Choose yourself, not your abuser

For all kinds of different reasons, we may end up in the wrong relationship with someone. When things go bad, we try to hold on to those relationships because it's important to us to try and show our commitment by staying with them, trying to work through things, and trying to make the relationship a good one instead of a bad one. Nice sentiments, but not always practical.

If you're with the wrong man, then you might be struggling because you're both trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

One of the things I've come to understand over the years is that passive aggression (something I'm intimately familiar with) exists in all people, but for most of them, it only occurs in isolated instances. People with passive aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) have it most of the time. It affects their life, and their relationships.

And one of the most fascinating aspects of PAPD is that it seems mostly men suffer it. But the very nature of its most predominant symptom of denying their responsibility means they avoid seeking healing because they don't want to believe they're responsible for the issues in their life or relationships.

I also came to understand from my own experiences that when I wasn't around people trying to control me, I wasn't passive aggressive. Part of my own problem in life was that sometimes I was choosing the wrong women to be around, and this is part of the problem with all PAPD sufferers - and their partners too. They choose the wrong people.

Loving connections between people include mutual respect, care, support, communication, and happiness. Having all of those in your relationship means you're with the right person. Maintaining that takes effort, but you should be maintaining a state of happiness and fulfillment. When you're trying to constantly fix something that's just broken, you're in the wrong relationship and you're wasting your time and your life.

Your consistent happiness over time is a sign of whether or not a relationship is right for you.

[Tweet "If you're happy, keep going. If you're unhappy, change course."]

If you're unhappy and struggling in your relationship, get the hell out of it. You don't need to be with someone who abuses you with their behaviour. They're not going to change, because if that was likely, they'd already be trying to change and trying to talk to you about their issues and seeking your help to overcome them.

If they're not doing that, all you can do is look forward to more of their continued abusive behaviour if you stay with them.

And you know what? A big part of the reason your partner abuses you with passive aggression - or other forms of abuse - is because you're still with him, regardless of everything he's done. You've been inadvertently telling him that it's ok to abuse you. If it wasn't ok, you'd leave him. Since you're still with him, it must be ok. That's what he's thinking.

I want you to choose yourself. Choose your own happiness. Choose a good life.

If you're in such a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive or abusive in any other way, I want you to know that I'm here for you, to help you with any questions you have, any advice you need, or any guidance. As long as it's all based on choosing yourself and moving on. You need to move on. You need to leave him behind. You need to get the hell out of this abusive situation you're in, and start building a wonderful, exciting and happy life for yourself.

I know you can do that.

How did I change my own situation, and get treatment? How did I heal my own passive aggressive personality disorder? I realised I was the one at fault. I had to take control of my life, and take ownership of my responsibilities. I had to make important decisions about what was working in my life and what wasn't, and I had to walk away from what wasn't working so that I could work out what did work.

I took some time out for myself, spent three years exploring my life while single, trying to work out exactly what kind of person I wanted or needed to be, and what kind of person I needed to be with. I needed to know myself in order to know who I was best suited to be with in a relationship.

I worked out that I had been choosing women who were dominant like me. We were two bulls butting horns, all the time, and that's why I was passive aggressive in those relationships. There were relationships I'd had with women where I wasn't passive aggressive.

Once I knew what was going on, and why my passive aggression was being triggered, I knew what kind of woman I needed to be with. From that moment, I very quickly found my ideal woman for me and thankfully, I happened to be the ideal man for her. We've been together for almost 3 years, and got married about 6 months ago. She's perfect for me because she doesn't trigger my passive aggression at all.

If you like being in control in your relationships, for whatever reasons, then don't be with someone that hates being controlled. Trying to control someone that doesn't want to be controlled is a 'trigger' for their passive aggression, especially if they feel it's unsafe for them to express themselves.

If you're a dominant personality and experiencing passive aggressive reactions from your partner who is also dominant, then you might need to be with a submissive personality in order for your relationship to work. And if that's your choice, such a relationship is perfectly ok. Whatever makes two people happy is absolutely perfect. It doesn't matter what other people think; it's not their life you're living.

In order to heal, you need to avoid whatever it is that's been hurting you, so that you can have the space and the time to heal your wounds.

If you're here reading this because you're at a point in your life and your relationship that you're considering choosing yourself instead of your abuser, I know it's not an easy journey you're considering. I wish you all the strength in the world.

I have some great friends

One of the things that's become clear to me now that I'm leaving Canberra and heading off to Melbourne is how close my friends are. Some of them have expressed their sadness that I'm going. One of my friends told me that I'm the only real friend he has in Canberra, and when he found out I was leaving, he cried.

I cried too. I'm touched by the quality of friends I have in my life. I'm sad that I'm moving on. Most of these friends have been close to me for over 17 years now. Some of them are reasonably new, and yet the quality of our friendships are the same - deep, authentic, and heartwarming.

They honour me with their feelings, and with the connections they wish to maintain with me. I'm privileged to have such wonderful friends in my life. For as long as I've known them, they've always been there for me, and I think they always will be.



They're all good people, who I've been happy to continue being friends with. Every single one of them. They've made an effort to be part of my life, just like I've made an effort to be part of theirs.

I'm going to miss them when I go to Melbourne, but I know from experience that the internet can maintain strong friendships, and sometimes even enhance them.

One of my good friends today was only an acquaintance when I moved to New Zealand in 2000, but via a mailing list I created to keep in touch with my friends, he and I became much closer through the emails we shared with each other. When I came back to Australia in 2007 we had become very good friends by then. All because of email, and our communications with it.

So to try and do what experience has shown me actually works, I set up a Facebook group last weekend, and added all my close friends to it. Those who are on Facebook, at least. Using the group, I'll share with them various updates and stories that I want to share with them, and hopefully they'll share their own updates and stories, and together we'll maintain our friendships despite the distance between us.

That's the plan, at least. Time will tell if it works or not.

I have some great friends. I'm thankful for that.

David, Ken, Garrie, Damien, James, Ella, David, Peter, Andrew, Nick, Stephen. I can't make all of you first in the list, but you're all first in my life. Thank you for your friendships. Make sure you keep in touch. You'll always have my love, and my gratitude.

Be a better man

Discovering you have passive aggressive behaviours and responses to the point that it's become a personality disorder (PAPD, or Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder) can be something of a shock. When I discovered this about myself it left me depressed for a few months before I came out the other side.

For me, I realised that all the things that had gone wrong in my life were my fault, and not anyone else's as I had thought it was. Things could have been different if I had been different.

Even though I couldn't change the past, I could change my future by making sure I avoided doing the things that I'd been doing before. I could learn from my mistakes to try and do things differently so that the experiences of my life would be different.

It was pretty amazing how much of a change that created in my life. My career and my income moved forward in leaps and bounds. I left my fiancee (not the same fiancee I'm married to now!) when I realised that we were wrong for each other, and that the biggest reason for my passive aggression was because I was trying to be a good partner to an angry woman, and what I did just inspired more anger from her, which resulted in more defensive passive aggression from me.

Instead of making each other happy, all we were doing was making each other angry. We spent three years trying to find a way to overcome our communication and emotional challenges, but eventually it was just ridiculous. We weren't suited for each other, and we needed to accept that and move on. So I did.

Healing my passive aggression meant that I had to avoid people that made me angry and frustrated, and find people that made me calm and happy.

That's pretty much the secret to finding success in relationships. Find someone who makes you calm and happy, and do whatever the hell you can to keep them calm and happy too.

Whether it's a happy wife or a happy girlfriend - if they're happy, then you're happy too. Finding that woman can be a challenge though, but you owe it to yourself to find a way.

If you're with someone that you can't make it work, no matter how much you try, then you're probably with the wrong person, and fighting to make it work just results in you fighting.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses and get out while you still can. Sort your shit out, and take careful stock of the kind of partner that works best with you in a relationship.

Understand who you are, and what you need in a partner, and then look for that person. Treasure them when you find them, because they're exactly that - treasure.

Finding someone that matches who you are, and loves you and supports you without constantly getting angry with you, is one of the most difficult things in the world to find.

But for them to love you, you also have to be worth their love. For them to avoid getting angry with you, you have to avoid doing things that cause anger.

You have to be a better man than what you are today. You have to be. There's no other choice, and you have to look at it that way.

It's a challenging road to be on, and it can take many years to feel like you're getting somewhere. But hold on to the vision in your mind of who you want to be, and who you want to be with, and you'll get there eventually.

Finding the D/s balance in relationships

It feels like such a long time ago now, but it was only a few years ago that I explored the nature of relationships and sexuality within the BDSM lifestyle. I enjoyed what I learned and experienced, especially what I learned about myself. Exploring BDSM helped me understand what kind of person I really was, and what kind of woman I wanted to be with.

