences growing up, but also because they don’t know how to deal with what’s going on inside their mind, living a life of confusion and anxiety because they don’t know how to cope or to adapt.

As I’ve learnt more about being Indigo, and spoken to other Indigos, I’ve learnt that the Indigo traits reflect a general pattern of childhood and adult experiences. As I’ve met and gotten to know some people, I’ve been curious when they’ve expressed feelings, opinions, and past experiences that’s made me wonder if they’re Indigo. So I’ve got them to read the 26 traits and note down which ones they relate to. I’ve not yet been wrong in being able to pick another Indigo from the things they talk about.

The most common attitude amongst the Indigos that I’m meeting is that they feel alone, misunderstood, and angry about all kinds of different things in their past and their present. They’ve had – or have – psychic or spiritual experiences, but don’t know what to make of them. They’re struggling with life, and with trying to cope with a reality they just feel comfortable fitting into. They belong in another reality, but they don’t know what it is yet.

I’ve also come to understand that people either relate to the 26 traits, in which case they’re likely Indigos, or they might relate to only some of them. I’ve found that most people don’t relate to even half of them, but those that relate to more than half usually seem to relate to more than 90%. It’s been amazing.

Not to mention my amazement that I seem to be drawing them out of the woodwork!

There’s something pulling me in a direction that feels like I want to help Indigos embrace their uniqueness, and to embrace their strength and their power. They have a purpose in this life, every single one of them – and I wonder if my purpose as an Indigo is to help them find theirs.

Is Dominance about controlling women?

I think it’s great when I get friends asking me questions, and I go into some detail to answer their question - and what happens? I get a blog post from it!

Question: regarding your ‘Dominant/submission’ interest, why do you feel the need to control women?

Answer: I don’t feel the need to control women. That’s not what ‘dominance’ is about. Instead, I feel the need to just be the dominant partner in a relationship.

Let me take the time to explain the difference between dominance and control. The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.

Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner.

Being the dominant part of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship carries significant responsibility. If you’re the Dom, your submissive partner is giving themselves to you, and you choose to become responsible for their mental and physical wellbeing within the dynamics of the relationship that you both agree to participate in. Rules and behaviours expected from each member are established through extensive communication, and the responsibility of mutual care is far more important than most ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) relationships.

A Dominant (Dom) partner agrees and commits to the responsibility their submissive partner gives to them. They have as much ‘control’ as the sub lets them have, but the sub wants the Dom to push their limits, to be challenged. The dynamics of such D/s relationships are concerned with growth and mutual happiness, but attains this with methods that are usually completely different to ‘vanilla’ relationships.

Even in the so-called ‘vanilla’ relationships, people always practice dominance and submission. Two people having sex can not be on top at the same time. One is on top, one is on the bottom. One is dominating the experience, the other is submitting, and occasionally (or often) they switch places. (These terms are also common within BDSM: tops, bottoms and switches.)

Most vanilla relationships establish some form of dominance/submission pattern within the bedroom, while either engaging in equality outside the bedroom, or even being the opposite of who they are in the bedroom. For example, one partner might be submissive in the bedroom, but is the dominant member of the household (think about who ‘wears the pants’ in your relationship, and they’re the dominant partner). Or they’re submissive to their partner in the bedroom, while being the CEO of a large company.

Dominance and submission is a natural part of life. The BDSM lifestyle takes what many ‘vanilla’ people hide and keep secret, and instead lives it openly. Where most people are embarrassed to say “I’m dominant” or “I’m submissive” because of social taboos about dominance and submission, people in the BDSM lifestyle say “Frack you, I’ll be whatever the hell I want to be!”

What’s really interesting for me is that I’ve always been saying to people they should live their own life, do what they want to do, follow their heart, stop listening to others, and especially stop listening to what society tells them they should do. And yet I’ve been choosing to get involved in vanilla relationships that are what society tells me they should be. My practices have been inconsistent with my teachings.

When people start following their heart, they start moving away from the restrictions of a taboo-based society, and more into the path of what their true nature really is. When they listen to their heart, their authentic life starts to become available to them.

There is freedom in living how you feel is most natural for you, and there is slavery in allowing a society to dictate who you should be, and what you should be doing.

Consider exploring how you can follow your heart. I can guarantee you that it will change your life.

Dominance and Submission

I’ve recently met a woman who wanted to be dominated, and she thought I would be a good candidate for that. I agreed with her.

