I've been REALLY busy yesterday and today, working on developing my online services page - My Online Services. It's been a lot of fun! I've really enjoyed the process of sitting down and getting serious about what I'm doing, and putting it all onto my website.
But I ran into a small problem today with PayPal...
I used a 'Donation' button to allow the payment of variable amounts via PayPal, since there didn't seem to be an option available for variable amount selections with any of their other payment and button options.
This worked fine for a single transaction this morning, but then shortly after I received an email stating that my account was being limited in its functionality while a legal investigation proceeded with my use of the Donation button.
It seems that in Australia, PayPal need to comply with Australian laws that make it illegal for any person or business to receive donations unless they're a non-profit organisation. Good on ya, Australia....
PayPal advised me I'll need to prove I was a non-profit organisation before they'd return full functionality to my account. Until this happened, I would not be able to send money to anyone, nor would I be able to withdraw money from my account, but my account could still receive money.
So I immediately deleted the Donations button from my account. I did some research and found that I could use a Buy Now button which required an amount to be set - but I could put in $0.00 which would mean the buyer would have to set the amount themselves.
This is what I should have done in the first place, but there was no documentation anywhere that discussed that. And the only way I found out about it was on a site that was talking about 'a secret tip' that would allow me to do that.
Why the hell does PayPal want it secret? Blows my mind.
Anyway, after deleting the Donations button and setting up the Buy Now button to do what I wanted, I then phoned PayPal to discuss the problem.
They accepted it was an error, noted that I'd removed the button from my account, and advised me to simply confirm my identity via the Resolution process. Their Legal Department would review my account, the notes on it that I'd advised, and would get back to me within the next 3 business days.
I do hope this gets resolved. I'd hate to have to use an alternative to PayPal because I've already got all payment options and bank accounts linked up through PayPal; it'd be really annoying having to go through it all again with some other provider.
However, if any of you reading this think there's a much better solution with an alternate provider to PayPal, I'm open minded enough to look into it if you think it's worthwhile. Please leave your recommendations in the comments below. Thanks!
UPDATE 10 Jan 2014
It took them only 15 hours instead of 3 days, but I was advised their review is complete and they've returned my account back to normal. Yay!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The joys of government bureaucracy
When I got married, we submitted all the correct paperwork to the marriage celebrant who was the medium between us and the government system that authorises marriages. We checked that all the paperwork was in order, and all the spelling and details were correct.
Maybe you can already imagine where this is going...
So after the marriage we got the marriage certificate in the mail. We noticed typos, where the spelling of our address was incorrect, and so was the spelling of Fanfan's maiden name.
So acting on the advice of our celebrant, we went to the Registrar of Births, Deaths & Marriages here in Canberra. We waited a little while and then our number was called out. The lady behind the counter heard our problem, took a look at our marriage certificate, and said we were in the wrong place. The certificate was for New South Wales (NSW), not ACT (Australian Capital Territory). This was because we got married across the border in NSW, so we'd have to take it across the border to the NSW government office.
We did that a few days later. We got there, waited a little while, and then spoke to someone about the errors in the certificate. They tried to find a form we'd need to fill in, but couldn't find it in their system. So they phoned their helpdesk and I spoke to a helpful man who got my email address and told me he'd send me the form by email.
Ok, great. So we went home to wait for the form. It came that afternoon and we filled it out to ensure corrections were made with the marriage certificate.
By this time, however, it was almost Christmas, so we didn't do anything about it until today.
We took the form back across the border to the NSW state government office and waited until we could see someone. They spent five minutes in silence, reading the certificate, the correction form, and whatever was on their computer screen. In silence.
I was getting annoyed by the counter girl's silence and slowness in whatever the hell she was doing. Lots of reading, no talking.
Eventually she printed something out and gave us the printout, the certificate and the correction form. She then spoke and told us that we'd need to provide proof of ID.
I said we've got proof of ID with us. She said we'd need to put copies of the proof of ID with the proof of ID form, scan them, and then send them by fax or email to their helpdesk.
There was nothing in the original email from the helpdesk that said anything about proving ID. It was just a simple correction form we needed to provide.
This woman was adamant, and didn't want to do anything more with us. We needed to send everything by email.
Awesome. What a waste of time all that was!
I just turned and walked out, Fanfan following me. As we were about to get into the car she asked why they were so consistently unhelpful; we just wanted to get some typos corrected.
You don't want to know the words I used to describe government bureaucracy to her. Your ears would burn.
Maybe you can already imagine where this is going...