It's not for everyone, that's for sure. BDSM stands for 'Bondage-Discipline/Dominance-Submission/Sadism-Masochism'. The opposite of BDSM is 'vanilla', which is the 'normal' sexual relationships that most people have. One of the things I discovered about myself was that even though I wasn't 'vanilla', I also wasn't as extreme with what I enjoyed as many within the BDSM lifestyle seemed to be. And it was those extremes which made me realise I didn't need or want to be part of it any more, and so I moved on from it.

I first wrote about this back in 2009, in a post called Dominance and submission. At the time I was in the early days of my exploration of it, and I was excited to discover that I was a 'dominant' person, in regards to my relationship and sexual preferences. In light of the realisations I was having, many of my past relationship and sexual experiences began to fall into place in such a way that I understood a lot of my attitudes were completely wrong. No wonder I sucked at gaining and keeping the attention of women! But at the time, I never knew. I was young, innocent, and naive about the reality of men and women and sexual relationships.

The recent success of the book 50 Shades of Grey has shown the world that many, many women love the idea of being completely and utterly dominated by a man, sexually and emotionally. And even though they might say they don't want to be tied up or engage in other forms of bondage, they're all fantasizing about it. They just don't want to admit it because they think society will judge them harshly for it. But alone, in their minds, that's exactly what they want.



Men are, as a result of the mixed messages out there, confused about what they should be doing in today's world. On one hand there's the success of 50 Shades of Grey saying women want to be dominated by men, supported by the hundreds of thousands of women who made it so popular, and yet on the other hand there's thousands of screaming feminists who say they don't - who, ironically, are also buying the book themselves.

And to be honest, men's confusion about what's expected of them results in creating more problems for themselves that could be resolved if they just took charge of their lives and their relationships. As Kelly Marceau says:

There is nothing unsexier to a woman ... than a guy who is still potty training emotionally, and yet these types are running rampant in our culture.

She's certainly right about that. But what she doesn't seem to understand is that women like her have created these men in the first place.

If you read her post, she's basically having a huge rant about how men should stop being wimps and 'man up' so that they would appreciate a strong, independent woman like her.

But you see, most men don't want to be with strong, independent women, because such women simply drive men away. They think to themselves, 'you can take your strong, independent, bitch attitude and find someone else to nag with your demands and power talks.'

A dominant man is a man who knows himself, and who lives the life that he wants to live. He doesn't care what others think, because he doesn't need their approval or acceptance. He will do what he believes is best for him and those he cares about, and he'll ignore anyone that tells him to do or become what they want if it doesn't align with his own values. He'll still be respectful of others, and especially of those he loves, but he won't put up with abuse or disrespect, from anyone.

It's this kind of man that most women are looking for.

The dominant man doesn't want to be with a dominant woman. He doesn't want to have to spend his time fighting for dominance, for control, or to argue with the foolish or the stupid.

A dominant man needs a submissive woman, just like a dominant woman needs a submissive man. It's this yin and yang towards harmonious balance that works best in any relationship, and anyone that tells you differently is confused, mistaken, and completely unaware of how things really work. They're also probably single or if they're in a relationship, then it's probably with someone they're arguing with all the time.



Feminine women are submissive women, but there's a huge misunderstanding these days of what it means for a woman to be feminine or submissive. Being submissive does not mean she's a slave (although some women are), nor does it mean she accepts being abused (although many women do). There's a difference between being submissive and being weak.

When you have a woman being feminine and submissive instead of weak and insecure, you have a woman who is powerful. Her power is such that it makes men fall more deeply in love with her. It makes men want to do more for her. It makes men mad with desire for her, because her own power makes men feel powerful. The power she has is to let him have power over her. It's her choice, it's what she wants.

And that is also what men want. When they find a woman that can give them these feelings, who make them feel strong and powerful, then they will do everything they can to hold on to her, to look after her, and to reward her for the gifts that she gives them.

It's a great responsibility that a submissive, feminine woman gives a man that she loves and respects. When she finds this man that she trusts completely, that she can let go of her deepest inhibitions with, and know that he will respect the power she lets him have over her, then a wonderful thing happens. You have a deep, trusting and loving connection where two (or more) people can truly be themselves with each other, and be safe within those experiences.

While a woman's femininity and submissiveness is powerful, weakness and insecurity is not. A feminine woman is also a strong woman, and she will choose to be with a man who is respectful of her, who will appreciate her submissiveness, and she will appreciate his dominance. A weak woman, however, will not be able to appreciate a dominant man - and he won't be interested in her either. A weak and insecure woman is far more likely to be with a controlling man than a dominant man.

Some years ago I wrote Is dominance about controlling women?:

The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.

Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner.

As we've discussed earlier in this post, there are many men who are still emotionally in potty training. Many of them might even think they're dominant men, but they're not. If they're trying to be dominant, it's more likely that they're trying to control others with emotional or physical abuse, thinking that's what being dominant is all about.

Luckily for us, they're a significant minority, but the rest of these men are still very weak and insecure themselves. They don't know how to take charge of their relationships, and the result is a complete imbalance in their life experiences and the kinds of relationships they're having.

Many of these emotionally weak men can only get emotionally weak women - like attracts like, after all. Strong women will not want to be with weak men, and strong men will not want to be with weak women.

And that's also where a lot of misunderstanding occurs - many people these days think a feminine woman is weak, but she's actually incredibly strong. Submitting to a dominant man takes amazing strength.

And really, when you look around you, how many weak and insecure women are also feminine and submissive? Not many. Most of the weak and insecure women seem to try and overcome their issues by being loud, obnoxious and abusive. Most of them are exactly like the weak and insecure men - thinking that they need to control their partner or others in their life through emotional or physical abuse.

They're like yapping chihuaha dogs, always barking at everyone and everything in order to try and pretend they're bigger than what they actually feel.



A feminine, submissive woman looks after herself, keeps herself fit, and tries to look her best at all times. She's respectful towards herself, towards other people, and her partner. She knows that pleasing her dominant partner is her mission in life.



A long time ago, I thought it was bad to be a dominant man with a submissive woman, but that's only because I was listening to a politically correct society trying to cater to the needs of the emotionally confused. Instead of following my heart, I was following the crowd. And the result was failure after failure. I was one of those weak and insecure men who hadn't found myself yet.

You see, I was choosing women who were my equal, because that's what society said I should be doing. I was choosing women who were also dominant personalities like I was. And the results were disastrous. As I said in my Dominance and submission post:

No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.

Every relationship needs to have a balance. Someone needs to be in charge, while the other lets them. Someone needs to be dominant, and the other submissive.

I also said this:

There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man. This is just the natural order of things.

Both men and women can be the dominant ones in their relationship, and they can even swap this role when it feels right to do so. But when you get everyone wanting to be dominant, then you get a relationship that won't work.

That was the story of my life, until I realised the truth of things, and I realised I needed to be with a woman who wouldn't butt heads with me all the time.

I'm married now with a woman who's completely and absolutely perfect for me. She's submissive when I need to be dominant (most of the time), and yet she's dominant when I feel submissive (some of the time). When I just can't be fucked being the strong one, she's there to take the load. Most of the time I'm her 'rock', but there are also plenty of times when she's my rock too.

The beauty of it is that we let each other be whatever we recognise we need to be, in the moment. There are times when my wife lowers her head in front of me in submission, letting me have the control or the dominance in the moment, and all I can do is take her into my arms and hold her. And there are times when she looks me in the eye and asks me what the hell are you thinking? when I've done something foolish. (I'm only human!) I love all her ways.

Her submissiveness is her femininity in the face of my masculinity. When she surrenders her control, I have to step up and take control. Her vulnerability encourages me to be more of a man, to take control of situations that she struggles with,. And her strength is in recognising that the give and take of dominance and submission in our relationships is exactly how it needs to be. She knows when to be submissive and when to be dominant, and she's amazing because of that.

What I've also appreciated is that being with a woman who lets me be dominant has been the best path for me to heal my own passive aggressive issues. These issues mostly resulted in the first place from fighting and arguing with women who have tried to dominate me at all levels, because that's what they wanted and needed. I wasn't the man for them, and they weren't the women for me.



Finding your own perfect partner comes from understanding who you are and what you need, and then looking for the person who complements your unique personality.

If you're a man who needs to be dominant, then you don't want to be with a woman who also needs to be dominant. Your individual attempts (and fights) to 'be in charge' will be disastrous.

If you're a woman who needs to be with a strong man who will love and respect you and never put up with your shit, then you don't want to be with a man who's too weak to stand up to you. He'll disgust you.

Understanding who we are is the path to finding happiness with another person that will allow us to be ourselves, and who will love and appreciate that we allow them to be themselves too.

Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Or are you still confused? It might be time to start changing that around.