How’s that for an intro? :)

As this blog is about my life, I, of course, wanted to write about it, but I’ve had some difficulty with going about it. I thought about creating an anonymous blog because I was uncertain how I could talk about something like this without getting myself ostracised by my readers and some of my friends.

But then I realised I care too much about what others think…

I’ve talked about sex quite a lot in the past, and I’ve talked about alternative sexual practices and concepts. So what else is new, right? After all, that’s what this blog seems to be all about!

And I know for a fact that some of my regular visitors are only here for the ‘juicy bits’, and they’ve been waiting a long time since I last talked about something juicy.

So let’s get into it.

The last time I experienced something like ‘dominance / submission’ was back when I was going out with Venus, in 2001. She was into B&D (bondage & discipline), and she introduced me to all the things that she liked to have done to her. She wasn’t exactly submissive, but she certainly did enjoy all the things that went with B&D. I had some of the most incredible sex of my life, and I always knew it was because of what we did together. I’ve been looking for something like that ever since.

Six years before her I dated a woman named Cherie who, I realise now, was definitely very submissive. As I re-read that post describing my experiences with her, and what she was like, I understand now what kind of person she really was.

I loved the submission – but I didn’t love the lack of intelligent conversation. That’s always been something that’s important to me, and has never changed.

In 2005 I wrote a post I called Respect. It was about my experiences with Asian women. In it, I wrote:

…I was more interested in being with an asian woman than a western woman. The main reason for this was that throughout the relationships I’d had and the things that I’d learnt, what stuck out was that asian women respect what their men do for them, something that in my experience most western women do not. I learnt that what many westerners see as asian submissiveness is actually misunderstood by them, and is instead respect and appreciation for someone who cares for them.

“You fool,” I tell myself now; “They were right – it IS submissiveness!” (But it was also respect and appreciation for what a reliable man brings into their life.)

All this time I’ve been fooling myself. And why? Because I didn’t want to think of myself as a man wanting a submissive woman. It made me feel weak, because of today’s social stereotypes about men and women. Women say they want equality, and they don’t want to be dominated. I listened to them, and I ‘lost my way’.

When I was reading back over my post about Cherie, I realised that while I was an arsehole back in 1995, I was also the ‘dominant’ partner in that relationship. I was just too much of an arsehole to secure the relationship, and instead I ran in fear. I recognise now that, to an extent, I’ve been running in fear ever since.

I was horrified at how I treated her. I could have handled it very differently, but I didn’t. As a result of my ‘horror’, I went completely the other way. I stopped being dominant, in order to be a woman-pleaser. I became a wimp, all because I didn’t like how I treated Cherie. I didn’t become submissive myself, but I certainly was no longer as confident with women as I felt at that time.

After Cherie, I had a 5 year drought, where I couldn’t hold a woman’s attention for more than 2 dates. It was shocking! It wasn’t until 1999 that I was able to develop a relationship with a woman, and I know it was because I started acting confident again, taking charge of the situation that developed so that it led into a relationship.

I’ve never had a problem developing relationships with women since then. I think it took me that 5 years of ‘struggle’ with dating to find some kind of balance between wimpiness and dominance, and to sit in that space I thought society wanted me to be.

But then I got angry.

Passive aggression really started to become an issue in my relationships from about 2001 onwards, but I wasn’t aware of the issues as being all about me. That’s what passive aggression does to you, it makes you think it’s everyone else with the problem. When I became aware of it in 2006, I traced it back to my childhood, of course, as that’s where most passive aggression disorders develop.

So I’ve been working through passive aggression since then, and starting to come to terms with the various anger issues in my life only in the past few months. I’m only now starting to realise where that anger was truly coming from.

I was suppressing my instincts. In order to try and be what society wanted me to be, in order to fit in and be accepted, I was ignoring who I really was.

Most of the arguments in my intimate relationships were a result of my partners struggling for dominance with me. In my attempts to be ‘equal’, I was choosing women who were just like me.

No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.

I’m actually a little disturbed by the thought that I, as a bull, have been trying to partner with other bulls… Figuratively speaking, of course. ;)

There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man.

This is just the natural order of things.

Also, a woman can be dominant at work, while submissive at home, or even dominant at home (if she has a submissive partner) while being submissive at work… It’s all about the natural balance of relationships.

I’m realising I’ve been disturbing my natural balance.

Well, times are a-changin’ for me yet again. It’s time I started embracing my natural self and become that damned bull again. And I need to stop looking for other ‘bulls’ to be with! I’m so very, very tired of butting heads….