So after the marriage we got the marriage certificate in the mail. We noticed typos, where the spelling of our address was incorrect, and so was the spelling of Fanfan's maiden name.
So acting on the advice of our celebrant, we went to the Registrar of Births, Deaths & Marriages here in Canberra. We waited a little while and then our number was called out. The lady behind the counter heard our problem, took a look at our marriage certificate, and said we were in the wrong place. The certificate was for New South Wales (NSW), not ACT (Australian Capital Territory). This was because we got married across the border in NSW, so we'd have to take it across the border to the NSW government office.
We did that a few days later. We got there, waited a little while, and then spoke to someone about the errors in the certificate. They tried to find a form we'd need to fill in, but couldn't find it in their system. So they phoned their helpdesk and I spoke to a helpful man who got my email address and told me he'd send me the form by email.
Ok, great. So we went home to wait for the form. It came that afternoon and we filled it out to ensure corrections were made with the marriage certificate.
By this time, however, it was almost Christmas, so we didn't do anything about it until today.
We took the form back across the border to the NSW state government office and waited until we could see someone. They spent five minutes in silence, reading the certificate, the correction form, and whatever was on their computer screen. In silence.
I was getting annoyed by the counter girl's silence and slowness in whatever the hell she was doing. Lots of reading, no talking.
Eventually she printed something out and gave us the printout, the certificate and the correction form. She then spoke and told us that we'd need to provide proof of ID.
I said we've got proof of ID with us. She said we'd need to put copies of the proof of ID with the proof of ID form, scan them, and then send them by fax or email to their helpdesk.
There was nothing in the original email from the helpdesk that said anything about proving ID. It was just a simple correction form we needed to provide.
This woman was adamant, and didn't want to do anything more with us. We needed to send everything by email.
Awesome. What a waste of time all that was!
I just turned and walked out, Fanfan following me. As we were about to get into the car she asked why they were so consistently unhelpful; we just wanted to get some typos corrected.
You don't want to know the words I used to describe government bureaucracy to her. Your ears would burn.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
5 Things that tell you it's time to move on from Facebook
It's amazing how many people are moving on from Facebook these days. I'm happy they are! It's becoming more and more a big waste of time and energy. I've given some reasons why I moved on from Facebook myself (6 Reasons why you should quit Facebook too), but I came up with some other reasons that I wanted to share with you as well.
1. When your friends' updates make you angry
As soon as you start getting angry about anything being said or shared on Facebook, it's time to get the hell out. Angry about Facebook updates? There's better things to get angry about. If you want to avoid being infected by other people's stupidity, move on!
2. You maintain connections with people who exist only on Facebook
Facebook is an easy way of finding groups and pages filled with people who share similar interests. But if all you're doing is maintaining 'online friendships', you've got less time to maintain 'real life friendships'. Instead of looking for new friends online that you'll never meet, look for new friends in real life. However, if you're more comfortable with having online friends rather than real life friends, then you've probably got some social avoidance issues you might want to think about. Move on!
3. The only original or creative thoughts you have comes from Facebook updates
We all have minds capable of original thought and beautiful creations. But you need to exercise it, like any muscle, otherwise it becomes useless. Your brain is becoming useless when your creativity comes only from Facebook updates. Get out, exercise your brain, and move on!
4. Your updates have a negative effect on your relationships and friendships
Some people enjoy drama in their life. Maybe you enjoy drama, and you inspire negative reactions in people. Maybe other people enjoy bringing drama into your own life from their Facebook updates. If, because of Facebook, you get lots of negative drama with the people you're close to in your life, it's time to move on!
5. You regularly 'hide' from or 'unfriend' groups of people
What's the point of actually having a Facebook account at all if you keep hiding from people or unfriending them? Move on!
What about you? Do you have any of your own things that tell you it's time to move on from Facebook? Please share below, I'd love to include them too (via your comments)!
Today I killed my cat
That's a title you don't see every day...
My cat, Angel, had been missing for a few days. I expected something bad had happened to warrant her disappearance, and sure enough, she returned with a smashed leg, broken clean through so that it dangled at 90 degrees if you lifted it.
It was horrible.
Fanfan and I took her to the vet, and when the doctor gave us the news I had a hard time controlling my quivering bottom lip, and my eyes watered up. But I forced the emotions back down before they overwhelmed me.
$4000 for internal pins and bolts and external metal framework, plus significant ongoing costs for 'maintenance' operations with a hopeful recovery in the future. Or $2000 for amputation. Or euthanasia. Those were the options the vet provided.