6 Predictions for my life in 2014

It's still New Year's Eve as I write this. It's almost 10pm and I'm sitting in bed with the laptop. I don't even have a drink with me. All my friends are doing their own thing this evening, so it's just me and my wife. One of my friends was going to come over for some drinks, but he hasn't shown up or texted to let me know what's going on.

So I'm sitting in bed writing to you instead.

Both my wife and I are introverts and proud of it, so if either of us have a choice, then we prefer the quiet, peaceful, calm choice.



While it's great to spend time with friends, if there's no friends to spend time with then we find it's also great to just spend time by ourselves; either doing something together, or doing our own things independently, or doing our own things together. Like right now.

It's New Year's Eve and she's watching Chinese TV shows over the internet on her laptop. And I'm writing to you.

I've already written my obligatory new year's eve post, Goodbye 2013, hello 2014, but I wanted to write something else. I wanted to write about my predictions for this coming year for me, which I intend to review at the end of 2014.

I believe that our life's experiences are based on our thoughts leading to actions, leading to outcomes. So I also believe that if we spend time with our thoughts, working out what we want to act upon, then we can dictate outcomes with a better degree of accuracy than if we act without thinking.

So I want to make 2014 a more thoughtful, determined year, and I'm starting now by putting into motion the thoughts that will lead to actions, which I plan on leading to outcomes.

My wife thinks these are my New Year's Resolutions. Maybe she's right. But I still prefer to treat them as predictions of my desired outcomes for 2014.

These are the outcomes that I predict I will achieve by the end of 2014:

Outcome 1: I'll be earning a minimum of $500 a week from paid online writing.

I say 'minimum' because I don't want to limit my prediction. The sky's the limit!



I've already started earning a bit of money from content writing for website developers, helping them create website content for their clients. I have one company I've started working with here in Canberra (a few weeks ago), and I started talking to another company today, based in Sydney. They're both seeking to provide websites for clients, and they need someone who's good at writing content to flesh out website pages for those clients. That's where I come in.

My thinking is that as long as I continue doing what I've started, and seeking more and more opportunities to build upon what I'm doing, that I'll see this prediction come true.

Outcome 2: I will have 3 eBooks available for people to purchase.

To have 3 eBooks available in 12 months, I'll aim for 1 eBook per every 4 months.

What will they be about? I expect they'll be related to the theme of this blog - my journey in life.

Outcome 3: I will have a baby [boy? girl?] and my family life will begin.

One of the things I don't want to do is have children as a result of an accidental pregnancy. Now that we're married, my wife and I are planning to have our first child in the next 12 months. We think twins would be a great outcome, but we plan on having no more than two children, with at most a 2 year break between them.



Outcome 4: I will have travelled to New Zealand for our honeymoon, as well as to China for a holiday.

Due to 2013 being a particularly tough year, we haven't been able to afford a honeymoon. So we're looking forward to being able to go to New Zealand for our honeymoon in 2014.

I used to live there for a period, from 2000 to 2007. It's the most beautiful country on Earth, and I want to take my wife to see it and appreciate its beauty as much as I do. She loves Lord of the Rings as well as The Hobbit, so she already has her own motivations for seeing the country.



Her parents are in China, and we both want to go there not just to see them, but to see more of the country. She wants to show me around her home, and I want to see more of one of the most fascinating countries in the world. We'll go to Hong Kong and Guangzhou.

Outcome 5: I will have written a minimum of 200,000 words for the year.

With my intention to write at least 500 words a day, that's at least 182,500 words over 365 days. With some extra words from those 1000 word posts I'll still continue to do (this one is at 810 words right now), as well as the eBooks I'll be writing, I think 200,000 words is quite a reasonable outcome over a 12 month period.

With an average book being over 40,000 words, it means I'll have written enough for 5 books...

Outcome 6: I will have a plan for how I can travel around the world, with a family, while earning money from the internet, while disabled.

That's my ultimate goal right now: to travel the world, despite my disability, while being able to afford such a life with money earned from internet businesses, and having a wife and children along for the ride.

Others do it, so I'm sure I can too.



Remember, this outcome is simply to have a plan in place. For me, that requires a lot of research into how I can make it happen, and then writing it out in a way that I can make it happen for me, while making sure that all requirements are also in place to make it happen.

Once that's done, I think 2015 will be a very interesting year indeed.

What about you? What are your predictions - or resolutions - for your life in 2014?

As a final note

I like to believe that what we do on New Year's Eve sets the tone for what we do in the following year.

Tonight I've written over 1000 words with this post so far, and I've finished at 11:45pm. I strongly feel that this has set a wonderfully positive foundation for what I'll be doing over the next 12 months.

My darling wife has to work tomorrow, so she's already gone to sleep.


This isn't us, but it's almost exactly like this exact moment. :)Remember what I said above about peace and quiet? That's right - sleeping on New Year's Eve is much better for us than going out partying and experiencing loud noises and loud people!

I'm going to have a shower and join her. We'll sleep blissfully into the new year.

All the best to you and your loved ones for 2014. I wish you all the very best.

Be with people who truly value you

Look around you at the people you hang out with. How many of them seek to be with you, compared to how many you seek to be with? If you didn't keep in touch with them, would they try to keep in touch with you? Would they want to catch up? Would they care?

How many people in your life never call you? Never get in touch with you? Never hang out with you the way they used to?

I can imagine that there's a few people who come to your mind straight away.

Here's the thing - if people value you in their lives, they'll want to be around you. If they don't value you, then they won't want to be around you.

Think about that when you think about your 'close' friends that never call or contact you in any way.

When you're chasing someone who isn't chasing you, you're trying to convince them that you're worth being with. But the truth is, you don't believe that yourself, because if you did, you would sit back and let people come to you while you're enjoying your life.

If you were someone that people wanted to be with, to share their lives with, then the truth is that they would be trying to spend more time with you.

If they're not doing that, then you're not worth it to them.

But they're not worth it to you either.

Why are you chasing them? What are you getting from them that makes you want to continue having them in your life?

In this kind of situation, you're seeking validation; these people will tolerate you, and that makes you feel better about yourself and your life.

A long time ago I used to chase my friends. I used to think I had friendssimply because they tolerated my presence when I turned up to spend time with them.

But then I started experimenting in my life. I started wondering who my real friends were, which of them would get in touch with me if they didn't hear from me for a while.

I quickly broke the habit of chasing people, and ended up being very surprised about which of them would end up contacting me and finding out how I was, because they were concerned they hadn't heard from me.

But the rest of them, I just let them drift on in the wake of my life's journey.

If I wasn't someone that they wanted to be with, why should I push that upon them? Why should I try and force them to be with someone they cared so little about?

I know that life's experiences and the passing of time can make us lose touch with people that we once did care about, but if we still care about them, then we'll make the effort to keep in touch with them.

The best you can do is get on with your life, learn how to enjoy yourself and your life without needing other people to validate it for you.

If a person doesn't appreciate you for who you are, they don't deserve you. Respect yourself and be with people in your life who truly value who you are.

How to eliminate jealousy from relationships

Many people in relationships, both men and women, have huge issues with their partner having friendships with the opposite sex, often experiencing jealousy at the thought. If you're someone who often finds yourself suspicious or jealous about your partner's opposite-sex friends, then you might find this article helpful.

What do I mean by 'opposite-sex friends'? Well, if you're a man then you'd be jealous or suspicious of your partner spending time with other men, and if you're a woman then you'd be jealous of your partner spending time with other women.

This is because you know that intimate temptations can often arise from platonic friendships, and your own insecurity about yourself and the strength of your relationship will cause you to fear losing your partner to someone who you're afraid might be better than you. Even if you don't lose them, you fear they will cheat on you behind your back.

These fears can be incredibly debilitating. They can drive you insane! You can have so much fear and jealousy inside of you that it can make you do things which really screw up the relationship in ways you never really thought about.

So how you get around that?

For a start, you need to know you do not have the right to dictate who your partner can or can’t see.

It doesn't matter if you're a man telling your girlfriend or wife who they can or can't see, or a woman telling your boyfriend or husband the same. It's completely and absolutely wrong, and will only end up completely and absolutely destroying the relationship you have with them. Do you really think they're going to love and respect you when you treat them like a slave, and order them around?

Freedom is of utmost importance.

Your jealousy is based on insecurity, and your insecurity inspires you to try and create security through control. If you’re trying to defeat your jealousy by controlling your partner, then your relationship is headed for disaster.

Men and women who are insecure and jealous need to understand a very basic fact: attempting to control your relationship with another person only creates resentment in them towards you. This will lead to them leaving you, often to run away and be with the very person that you're jealous about, but only because your jealousy was pushing them away in the first place.

You see, being afraid of this happening often makes it happen, because your jealousy inspires you to control them, which only inspires them to run away.