A cat's life is worth anything, when you have anything to give. We have nothing, and we're struggling to make ends meet in our daily life. Even the pet insurance we had for her required us to pay the total before they would reimburse us 80% of it. It would have been nice to have thousands of dollars available to spend on her...
It's been incredibly upsetting to make the only choice I was able to. Fanfan and I discussed it, and we came to an agreement, and then I gave the vet the authorisation to proceed with euthanasia.
"...the authorisation to proceed..." A nice way of saying I told the vet to kill my cat.
Fanfan was present when Angel was put to sleep. I held back my tears in the waiting room. I couldn't be with my cat when she died.
I think part of the reason is guilt that I had no money. Another part is that I wanted to keep myself separate from the emotional reality.
I'll deal with it later, when I don't want to hold it back any more.
Rest in peace, dear Angel.
My cat, Angel, had been missing for a few days. I expected something bad had happened to warrant her disappearance, and sure enough, she returned with a smashed leg, broken clean through so that it dangled at 90 degrees if you lifted it.
It was horrible.
Fanfan and I took her to the vet, and when the doctor gave us the news I had a hard time controlling my quivering bottom lip, and my eyes watered up. But I forced the emotions back down before they overwhelmed me.
$4000 for internal pins and bolts and external metal framework, plus significant ongoing costs for 'maintenance' operations with a hopeful recovery in the future. Or $2000 for amputation. Or euthanasia. Those were the options the vet provided.
A cat's life is worth anything, when you have anything to give. We have nothing, and we're struggling to make ends meet in our daily life. Even the pet insurance we had for her required us to pay the total before they would reimburse us 80% of it. It would have been nice to have thousands of dollars available to spend on her...
It's been incredibly upsetting to make the only choice I was able to. Fanfan and I discussed it, and we came to an agreement, and then I gave the vet the authorisation to proceed with euthanasia.
"...the authorisation to proceed..." A nice way of saying I told the vet to kill my cat.
Fanfan was present when Angel was put to sleep. I held back my tears in the waiting room. I couldn't be with my cat when she died.
I think part of the reason is guilt that I had no money. Another part is that I wanted to keep myself separate from the emotional reality.
I'll deal with it later, when I don't want to hold it back any more.
Rest in peace, dear Angel.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Less is more
I've been experimenting over the past couple months with writing 1000 words a day. I found that I didn't like that, feeling it was too long. So I dropped it to a minimum of 500 words a day. That felt a lot better.
Sometimes I write more than that, like my most recent post, Find the D/s balance in relationships, a nice 2,375 words.
But as I write, and as I read and learn more about writing, I'm feeling that the concept of 'less is more' is a much better one than 'try to write hundreds or thousands of words and hope to keep people interested...'
I've also found that sometimes I just want to write a few sentences, or a paragraph or two, but I discourage myself with the fact they're not the minimum 500 words, so I avoid writing them.
But what if they become some of my best and most discussed posts? What if the beauty and the quality is also in the simplicity?
I was just reading this post, 5 Quick-Start Tips To Help Improve Your Writing, and #2 talked about 'keep it short'. It led to this post, The 400 word promise, which led to The beauty of small.
This point is probably the most applicable for me:
I know that I'm not a lazy blogger, but I also know many of my readers are busy readers. The longer a post is, the less chance there is that they'll read all of it.
I also know that this is part of the reason for writing 500 or 1000 word posts every day - to improve my writing so that it's compelling and encourages the reader to keep reading.
But what if they just don't have the time? What if they just want the message without all the fluff?
These are questions I ask myself as I write every day. I want to become a better writer, but is a minimum of 500 words every day the only way?
I don't think so. In fact, I knew it wasn't 'the way' even when I started. It's just a methodology, a style, a pattern of behaviour designed to encourage and enforce better writing on a regular basis.
One of the things I don't ever want to do is force myself into a corner with just one way of doing things, and end up being blind to other ways. I don't want to lose interest in my writing because I restrict myself.
And I've realised today that I don't want to prevent the beauty that can come from simplicity by forcing myself to choose complex instead.
So I'm once again changing my rules. I can do that, 'cause I'm in the one in charge here.
This is about my journey, and my writing is a journey. It's going to change over time.
I've always liked the idea of choosing simplicity. I like the idea of improving my writing too, so this 'evolution' of how I want to do things is going to be as follows:
I'll write whatever the hell I want, however long I want it. And I'll write more than one post a day, if I feel like it.
And now this post is 563 words. That's funny.
Sometimes I write more than that, like my most recent post, Find the D/s balance in relationships, a nice 2,375 words.
But as I write, and as I read and learn more about writing, I'm feeling that the concept of 'less is more' is a much better one than 'try to write hundreds or thousands of words and hope to keep people interested...'
I've also found that sometimes I just want to write a few sentences, or a paragraph or two, but I discourage myself with the fact they're not the minimum 500 words, so I avoid writing them.
But what if they become some of my best and most discussed posts? What if the beauty and the quality is also in the simplicity?
I was just reading this post, 5 Quick-Start Tips To Help Improve Your Writing, and #2 talked about 'keep it short'. It led to this post, The 400 word promise, which led to The beauty of small.
This point is probably the most applicable for me:
Smaller posts don’t take as much time to write or read, which is good for a lazy blogger. And a busy reader.
I know that I'm not a lazy blogger, but I also know many of my readers are busy readers. The longer a post is, the less chance there is that they'll read all of it.
I also know that this is part of the reason for writing 500 or 1000 word posts every day - to improve my writing so that it's compelling and encourages the reader to keep reading.
But what if they just don't have the time? What if they just want the message without all the fluff?
These are questions I ask myself as I write every day. I want to become a better writer, but is a minimum of 500 words every day the only way?
I don't think so. In fact, I knew it wasn't 'the way' even when I started. It's just a methodology, a style, a pattern of behaviour designed to encourage and enforce better writing on a regular basis.
One of the things I don't ever want to do is force myself into a corner with just one way of doing things, and end up being blind to other ways. I don't want to lose interest in my writing because I restrict myself.
And I've realised today that I don't want to prevent the beauty that can come from simplicity by forcing myself to choose complex instead.
So I'm once again changing my rules. I can do that, 'cause I'm in the one in charge here.
This is about my journey, and my writing is a journey. It's going to change over time.
I've always liked the idea of choosing simplicity. I like the idea of improving my writing too, so this 'evolution' of how I want to do things is going to be as follows:
I'll write whatever the hell I want, however long I want it. And I'll write more than one post a day, if I feel like it.
And now this post is 563 words. That's funny.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Finding the D/s balance in relationships
It feels like such a long time ago now, but it was only a few years ago that I explored the nature of relationships and sexuality within the BDSM lifestyle. I enjoyed what I learned and experienced, especially what I learned about myself. Exploring BDSM helped me understand what kind of person I really was, and what kind of woman I wanted to be with.
It's not for everyone, that's for sure. BDSM stands for 'Bondage-Discipline/Dominance-Submission/Sadism-Masochism'. The opposite of BDSM is 'vanilla', which is the 'normal' sexual relationships that most people have. One of the things I discovered about myself was that even though I wasn't 'vanilla', I also wasn't as extreme with what I enjoyed as many within the BDSM lifestyle seemed to be. And it was those extremes which made me realise I didn't need or want to be part of it any more, and so I moved on from it.
I first wrote about this back in 2009, in a post called Dominance and submission. At the time I was in the early days of my exploration of it, and I was excited to discover that I was a 'dominant' person, in regards to my relationship and sexual preferences. In light of the realisations I was having, many of my past relationship and sexual experiences began to fall into place in such a way that I understood a lot of my attitudes were completely wrong. No wonder I sucked at gaining and keeping the attention of women! But at the time, I never knew. I was young, innocent, and naive about the reality of men and women and sexual relationships.
The recent success of the book 50 Shades of Grey has shown the world that many, many women love the idea of being completely and utterly dominated by a man, sexually and emotionally. And even though they might say they don't want to be tied up or engage in other forms of bondage, they're all fantasizing about it. They just don't want to admit it because they think society will judge them harshly for it. But alone, in their minds, that's exactly what they want.
Men are, as a result of the mixed messages out there, confused about what they should be doing in today's world. On one hand there's the success of 50 Shades of Grey saying women want to be dominated by men, supported by the hundreds of thousands of women who made it so popular, and yet on the other hand there's thousands of screaming feminists who say they don't - who, ironically, are also buying the book themselves.
And to be honest, men's confusion about what's expected of them results in creating more problems for themselves that could be resolved if they just took charge of their lives and their relationships. As Kelly Marceau says:
She's certainly right about that. But what she doesn't seem to understand is that women like her have created these men in the first place.
If you read her post, she's basically having a huge rant about how men should stop being wimps and 'man up' so that they would appreciate a strong, independent woman like her.