In order to ensure your partner stays with you, you have to be willing to let them go.

Yes, it’s almost a paradox. How can you let someone go that you want to stay with you more than anything?

You can do this by understanding that you’re not in control, and you never should be, and that your partner has the right to leave you any time they choose, just like you have that same right to leave them.

It all depends on how satisfying the relationship is that they're having with you. If you're giving your partner everything they needs and want, then they're not going to look for someone else to give them what you're already giving. If you're denying them anything that they need or want, however, then they will look for them somewhere else.

Freedom is the absolute foundation of what you must give the person you love and care about.

If you give your wife the freedom to have friendships with other men, and you satisfy her in all the ways that are important to her, then she’s not going to want to stray across any boundaries. How can she stray across boundaries when the boundaries don’t exist? Why would she look for happiness elsewhere, when you're already making her happy?



If you give your husband the freedom to have friendships with other women, and you satisfy him in all the ways that are important to him, then he's not going to stray either. He'll know a good thing when he's got it, and he won't do anything to harm that.

Remember what I wrote above: your partner has the right to leave you any time they choose.

This is really important, because it helps you understand that they can leave you at any time. Stopping your girlfriend or wife from being friends with other men is only going to make her want to leave sooner. And stopping him from being friends with other women only makes it obvious to him that you are jealous, insecure, weak, and a control freak. Do you want your partner to end up disliking everything you stand for?

Your jealousy, insecurity and control issues are your issues, not your partners. And if you don’t get leave those issues behind, then your partner will get leave you behind.

You need to understand that you will keep your relationship longer if you are the best that you can be, whether you're a man or a woman. Don’t be the worst you can be - be the best.

And if you're a woman, don't think that attitudes of entitlement will get you what you want. You have to give him what he wants, for him to give you what you want. If you don't, he's going to decide to go find another woman who will.

Treat each other with respect, love and understanding, and expect the same thing in return. Treat your loved partner as you want to be treated by them, and make sure they understands this, so that they know what your own expectations are about the relationship.

You need to communicate with each other what your thoughts are about your life, and your relationship, about yourself and about him or her. Communicate the freedom you’re giving. Get them to talk with you about anything. Don’t make your partner afraid or cautious to discuss things with you, because you react badly when they do. Let them have the safety and reassurance that no matter what, you're there in this world with each other and you will support each other. Let them understand that you know you can’t be everything for them, but if there’s anything that they feel is lacking in the relationship, reassure them that they can talk about it with you.

Having your partner feel comfortable to talk about relationship issues with you only helps you see where and how you can improve your attitudes towards them and the relationship. If she feels the desire to be friends with other men, let her. If he has friendships with other women, don’t even ask about them, just let him share his life and friends with you as he sees fit. Be appreciative that there are people in your partner's life that are helping give them happiness, which is happiness you can share in. You can’t be everything to your partner, so stop trying, and stop demanding they try.

You have to trust your partner, and trust that they're not going to screw up a good thing by playing around with others behind your back. You have to trust that they're going to treat you as you want to be treated, and you have to show that by first treating them the same way.

Give the person you love the freedom to live the life that they wants to live, to share with you what they want to share, and to have the friends – of any gender – that they want to have. Appreciate a life shared, with someone who loves you, and who is loved by you.



If there are any men in her life acting like ‘predators’, she’ll reject them if she has your trust, understanding and acceptance. Any man who tells her they’re better than you, that she should be with them instead of you, are only going to be told where to go! How can they be better than you - or even a good man in the first place - when they’re trying to destroy her current relationship? They prove themselves to be assholes. You have to trust that she’ll make the right choice.

If there's any women in your man's life acting like sluts, he'll reject them if he has your trust, understanding and acceptance. Any woman who tells him they're better than you will get dropped from his social circles faster than you can imagine. There's no way he'll want to screw over his wonderful, loving relationship with you for some 'skanky ho' that proves she's a bitch by not respecting the relationship he has with you.

And if your partner doesn’t, then that’s also their choice, even if you think it’s the wrong one. If they decide to sleep with someone else and betray your trust, then they're telling you that they're not worthy of your trust. They're helping you develop a greater understanding about who they are, and you can make better choices as a result.

Giving them freedom is about letting them do what they feel they need to do, even if it’s to leave you or betray you. And if you’ve understood that they have the right to make these choices at any time, then you’ll let them go. You can move on with your life, thankful that you're not wasting your time with someone that doesn't deserve you.

Sure, you’ll be incredibly heartbroken, especially if you feel your trust and your love was betrayed, but you can’t be any better than the best that you can be, and if that’s just not enough, then they're not the right one for you.

Look for the person who will love you, respect you and appreciate the freedom and trust you give them, and who gives you the same in return. You can’t do any better than that.

The connections in our lives

One of the things we strive for in our lives is meaningful connections with other people or, to use the more common phrase, meaningful relationships. 'No man is an island', as the saying goes, which means that only when human beings are connected with others do they find meaning and joy in their lives, allowing them to grow and thrive.

Connections that we have with other people can take many forms; some of them are workmates or acquaintances, while some are friendships. Other connections can end up being more meaningful than others, and partnerships are formed, with many of these involving marriage and then family, which creates even more connections with children growing up into adults, and so on. The ongoing cycles of life.

We can often find inspiration and motivation to achieve goals simply because of a connection we have with someone, or with a number of people. We strive to make our lives better because doing so will make life better for those people we're connected to, that we have a great deal of care for.

We can also find ourselves without motivation or inspiration, 'down in the dumps', depressed and miserable - and alone.

If you have a look at those who are depressed, I feel confident it's because they're lacking meaningful connections in their lives, or theythink they're lacking meaningful connections. For whatever reason, they may have withdrawn from those who are meaningful to them, lost in their own mind dramas, creating realities that don't need to be created. When we're connected with others we find a reason to keep living, and when we're disconnected, we can lose our reasons for living. (I'll probably write another blog post about this in the near future. An idea to explore.)

I've been privileged in my life to have meaningful connections along the way. Many of them come and many of them go, but they've always been around, and for that I've been grateful. Some of them have lasted only short times but left their mark on my life, while others have lasted many years.

About 99% of my childhood friends disappeared after I left school and moved on from the town I grew up in. Well, truthfully speaking, it was probably me that disappeared from their lives. They stayed in the same town, remaining connected with each other. I did my best to maintain those connections, but long distance friendships - without physical meetings to refresh the connection - will mostly fade away in time.

The 1% of my childhood friends remained connected to me until just a month ago. (Well, he was one of about 5 childhood friends, so maybe he was 20% of my childhood friends...) We were 'best friends forever' for about 35 years. And then it was over. I found that disappointing, but I understand that not all connections are meant to last forever.

I remember a very good friend from many years ago. We came together as friends, had an awesome time together, and then she moved on. I was her friend during a time that was painful to her, when she was in the process of separating from her husband, but she found it painful to maintain our friendship because it reminded her of a time that was painful to her. She ended that connection because of her negative associations with it.

I had another very good friend who was the only one of my very good friends to visit me from Australia when I was living in New Zealand. Twice. We got along famously and had many wonderful years of friendship. And then she got married and doesn't talk to me any more.

People come into our lives for reasons, seasons or lifetimes. For a short time or a long time, they play a part in our lives that provide some kind of meaning. I'm always going to appreciate those connections I develop, and appreciate what they bring to me, how they enrich my life, and what I learn from them.

When I was living and working in Sydney just a few months ago, I met someone at a restaurant I frequented each night. Extroverts are very good at talking to strangers, something I'm not very good at. But he talked to me and we very quickly developed a rapport, which blossomed into a wonderful friendship over just a few weeks, to the point that he was someone who I strongly valued in my life. I invited him to my wedding, and it was an honor for both of us for him to attend. (It's also an honor for both of us that he's coming to my birthday party tonight.)

Another very good friend was someone I met in New Zealand, a decade ago. He and I also developed a very strong connection and spent many years inseparable. We're still inseparable. When I moved back to Australia in 2007, he followed in 2008 and lived with me and he's still with me today. He's my flatmate, sharing with my wife and me. He's going to be uncle and babysitter to our kids. He'll probably disagree with this, but I'm sure he'll settle into it when it happens. grin

My wife is my most meaningful connection right now. I've never had a wife before, so it's quite a new experience! People have asked me, "So how's married life?" I've always responded with, "No different to how life was before I was married." But it's different.

Before I was married there was an uncertainty in the back of my mind, which is an uncertainty in the mind of everyone who's in a non-married relationship. It's that uncertainty about the longevity of the relationship. It's always much easier to leave a girlfriend or boyfriend than it is to leave a husband or wife, and with a long history of failed relationships behind me, that was always there. Now that I'm married, it's no longer there.

I'm finally with someone that I've committed to, who has also committed to me, and there's a certainty in it that's become apparent - the certainty that no matter what, we'll work through whatever issues that arise so that we can continue being happy together, for the rest of our lives. That certainty was never there before.

Yes, I know - shit can happen and divorce can result. But I believe I've chosen to be with someone that will struggle as much as I will, to make sure that our connection remains happy, rewarding and fulfilling, as best we can.

And apparently, that's what being married is all about, and that change in attitude and belief is what I've noticed as a change in me. It's quite refreshing.

Marriage and relationships

It's been over two weeks now since I got married and, strangely enough, I don't feel that different. All that's changed is that I have a wife now instead of a fiancee.

Well... Maybe I feel a bit more relaxed about our relationship.

Since I've had relationships come and go throughout my life, I've always had this feeling that the relationships were 'temporary'. This one - finally - feels like it's permanent.

And honestly, it's a great feeling.

So I guess I do feel different.  :)

Weddings seem to be eye-openers about the quality of relationships.

Both Fanfan and I experienced some disappointing reactions from a few people who we considered amongst our closest friends, but we discovered that the quality of our relationship was apparently greater for us, than it was for them.

I invited one of my best friends to be my best man, but he decided he couldn't make it because he was unemployed for a few weeks, a few months before my wedding. His excuses hurt, because 1) I offered to pay for pretty much everything to get him there, but he declined everything for one reason or another, and 2) I've been to two of his three weddings in the past, and his third wedding last year was while I was unemployed too.

I had this expectation that 35 years of close friendship meant that no matter what, you would be at your best mate's wedding. I found that he thought differently.

As a result, I found myself compelled to shut down that friendship. I sent him an email a few days after the wedding and expressed how disappointed I was.

I was also thankful though, because he inadvertently told me how little value he had for me, and I realised our relationship was completely unbalanced. I told him goodbye, and wished him well.

That was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard back from him. Very disappointing.

Getting married has been, for me, about committing to a new life, with a new person as my life partner, and letting go of the old life. I actually feel really good about it.

I'm getting married in 3 days

On New Year's Eve 2012 I asked Fanfan to marry me, and in just 3 days, on the afternoon of October 28, we'll be getting married. This past 10 months has been quite a ride!

To be honest, I'll be happy when it's over. The amount of stress that has been in our lives has been pretty amazing. But it's not all my stress, it's mostly Fanfan's stress. Although, her stress usually leads to my own stress as a result....

For me, the ideal wedding would have been just the two of us getting married and then going out for dinner afterwards. But I know for 99.999999% of women it's completely different. It's the one day of their lives that must reflect the dream they've held on to for as long as they can remember. The planning of the wedding is an attempt to make the dream become real. But when the reality doesn't meet the dream, stress is the result.

I know I've also been a contributor to her stress, with circumstances that have made it difficult for her to completely have her dream, what with having to deal with bankruptcy, discovering I've got Aspergers, and being out of work - not once, but twice.

The fact she still wants to marry me after these incredibly stressful 10 months is a testament to how much she loves me, and I'm always going to treasure that.

You've got no idea what it's like to have to plan a wedding costing thousands of dollars, while becoming bankrupt, and also losing your job twice and not having any money coming in and having to juggle savings and expenses - not just to pay for life, but for a wedding as well. (Of course, if you do know what it's like, then please contact me - I'd love to hear from you! We can share war stories...)

And on top of all of that, I've continued being the 'rock' that she needs in her life, to help her get through her own stresses throughout these ordeals.

We've been there for each other. It hasn't always been so easy for me, having my own share of stress, anxiety and depression. When I've needed her, she's been there for me. When she's needed me, I've been there for her.

And that's what marriage is all about, right? Two people coming together, to share their lives, to love, cherish and support each other, through thick and thin.

This year has been an important one, preparing us for dealing with the stresses that we're sure to encounter as we move through life together.

But that's also why I'll be happy when the wedding is over. Because then we can actually relax again, stop stressing about one of the most important moments of our lives, and just get on with living and enjoying the other experiences that life has to offer.

How will my future look once I'm married?

I expect it will look a lot like it's looked over the past year and a half.

Our first 6 months together was a little rocky, to put it mildly. We were getting used to each other, understanding our feelings for each other, and about the commitment we were making for each other.

In our hearts, we actually got married early 2012, after we separated for a month and then came back together again. That was when I sorted my shit out and made a commitment to her in my heart and mind. And ever since then, it's just been getting stronger.

How she's handled the stress of this past 10 months has given me an understanding of how she's going to handle the stresses of our future together, and it's assured me that I'm making the right decision. Her love and commitment for me, regardless of the circumstances of our life, have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's absolutely the one for me to marry in this world. Where other women would have run away, taking the easy path, she's stayed true to her feelings of love, and to her own personal commitment to me.

And in 3 days time, we're going to be making that commitment official, in front of our closest families and friends.

I'm surprised I'm not nervous. I'm happy and excited about it. I'm looking forward to it. That also tells me how right this is for me.

It's going to be awesome. :)

Happy wife, happy life

I was just reading something that was talking about a study having found that men find women who smile to be more attractive than women who don't smile.

Well, duh.

Interestingly, the study also found that women found men more attractive if they looked ashamed, and that many relationships seem to revolve around 'man makes woman look happy, but then woman shames man so that she feels happy'.

It's truly fascinating how and why people do things.

But I digress. That's not the purpose of this particular post. In this post, I wanted to talk about the concept that men love women who smile, who seem happy, and so when they're in a committed and fulfilling relationship with a woman, the term 'happy wife, happy life' is one that is very important.

I know that I enjoy making my fiancee laugh. When she smiles it lights up the room. And my heart. When she's happy, I'm happy. So it's my job to do what I can to make or keep her happy.

A happy wife gives me a happy life.

She's not my wife yet, but late next month she will be.  :)   But I've known that if I do my best to make her happy, then the result is my own happiness.

What she does for me is nothing short of amazing. If my job is to make her happy, then it's her job - that she takes very seriously - to make me happy too.

Can you imagine the kind of relationship where everyone involved is doing their best to make each other happy? Sounds like paradise to me, and for me, my relationship is my slice of paradise.

But how many men and women do their best to make their partner happy? How many people fail to realise that their own happiness is dependent upon their partner's happiness, and their contribution to that?

Not many, it seems.

So as I move towards my marriage next month - and beyond - I'll be making sure I look after my own happiness by looking after the happiness of the love of my life.

Selfishness leads to mutual happiness.

Behind every great man is a great woman

I was reading about one man's exploration into picking up women (Beyond pickup - have your cake and eat it too?) and I was thinking about it in relation to my own experiences and observations over the years.

What I've come up with from my reflections is that if you want to pick up the kinds of women that exist in your fantasies, then you have to become the kind of man that those fantasy women would be attracted to.

Is that really you? Do you want to become a fantasy yourself, or a caricature of yourself, just so you can attract those kinds of women?

Many men do. They think the only way they're going to enjoy having sex with lots of women is to be the kind of man that lots of women will want to have sex with. And they're right.

But at the end of the day, if they're not being themselves, then the entire experience is going to be unfulfilling for them. Sure, they'll have some fun for a while, but in the backs of their minds they'll know that it's all an illusion, all just a fantasy that they're living out.

And the problem with fantasies is that you eventually have to come back to the real world.

In this case, the real world is an unauthentic life. You're living a lie. You're pretending to be someone that you're not, and manipulating women with lies, so that you can get what you want from them. Choosing to live a lie means that you're always having to find new women to move on to, so that the illusion is never threatened by those who start to get close to you, who start to see the flaws in your illusion.

This is part of the reason that 'players' and 'pick up artists' (PUAs) are always finding new women. They don't want a girlfriend, for example, because then the illusion is shattered when the lies become known. Then they have to be responsible for their actions. Much better to stay on the move, never slow down, and never let women know who you really are.

I used to be one of those men that had problems even getting past a first date, let alone having a relationship. Those were terrible times. Eventually I got sick of the bullshit I was experiencing, and I decided to learn 'how to pick up girls'. I browsed the forums, read the articles, bought the books, and spent a great deal of time analysing how I can improve myself to be more attractive to women.

I had some success with it, enjoying meeting new women and the experiences I had with them, but it was from my experiences (rather than the forums and books) that I learned some very valuable lessons about male-female interactions. I learned that if you weren't a 'manly man' (I wasn't) you could still achieve success with hot women if you did a number of things:

• don't try to impress them (stop caring what they might think of you)


• don't get caught up in their dramas (when they drag you into their drama, you lose control)


• make them laugh (if you're an ugly fucker but you make a woman laugh, she's yours)

One of my most significant discoveries was that if you made an attractive woman think you weren't interested in them, and you put them into the 'friend zone' before they did, that just made them need to prove to you that they were worth your attention. They're very insecure, these woman, and they need validation. If you take it away from them, then they have to do whatever they can to get you to give it to them.