But you see, most men don't want to be with strong, independent women, because such women simply drive men away. They think to themselves, 'you can take your strong, independent, bitch attitude and find someone else to nag with your demands and power talks.'
A dominant man is a man who knows himself, and who lives the life that he wants to live. He doesn't care what others think, because he doesn't need their approval or acceptance. He will do what he believes is best for him and those he cares about, and he'll ignore anyone that tells him to do or become what they want if it doesn't align with his own values. He'll still be respectful of others, and especially of those he loves, but he won't put up with abuse or disrespect, from anyone.
It's this kind of man that most women are looking for.
The dominant man doesn't want to be with a dominant woman. He doesn't want to have to spend his time fighting for dominance, for control, or to argue with the foolish or the stupid.
A dominant man needs a submissive woman, just like a dominant woman needs a submissive man. It's this yin and yang towards harmonious balance that works best in any relationship, and anyone that tells you differently is confused, mistaken, and completely unaware of how things really work. They're also probably single or if they're in a relationship, then it's probably with someone they're arguing with all the time.
Feminine women are submissive women, but there's a huge misunderstanding these days of what it means for a woman to be feminine or submissive. Being submissive does not mean she's a slave (although some women are), nor does it mean she accepts being abused (although many women do). There's a difference between being submissive and being weak.
When you have a woman being feminine and submissive instead of weak and insecure, you have a woman who is powerful. Her power is such that it makes men fall more deeply in love with her. It makes men want to do more for her. It makes men mad with desire for her, because her own power makes men feel powerful. The power she has is to let him have power over her. It's her choice, it's what she wants.
And that is also what men want. When they find a woman that can give them these feelings, who make them feel strong and powerful, then they will do everything they can to hold on to her, to look after her, and to reward her for the gifts that she gives them.
It's a great responsibility that a submissive, feminine woman gives a man that she loves and respects. When she finds this man that she trusts completely, that she can let go of her deepest inhibitions with, and know that he will respect the power she lets him have over her, then a wonderful thing happens. You have a deep, trusting and loving connection where two (or more) people can truly be themselves with each other, and be safe within those experiences.
While a woman's femininity and submissiveness is powerful, weakness and insecurity is not. A feminine woman is also a strong woman, and she will choose to be with a man who is respectful of her, who will appreciate her submissiveness, and she will appreciate his dominance. A weak woman, however, will not be able to appreciate a dominant man - and he won't be interested in her either. A weak and insecure woman is far more likely to be with a controlling man than a dominant man.
Some years ago I wrote Is dominance about controlling women?:
As we've discussed earlier in this post, there are many men who are still emotionally in potty training. Many of them might even think they're dominant men, but they're not. If they're trying to be dominant, it's more likely that they're trying to control others with emotional or physical abuse, thinking that's what being dominant is all about.
Luckily for us, they're a significant minority, but the rest of these men are still very weak and insecure themselves. They don't know how to take charge of their relationships, and the result is a complete imbalance in their life experiences and the kinds of relationships they're having.
Many of these emotionally weak men can only get emotionally weak women - like attracts like, after all. Strong women will not want to be with weak men, and strong men will not want to be with weak women.
And that's also where a lot of misunderstanding occurs - many people these days think a feminine woman is weak, but she's actually incredibly strong. Submitting to a dominant man takes amazing strength.
And really, when you look around you, how many weak and insecure women are also feminine and submissive? Not many. Most of the weak and insecure women seem to try and overcome their issues by being loud, obnoxious and abusive. Most of them are exactly like the weak and insecure men - thinking that they need to control their partner or others in their life through emotional or physical abuse.
They're like yapping chihuaha dogs, always barking at everyone and everything in order to try and pretend they're bigger than what they actually feel.
A feminine, submissive woman looks after herself, keeps herself fit, and tries to look her best at all times. She's respectful towards herself, towards other people, and her partner. She knows that pleasing her dominant partner is her mission in life.
A long time ago, I thought it was bad to be a dominant man with a submissive woman, but that's only because I was listening to a politically correct society trying to cater to the needs of the emotionally confused. Instead of following my heart, I was following the crowd. And the result was failure after failure. I was one of those weak and insecure men who hadn't found myself yet.
You see, I was choosing women who were my equal, because that's what society said I should be doing. I was choosing women who were also dominant personalities like I was. And the results were disastrous. As I said in my Dominance and submission post:
Every relationship needs to have a balance. Someone needs to be in charge, while the other lets them. Someone needs to be dominant, and the other submissive.