I ventured into the fantasy land, enjoying the experiences it had to offer, but after a couple years of this I decided it wasn't my thing. I didn't enjoy the lies. I didn't enjoy having to be aloof in order to maintain the mystery. I didn't enjoy having to hide the different women from each other, and the complications that brought into my life. It wasn't me.

So I gave it up and started working out how to live with authenticity instead of with lies. I think it's worked out pretty well so far.

When you give up on the fantasy and spend some time working out who you really are, understanding what's important to you and why, then a few things happen. You start to accept who you are, and you realise you don't need to run from yourself any more. You don't need to pretend to be someone else, just so you can feel good about yourself - even though the person you feel good about is an illusion.

When you understand who you are and what you want, then you can start moving forward with an understanding of the kind of woman that you really want to be with, who will complement you, rather than simply be your partner to a fantasy.

Knowing yourself is the key to finding your own perfect woman, the one who will be the authentic partner to your authentic self. She'll accept your weaknesses and complement them with her strengths, and her own weaknesses will be complemented by your own strengths.

There won't be any lies, because you'll get everything you want with each other. You'll struggle at first, but she'll make you feel comfortable to share the things in your past that you've been ashamed of, and they'll be accepted by her as simply who you are, and she'll love you despite them.

It's possible, because I have it. I've been through the fantasies and lies and now I'm with someone who accepts the real me. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I don't have to tell lies to fool her or others. I've shared my secrets and shames and it's only brought us closer.

It's so refreshing.

Men that are constantly on the move, constantly chasing the next woman, are men who are missing something from their lives, but they're not really sure what it is. They probably don't even see it. It doesn't matter what excuses or even reasons they come up with to justify their actions. At the end of the day, they're searching for something they don't have.

And I believe what they're searching for is a good woman to be their partner in life.

"Behind every great man is a great woman."

For a man to be great, he needs a great partner providing him with support. For a man to know what is right, he needs someone he can trust to be his sounding board, to tell him when he's being an idiot, and to support him through the times when he needs it. To encourage him to always be his best, not just for her, but for himself, for the things he needs to do in his life.

That's what men are searching for.

Some go all beta and try to please all the women they meet. Some go all alpha and just try to fuck all the women they meet. The reason they do these things lies somewhere in between the two states of being.

Can beta males become alpha males? 

Absolutely. But it's because being beta is not giving them what they want or need, and they realise it and are hurt by it. Becoming alpha is a way of covering up the hurt, and of subconsciously striking back at the women that hurt them.

Betas that become alpha are angry. They're running from the state of being that didn't work for them. They go from one side side of the pendulum swing (beta) to the other side (alpha), and they might spend many years there before realising that they need to come back towards the middle to find a balance.

Another of the things I learned is that to women there are four kinds of men.

1. men that women want to fuck


2. men that women want to marry


3. men that women want to be friends with


4. men that women don't want to know

And it's extremely difficult for a man in any of those categories to be in any of the other categories.

• You might be an alpha male that she wants to fuck, but she won't want to marry you 'cause you just want to fuck every woman you see. Which is perfectly fine by you. :)


• You might be a beta male that she wants to marry because you have lots of money and you'll be a good father to her kids - she'll only fuck you to get her kids, but then she'll be fucking the alphas behind your back.


• You might be a beta male that she'll only be friends with for your emotional support - she won't want to fuck you and she certainly won't want you to be the father of her kids, either because you don't have enough money or you're just not alpha enough for her to want to fuck.


• And then you might be the omega male that she doesn't want to fuck, marry or have anything to do with. "Get away from me, you creep!"

If you're a beta male that's not getting what you want, you have to become more alpha. If you're an alpha male that's getting tired of chasing women, you might have to start becoming a bit more beta if you want to settle down with one. If you're an omega male that's wondering what you're doing wrong - get a job, buy some decent clothes, stop looking at porn, and do some fucking exercise.

When you're tired of it all, here's the secret to getting what you want. It's pretty simple. Be both alpha and beta. 

Be the guy that a great woman will want to fuck, but you'll also have to be there for her to make sure she's getting what she needs as well. That requires being emotionally available to her, to make her feel secure, to make the relationship a long one rather than a short one. Have a decent job that can propel you towards what you desire in life, and which will help maintain her own feelings of security that you can provide for her needs.

But make sure that's not why she's with you. It has to be about the support and the sex you're getting from a great woman, it can never be about the money that she thinks she's going to get from you. Dump her ass if that's the case.

If you've found your great woman, never let yourself become complacent, because as soon as you become too beta, as soon as she starts to think you're not satisfying her needs any more, you'll lose her.

If you're not a great man any more, then you'll lose your great woman. She'll go off to find another great man to support instead.

If you get fat, lose interest in the things that you were passionate about, and start to ignore your needs as well as hers, you become the beta male that she won't want to fuck. If you become a bad father and ignore her needs as well as the family's needs, then you won't even be the man she'll want to be married to. You'll be kissing all that goodbye.

You have to be your own man all the time, doing what is important to you, while still being there for her and supporting her to do what's important to her as well.

That way you both get what you need, and as long as you're both winning, you'll be doing great. As soon as one of you starts to lose, everything starts going downhill.

Always look for the win-win in your relationships, and never give up your own needs to satisfy someone else. Be the alpha and the beta and strive for the balance in between.

Good luck.

The free market of sexuality

What is this 'free market of sexuality', I can hear you asking? Simply, it's the reality out there that most people don't want to acknowledge, especially if they believe that they're not highly desired in the market. But they're aware of it, they just pretend it's not there because they don't want to be hurt by it.

What's a free market? In the normal world it's where goods and services are coordinated by supply and demand, without external regulations or controls by governments or monopolies.

When the 'free market' is applied to sexuality, you can see that those with 'the best goods and services' are in high demand and available to only those who can afford it.

Social pressure encouraging exclusive relationships and marriages are 'regulations and controls' to restrict the free market of sexuality, and is maintained by those who have something to lose from the free market.

But there are a lot of affairs that occur, where one or the other partner in a relationship or marriage end up end up engaging in sex with someone else outside of the relationship.

This is because there's something missing from the relationship that they're able to get outside of the relationship.

The free market of sexuality can not be controlled.

I was inspired to write this post by something I read:

It’s funny how a lot of the same people who wish for a return to a more patriarchal “ownership of women” type society where marriage is for life etc., also claim libertarian leanings in their political views and profess their love of the free market. Does anybody see the conflict here? I see a few hands going up in the back row… good, good. If you think that free competition is the way to solve society’s problems and provide the highest standard of living and the best products and services to everybody, then why should that not apply to sexual products and services just like it’s supposed to apply to everything else? I mean, in economic terms, if I’m providing a better service to a girl than you are and she chooses to shop in my pants instead of yours, then your trying to claim that she’s “your” girl and enforce a monopoly through violence or legal restrictions is just wrong – it’s oppression, fascism, communism, anti-Americanism… you hate freedom! Reconcile that with your self-professed libertarianism.

If we value freedom, how can we reconcile that with the bondage implicit in exclusive relationships and marriage? How can we desire freedom when we suppress that in the very people we love?

"I love you. Now I take away your freedom and enslave you to my needs."

I'm getting married this year. But I'm not doing it because I'm buying into the idea that I'm suddenly owned by my partner, and I have to give up everything I've ever held dear. Nope, that's not me.

I'll be managing my marriage in a way that continues to ensure my freedom, because giving up freedom is something I can't do.

I understand the free market of sexuality completely. I've engaged in it many times over the years. I've been the man that quite a number of women have had affairs with behind their husband's backs.

These experiences helped me learn that no one owns anyone, and that your position in a relationship is determined not by sitting back and relaxing, but doing your best to make sure that you maintain your value to your partner.

For example, you stop looking after yourself and let yourself get fat, then your value decreases dramatically to your partner. Your expectations about them being 'bonded' to you by marriage or exclusivity have no bearing on reality.

The reality is that if you're not doing your best to 'maintain demand', then your 'services' will lose their value and your 'client' will look for someone else that will better suit their needs.

This is the nature of things, but it's the nature that many don't want to consider. Especially those that know they have little or no value. They don't want to consider that their partner will be looking for someone else to provide what they're no longer getting at home. Demand has dropped, and the supply dries up.

If you want to maintain your relationship or your marriage, you need to understand these things about human behaviour. You need to understand that if you're not doing your best to look after the supply of your goods and services to your partner, then they're going to start looking for someone else to supply them.

Even attempts to 'own' your partner fail, because the pain of bondage is often far more painful than the pain of breaking those ties and seeking freedom.

You need to allow your partner to be free in the relationship, and you need to make sure that you are the best that you can be, and that you're providing a rewarding and fulfilling experience at home, in the relationship.

This is true for both men and women.

If you're not doing everything you can to be the best you can be, why would your partner stay with you? Why would they not look for someone else that can meet their needs better?

They do. The number of affairs proves that.

If you do what you can to maintain the supply for your partner's demands, and you are BOTH doing this for each other, then THAT is when your relationship will be rewarding and fulfilling for both of you, and there will simply be no need for either of you to look elsewhere.

If your needs are being met at home, there's simply no reason for you to look elsewhere.

Most people forget this. They want to create feelings of obligation in others so that they don't have to do anything themselves. They're selfish and needy, and they know it. But they try to use 'controls and regulations' to restrict their partner's freedoms to ensure they continue to receive benefit from it.

You can probably tell I completely reject this, and always will.

Me getting married will never play into this way of things. I understand that if I'm not being the best I can be, then my partner deserves to move on and find someone else. If I'm not fulfilling her needs, then she's with the wrong man.

And she knows the same is true for her. I've made it clear that if she's not fulfilling my needs, I'll be looking elsewhere.

We both have to be on the ball. We both have responsibilities to ourselves and to each other, and we should never forget that. When we get lazy and irresponsible, we're not deserving of someone else's 'bondage' to us, and that's when things need to change or end.

What about you? If you're in a committed relationship or marriage, are you doing everything you can to be the best you can be? Are you creating enough demand for what your partner needs, so that he or she doesn't need to look elsewhere for them?

That's the secret to a successful relationship. Anything else is bullshit.

Passive aggression and masculinity

Over the recent years I've discovered that I've become something of an 'expert' on passive aggression. After having experienced it for most of my life, realised it, understood it, and overcome it, I have a unique perspective on what it is, how it affects your life, and how you can change it.

Everyone has passive aggressive traits in them, some more than others. However, when those traits become your predominant behaviour pattern, it becomes a 'personality disorder'. Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) is something I've had most of my life, and I certainly know the effects of it, but in the past few years I've been able to eliminate most of it.

Healing passive aggression

All the books I've read about it say that healing PAPD is rare, if not impossible, because denying that you are responsible for breakups in relationships and social connections is one of the prominent traits. If you believe you're not responsible for the situations going on around you and in your life, then you also believe there's nothing you need to do for yourself. You're not the one with the problem, so there's nothing you need to heal. And so the behaviour and screwed up life continues.

When I realised I had PAPD and I read about how sufferers rarely heal because they don't believe they're responsible, I immediately saw all the times in my life when I blamed everyone else but myself for all the things that went wrong. And I knew that if I wanted to heal from this disorder, then I needed to start taking responsibility.

With many decades of programmed behaviour resulting in my attitudes and behaviors at that time, I knew that changing it would not happen overnight. But I also knew that if I did want to change it, I had to do something radical.

So I decided to accept responsibility for everything that went wrong, even if I 'knew' that I wasn't responsible. If the problem revolved around an inability to take responsibility, then surely finding a solution to this problem revolved around taking responsibility for everything.

It was my logical mind thinking, but it also worked.

Over a few years, taking responsibility and apologising for every emotional breakdown in my relationships helped me to manage those relationships more successfully, as well as understand exactly what I was doing to cause those breakdowns.

Overcoming passive aggression

Once I knew what I was doing that contributed to emotional breakdowns in my relationships, I could begin changing my behaviour so that the consequences were different.

Instead of engaging in behaviour designed to sabotage or upset my partners because I was inwardly angry but unable to express it, I engaged in behaviour that would take responsibility for my actions and my future, without needing to sabotage or upset my partners with passive aggression. I prevented passive aggressive behaviour occurring by choosing actions that made me responsible, instead of actions that tried to make someone else responsible.

It turned out to be quite amazing how things changed for me. Not only was I able to change the quality of my relationships by engaging in more responsible and loving behaviour, but I was also able to change the quality of my career because of how much extra responsibility I was willing to accept.

As a result, I've been able to improve my life quite considerably, by accepting responsibility for my behaviour and for the effects I have on other people. I've been able to heal my disorder so that it's no longer a disorder.

Sure, I still have my episodes of passive aggression, just like everyone does, but when I realise it's inappropriate, I apologise for it and work on changing it.

Developing better relationships

I also quickly learned at the beginning of my healing process that I was choosing the wrong women to partner with. I was choosing women that were the very opposite of the kind of woman I actually matched with. The results of being with these women caused anger and resentment in me because I was trying to make something work with someone that I should never have been with in the first place, and ended up sabotaging it instead.

Don't get me wrong. I really did need to be with them in a holistic way of thinking. It's because of them that I was able to understand my personal issues and grow from them, so I'm thankful and grateful for what they brought into my life and my personal growth.

Healing my behavioural issues also helped me understand what kind of woman I really needed to be with, that I would match with, and that was an important understanding for my own peace of mind and happiness.

It's only from seeing and understanding what brings us pain that we can understand and explore what will bring us pleasure.

Some people don't need to make it so difficult to understand, and they just choose the pleasure. But nooo, I had to be different. I had to go through decades of pain in order to understand I really wanted and needed someone that would bring me lots of pleasure.

Maybe I'm a masochist or something, I don't know. But I do know I'm very much happier now than I ever used to be.

Passive aggression and powerlessness

Passive aggression is a result of feeling powerless with the circumstances of your life, but not feeling able to safely express your feelings about it. Those with PAPD have grown up as a child, often punished for the expression of their feelings, and they've been powerless to prevent it.

That feeling of powerlessness continues on into adulthood, but it becomes a familiar pattern, a familiar way of life. So when they go out and date others, they're subconsciously attracted to potential partners that they feel would allow them to continue the same old familiar patterns. And so passive aggressive behaviour is often a continual part of their relationships with partners that they feel powerless to express themselves with.

For men, it's usually their mother who punished them as a child for expressing 'undesired' emotions like anger. If something made them angry and they expressed it, they were punished for it, so they learnt that anger was best expressed in subtle, passive ways.

It's because they had no power to take control, and this powerlessness becomes a pervasive belief that creates a life where they continue to have no control.

As these men grow up, the familiar pattern that gives them comfort is to be with women that are similar to their mother, who will emotionally punish them for the same behaviour that their mother did. They will continue to feel powerless in their relationships, and continue to engage in passive aggressive behaviour as a result.

Many women who are with passive aggressive men often find themselves to be similar to the man's mother. It's not a coincidence.

This is also applicable with careers. Any passive aggressive man will resent authority, being told what to do, being expected to be a particular way, and if they don't conform, they're punished for it. So he goes through his working life angry and resentful, sabotaging his own work as well as the expectations of his employers, but in ways that he can deny responsibility.

He's a liability to himself and to anyone that he works for.

Passive aggression and masculinity

For myself, growing up with PAPD, I had my own personal issues with understanding masculinity. I doubted my own masculinity because I felt powerless to take control.

The energy of the masculine is 'active', while the energy of the feminine is 'passive'.

If you're being active in any way - whether you're a man or a woman, it doesn't matter - then you're engaging in a masculine trait. Building, creating, changing, destroying or competing - these are all masculine traits.

If you're being passive in any way, then you're engaging in a feminine trait. Maintaining things, tending or nurturing, being caring and compassionate, avoiding change, even being resentful of masculine expectations - these are all feminine traits.

Being passive aggressive is being feminine.

The masculine thing to do is to take control, to know what you want and to go for it, and to accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

So passive aggressive men are being very feminine by avoiding and even resenting masculine responsibilities and expectations. It's a confusing state for them to be in! I should know, I lived it.

One of the things that has become clear to me recently is that overcoming passive aggression is a pathway towards becoming masculine. But when you've had so many years of avoiding masculinity, it can create some confusion about what masculinity actually is.
Understanding and teaching what it means to be a man

The journey to overcoming passive aggression for men is also the journey to understand and become more masculine. In this world where passive aggressive men resent the controls and expectations placed upon them by demanding women and authority figures, finding comfort in their masculine skin feels like an incredibly difficult thing to do.

It's also my own journey, and one which I feel I'm achieving in my own way.

Because of my own healing of severe passive aggression, and my own journey towards understanding what it means to be a man, I feel a strong calling to help other passive aggressive men through the same journey.

It's not enough to heal passive aggression. It also has to be approached with understanding what it means to be a man, because 'real men' aren't 'whiny bitches' engaging in passive aggressive behaviour.

I'll be exploring and writing about this a lot more as I move through this journey, learning for myself and teaching others what I've learned.

If you feel you can relate to anything in this post, please leave a comment below and share it with me.