I also said this:
Both men and women can be the dominant ones in their relationship, and they can even swap this role when it feels right to do so. But when you get everyone wanting to be dominant, then you get a relationship that won't work.
That was the story of my life, until I realised the truth of things, and I realised I needed to be with a woman who wouldn't butt heads with me all the time.
I'm married now with a woman who's completely and absolutely perfect for me. She's submissive when I need to be dominant (most of the time), and yet she's dominant when I feel submissive (some of the time). When I just can't be fucked being the strong one, she's there to take the load. Most of the time I'm her 'rock', but there are also plenty of times when she's my rock too.
The beauty of it is that we let each other be whatever we recognise we need to be, in the moment. There are times when my wife lowers her head in front of me in submission, letting me have the control or the dominance in the moment, and all I can do is take her into my arms and hold her. And there are times when she looks me in the eye and asks me what the hell are you thinking? when I've done something foolish. (I'm only human!) I love all her ways.
Her submissiveness is her femininity in the face of my masculinity. When she surrenders her control, I have to step up and take control. Her vulnerability encourages me to be more of a man, to take control of situations that she struggles with,. And her strength is in recognising that the give and take of dominance and submission in our relationships is exactly how it needs to be. She knows when to be submissive and when to be dominant, and she's amazing because of that.
What I've also appreciated is that being with a woman who lets me be dominant has been the best path for me to heal my own passive aggressive issues. These issues mostly resulted in the first place from fighting and arguing with women who have tried to dominate me at all levels, because that's what they wanted and needed. I wasn't the man for them, and they weren't the women for me.
Finding your own perfect partner comes from understanding who you are and what you need, and then looking for the person who complements your unique personality.
If you're a man who needs to be dominant, then you don't want to be with a woman who also needs to be dominant. Your individual attempts (and fights) to 'be in charge' will be disastrous.
If you're a woman who needs to be with a strong man who will love and respect you and never put up with your shit, then you don't want to be with a man who's too weak to stand up to you. He'll disgust you.
Understanding who we are is the path to finding happiness with another person that will allow us to be ourselves, and who will love and appreciate that we allow them to be themselves too.
Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Or are you still confused? It might be time to start changing that around.
It's not for everyone, that's for sure. BDSM stands for 'Bondage-Discipline/Dominance-Submission/Sadism-Masochism'. The opposite of BDSM is 'vanilla', which is the 'normal' sexual relationships that most people have. One of the things I discovered about myself was that even though I wasn't 'vanilla', I also wasn't as extreme with what I enjoyed as many within the BDSM lifestyle seemed to be. And it was those extremes which made me realise I didn't need or want to be part of it any more, and so I moved on from it.
I first wrote about this back in 2009, in a post called Dominance and submission. At the time I was in the early days of my exploration of it, and I was excited to discover that I was a 'dominant' person, in regards to my relationship and sexual preferences. In light of the realisations I was having, many of my past relationship and sexual experiences began to fall into place in such a way that I understood a lot of my attitudes were completely wrong. No wonder I sucked at gaining and keeping the attention of women! But at the time, I never knew. I was young, innocent, and naive about the reality of men and women and sexual relationships.
The recent success of the book 50 Shades of Grey has shown the world that many, many women love the idea of being completely and utterly dominated by a man, sexually and emotionally. And even though they might say they don't want to be tied up or engage in other forms of bondage, they're all fantasizing about it. They just don't want to admit it because they think society will judge them harshly for it. But alone, in their minds, that's exactly what they want.
Men are, as a result of the mixed messages out there, confused about what they should be doing in today's world. On one hand there's the success of 50 Shades of Grey saying women want to be dominated by men, supported by the hundreds of thousands of women who made it so popular, and yet on the other hand there's thousands of screaming feminists who say they don't - who, ironically, are also buying the book themselves.
And to be honest, men's confusion about what's expected of them results in creating more problems for themselves that could be resolved if they just took charge of their lives and their relationships. As Kelly Marceau says:
There is nothing unsexier to a woman ... than a guy who is still potty training emotionally, and yet these types are running rampant in our culture.
She's certainly right about that. But what she doesn't seem to understand is that women like her have created these men in the first place.
If you read her post, she's basically having a huge rant about how men should stop being wimps and 'man up' so that they would appreciate a strong, independent woman like her.
But you see, most men don't want to be with strong, independent women, because such women simply drive men away. They think to themselves, 'you can take your strong, independent, bitch attitude and find someone else to nag with your demands and power talks.'
A dominant man is a man who knows himself, and who lives the life that he wants to live. He doesn't care what others think, because he doesn't need their approval or acceptance. He will do what he believes is best for him and those he cares about, and he'll ignore anyone that tells him to do or become what they want if it doesn't align with his own values. He'll still be respectful of others, and especially of those he loves, but he won't put up with abuse or disrespect, from anyone.
It's this kind of man that most women are looking for.
The dominant man doesn't want to be with a dominant woman. He doesn't want to have to spend his time fighting for dominance, for control, or to argue with the foolish or the stupid.
A dominant man needs a submissive woman, just like a dominant woman needs a submissive man. It's this yin and yang towards harmonious balance that works best in any relationship, and anyone that tells you differently is confused, mistaken, and completely unaware of how things really work. They're also probably single or if they're in a relationship, then it's probably with someone they're arguing with all the time.
Feminine women are submissive women, but there's a huge misunderstanding these days of what it means for a woman to be feminine or submissive. Being submissive does not mean she's a slave (although some women are), nor does it mean she accepts being abused (although many women do). There's a difference between being submissive and being weak.
When you have a woman being feminine and submissive instead of weak and insecure, you have a woman who is powerful. Her power is such that it makes men fall more deeply in love with her. It makes men want to do more for her. It makes men mad with desire for her, because her own power makes men feel powerful. The power she has is to let him have power over her. It's her choice, it's what she wants.
And that is also what men want. When they find a woman that can give them these feelings, who make them feel strong and powerful, then they will do everything they can to hold on to her, to look after her, and to reward her for the gifts that she gives them.
It's a great responsibility that a submissive, feminine woman gives a man that she loves and respects. When she finds this man that she trusts completely, that she can let go of her deepest inhibitions with, and know that he will respect the power she lets him have over her, then a wonderful thing happens. You have a deep, trusting and loving connection where two (or more) people can truly be themselves with each other, and be safe within those experiences.
While a woman's femininity and submissiveness is powerful, weakness and insecurity is not. A feminine woman is also a strong woman, and she will choose to be with a man who is respectful of her, who will appreciate her submissiveness, and she will appreciate his dominance. A weak woman, however, will not be able to appreciate a dominant man - and he won't be interested in her either. A weak and insecure woman is far more likely to be with a controlling man than a dominant man.
Some years ago I wrote Is dominance about controlling women?:
The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.
Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner.
As we've discussed earlier in this post, there are many men who are still emotionally in potty training. Many of them might even think they're dominant men, but they're not. If they're trying to be dominant, it's more likely that they're trying to control others with emotional or physical abuse, thinking that's what being dominant is all about.
Luckily for us, they're a significant minority, but the rest of these men are still very weak and insecure themselves. They don't know how to take charge of their relationships, and the result is a complete imbalance in their life experiences and the kinds of relationships they're having.
Many of these emotionally weak men can only get emotionally weak women - like attracts like, after all. Strong women will not want to be with weak men, and strong men will not want to be with weak women.
And that's also where a lot of misunderstanding occurs - many people these days think a feminine woman is weak, but she's actually incredibly strong. Submitting to a dominant man takes amazing strength.
And really, when you look around you, how many weak and insecure women are also feminine and submissive? Not many. Most of the weak and insecure women seem to try and overcome their issues by being loud, obnoxious and abusive. Most of them are exactly like the weak and insecure men - thinking that they need to control their partner or others in their life through emotional or physical abuse.
They're like yapping chihuaha dogs, always barking at everyone and everything in order to try and pretend they're bigger than what they actually feel.
A feminine, submissive woman looks after herself, keeps herself fit, and tries to look her best at all times. She's respectful towards herself, towards other people, and her partner. She knows that pleasing her dominant partner is her mission in life.
A long time ago, I thought it was bad to be a dominant man with a submissive woman, but that's only because I was listening to a politically correct society trying to cater to the needs of the emotionally confused. Instead of following my heart, I was following the crowd. And the result was failure after failure. I was one of those weak and insecure men who hadn't found myself yet.
You see, I was choosing women who were my equal, because that's what society said I should be doing. I was choosing women who were also dominant personalities like I was. And the results were disastrous. As I said in my Dominance and submission post:
No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.
Every relationship needs to have a balance. Someone needs to be in charge, while the other lets them. Someone needs to be dominant, and the other submissive.
I also said this:
There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man. This is just the natural order of things.
Both men and women can be the dominant ones in their relationship, and they can even swap this role when it feels right to do so. But when you get everyone wanting to be dominant, then you get a relationship that won't work.