Respect

My fiancee, Fanfan, is Chinese. She's awesome. It's why we're engaged to be married. A big part of our relationship is mutual respect, and it's'respect' that I wanted to write about today.

In the past I've had relationships with both Caucasian (western) women and Asian women, and after a number of different experiences I came to understand it was Asian women that had the kinds of attitudes I wanted in a relationship.

Over the years I had come to feel that western women just didn't have the attitude I was looking for in a relationship or in a partner. I had a number of experiences and realisations in my life that helped me realise I was more interested in being with an Asian woman than a western woman. The main reason for this was that throughout the relationships I'd had and the things that I'd learnt, what stuck out was that Asian women respect what their men do for them, something that in my experience most western women do not.

From my experiences with Asian women and learning about their culture, I discovered that many westerners misunderstand what they see as Asian submissiveness, which is instead respect and appreciation for someone who cares for them.

Something which is lacking in many western women.

My comments and opinions, of course, are generalised. I just want to make it clear that I'm aware of that.

There are many women of any race who do respect and appreciate what their men do for them, as there are women of any race who truly are submissive in all ways. And then there's many women of any race who simply don't respect what their men do for them.

My experiences, however, showed me that there were more Asian women with the qualities I was looking for than there were western women with those qualities. And yes, it's quite likely I just hadn't met the right women – but all we can do is make decisions about our life, our needs and wants, based on the experiences we have and what we learn from it. Your experiences, and others, are obviously very different. Each to their own, and this post is about my experiences and what I learnt from it.

And it just so happens that the right woman for me happens to be Chinese. But anyway, let me continue…

In my early experiences with Asian women, I thought they were submissive. But I quickly discovered this was only in public, and only in a way that was respectful to me. In private, they're very open about their wants and needs, and are quite happy to tell you when they think you're failing them or screwing up.

This wasn't a submissive attitude, and it initially confused me. My first relationship with an Asian woman eventually failed primarily because of my misunderstanding of her cultural expectations towards the relationship.

My problem was that I had looked at it from a western point of view, which had been tainted by my understanding and experiences of western women's attitudes towards men and relationships. I expected her to want equality, as most western women do. Problems arose, however, when I tried to make her an equal in our relationship, which was something she rejected. This confused me, and made me feel she was actually preferring to be submissive by wanting to put me first.

Most western women are different, in that they certainly aren't submissive. They often demand equality in a relationship, but at the same time, they often also demand a gentleman. For me, this had also caused certain problems.

How can you be a gentleman with a woman, when she demands to be your equal? Being a gentleman means treating the woman as a woman, rather than as an equal. Here's an example of a typical quandary related to this situation:

"Ok, if you're my equal, then you can open the doors for yourself, or you can open them for me occasionally. Oh, sorry - that offends you? Then how can you demand equality when you don't want to give to me what I give to you? That's not equality. How can you demand equality in the workplace, for example, when you'll use your sexuality to get what you want when men have to merely use their merits? Women can dress provocatively but if men do then that's sexual harassment. That's not equality. How can you demand equality as a woman when men and women ARE NOT EQUAL. Men can't have babies. Women can't perform great physical feats, no matter how much they try. In sports, there are two categories – men's and women's. The expectations of the performances of each gender are different. There is no equality."

What I'd learnt from my experiences is that Asian women don't demand equality. They like to be treated as a woman, and they understand that men are men and women are women. They are attractive to men because they accept their femininity, and they don't try and compete with men. They appreciate their men for being gentlemen (men) and treating them like women.

Yes, there are many western women that do that too, but western society in general promotes aggressive equality and competition, and some men just aren't interested in that. Especially me. I don't want to compete with the woman I choose to be with. I might want to compete with my workmates, or with other men in sports, etc., but I don't want to have to compete with the woman I love.

Asian women respect, honour and appreciate the man they love, but in return for those qualities they expect the man to also respect, honour and appreciate them back.

No woman, western or Asian, will want to be with a man who doesn't (unless they've got serious problems of low self esteem). To many men who prefer Asian women, they are more attractive than western women because of what they offer in a relationship - acceptance, without competition or demands.

Not to mention they look after themselves much better than western women. Seeing a fat Asian woman is unusual.

Fanfan (my fiance), as an Asian woman, is representative of many of them. She's feminine, and understands that men are men and women are women. She's appreciative of the qualities I have, what I do for her and how I make her feel. She gives me respect in return for the respect I give her. She gives me the freedom to be myself, instead of wanting or demanding me to be what she thinks I should be.

How many men in relationships are free to be themselves? How many, instead, feel bound to be and do what their partner wants of them?

We hear about it all the time, where men are initially happy with the woman they're with, but then their happiness fades over time. The woman has this ideal in her mind that the man never meets, and so she tries to help him become her ideal man by changing small things about him, or demanding that he change his ways, attitudes, hobbies, etc. The man is usually obliged to change to suit the woman, but woe betide any man who wants the woman to change to suit him.

Personally, I think men are to blame for this situation in the first place. Men gave up their individuality and personal freedom to fit into what they believed their women wanted. They think that in order to be in a successful, happy relationship, they have to ensure that they don't upset or disappoint the woman they're with. As a result of this, many men live their lives walking around on egg shells, wondering what their partner actually wants from them, and hoping that they meet her expectations.

Men give up who they are because they're afraid of being alone, and so they submit to the demands of the woman. It's amazing how much a man will give up of himself in order to try and make his partner happy. (Yes, I know the opposite is true too, where the woman gives of herself and the man doesn't respect her and takes everything she gives. Whether you're male or female, I'm sure what I'm saying is somehow familiar to you.)

Unfortunately, women went along with this, believing that this was what feminism was all about. Finally men were giving women all the power, all the respect, and all the control. Having their men try so hard to fit their expectations, giving them all that they could, made women feel great! Why would they want this to stop?

However, it's getting tired. It's a social experiment that's not working.

More and more people are finding themselves unhappy in their relationships, because men are giving up who they are, and women are demanding more than what they need or deserve. Everyone is unhappy, and few people know the resolution.

Men and women are not born or live as equals, no matter how much they try. Men are born to be the hunter, the provider, while women are born to be the mother, the carer. This is nature's role for the male and female of the species, regardless of species, and by confusing those roles the relationships between men and women are confused as well.

The only people wanting those roles confused are the women who feel threatened by masculine traits, the feminists and the feminist sympathisers, and they try to emasculate their male children to be more feminine. It makes me sad.

Asian cultures still have men and women knowing their roles in a relationship. Unfortunately, while Asian women are expected to respect the man, and they hope for the man's respect in turn, they don't often get it.

Asian culture is very male-oriented, where respect from the women is expected. At least in public. This is part of the culture of 'face'.

You've heard of the term 'saving face', I'm sure. It's a very big part of Asian culture, particularly in Japan and China. (I'm uncertain about other Asian cultures, so I would be happy to have more information provided to me in the comments section.)

When a woman is openly respectful of her partner in public, he gains face in the eyes of his peers. This can have favourable consequences to his career and social prospects. If she's disrespectful, or neutral, this can have the opposite effect.

Western society has it as well, the concept of face. We call it respect, politeness, etc. No one wants to be disrespected in public, and yet, how many women do this to their men? How many women embarrass their man in public, out of some misguided sense of saving their own face, or of gaining power and strength from their humiliation of the man? Many. We see tantrums occurring in public places like restaurants, and especially in presentations by the media of how they seem to believe men should be treated by women.

The media, of course, has a very strong hand in guiding not only public perception, but also public trends, with people thinking that if they see it on TV or in the movies then that must be how it should be. A 'smart' man has learnt to be a good, pussy-whipped individual, meekly agreeing to whatever his partner says, avoiding confrontation, accepting insults and humiliation, etc etc. And in the process, losing the essence of the masculine man they were born to be.

Respect goes both ways, as far as I'm concerned. I am not going to respect any woman who doesn't respect me.

As a man, when you keep your strength and your individuality over and above anyone else in your life, you will find that your relationships will be happier. You'll find more quality women to be with and to choose from.

Regardless of what you might think, your happiness has to be more important than the happiness of the woman you're with (and if you're a woman reading this, YOUR happiness has to be more important than the man you're with!). This is because of a very simple little rule.

If you look after yourself and your happiness, then any woman who is with you – on your terms of mutual respect – will find herself happy to be with you, and the result will be mutual happiness.

Whether you're with an Asian or a western – or any culture – woman, mutual happiness is what's really important. And it starts with you, making the choices in your life that lead to your own happiness.

What I learnt from the Asian women in my life was to respect myself, because they certainly respected me. I learnt I was worth it. I learnt that without respect – respect for yourself and respect from the woman you're with – then you have nothing.

Make the decision to respect yourself and to insist on respect from others. Without it, you're missing out on quality relationships, with quality people.