That was the story of my life, until I realised the truth of things, and I realised I needed to be with a woman who wouldn't butt heads with me all the time.
I'm married now with a woman who's completely and absolutely perfect for me. She's submissive when I need to be dominant (most of the time), and yet she's dominant when I feel submissive (some of the time). When I just can't be fucked being the strong one, she's there to take the load. Most of the time I'm her 'rock', but there are also plenty of times when she's my rock too.
The beauty of it is that we let each other be whatever we recognise we need to be, in the moment. There are times when my wife lowers her head in front of me in submission, letting me have the control or the dominance in the moment, and all I can do is take her into my arms and hold her. And there are times when she looks me in the eye and asks me what the hell are you thinking? when I've done something foolish. (I'm only human!) I love all her ways.
Her submissiveness is her femininity in the face of my masculinity. When she surrenders her control, I have to step up and take control. Her vulnerability encourages me to be more of a man, to take control of situations that she struggles with,. And her strength is in recognising that the give and take of dominance and submission in our relationships is exactly how it needs to be. She knows when to be submissive and when to be dominant, and she's amazing because of that.
What I've also appreciated is that being with a woman who lets me be dominant has been the best path for me to heal my own passive aggressive issues. These issues mostly resulted in the first place from fighting and arguing with women who have tried to dominate me at all levels, because that's what they wanted and needed. I wasn't the man for them, and they weren't the women for me.
Finding your own perfect partner comes from understanding who you are and what you need, and then looking for the person who complements your unique personality.
If you're a man who needs to be dominant, then you don't want to be with a woman who also needs to be dominant. Your individual attempts (and fights) to 'be in charge' will be disastrous.
If you're a woman who needs to be with a strong man who will love and respect you and never put up with your shit, then you don't want to be with a man who's too weak to stand up to you. He'll disgust you.
Understanding who we are is the path to finding happiness with another person that will allow us to be ourselves, and who will love and appreciate that we allow them to be themselves too.
Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Or are you still confused? It might be time to start changing that around.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Train Wreck (guest post)
About 7 months ago, one of my wonderful readers took the opportunity to submit a great guest post about her experiences with a passive aggressive partner. You can read it here: Starting Over.
Here's the second part to that post, telling more of her story about her relationship with a passive aggressive man.
Living with a passive aggressive man that refuses to take responsibility for his attitudes, actions, or problems is like being in a train wreck in slow motion. You feel helpless. You see the train slowly chugging along, and then you notice the conductor falling asleep. You try to wake him, but he falls asleep again. The train picks up speed, and as the train gains momentum it goes around a sharp corner. You yell and scream to no avail. Since the conductor is asleep, the train derails and wrecks. Our train derailed many years ago, the train has wrecked, the carnage is lying on the ground. Some can be rescued, some can't. People look on in horror. They don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to help.
How did I discover I was living with a passive aggressive man? How did it affect me? When did it start?
It started in the beginning of our relationship, but I didn’t realize it. I pursued him more than he pursued me. I was very much attracted to him. I was anxious to get married. I was in an abusive marriage 6 years previously, and I ended up picking the opposite end of the pendulum. As I felt the biological time clock ticking, I look back and realize I probably “persuaded” him to marry me. How do I know this? As our marriage became more emotionally distant and we argued more, he often asked “why did you marry me?” I always answered “because I loved you…” When I asked “Why did you marry me?” he could never give me an answer. He just shrugged his shoulders and said “I don’t know…” Once he told me he married me out of guilt. I felt devastated.
Back to the train leaving the station. Six weeks after we married, I became pregnant with our first child. I was elated. I always wanted a large family. The train chugged along, the babies kept coming, one after another. They kept me busy, working. The babies adored me. They needed me. My husband worked long hours, I took care of the children and the house.
After a few years, I started longing for the affection and companionship that was missing. I started longing for more than cooing with the babies. I wanted dark, snuggly nights. I wanted romance. I wanted companionship. I wanted someone I could share my dreams and aspirations with. I wanted to work with him together. I wanted him to want me.
At first his excuses were “my gosh, we have so many children, they need us. We don’t have the money. I’m tired.” I would get discouraged, but I accepted his excuses. I allowed the excuses. Sometimes I cried and would get mad. I begged, I pleaded, and I wrote lists. His response was “Isn’t this why you wanted so many children? To keep you company?” The words stung. I blamed it all on myself. I had already been in an abusive relationship before and figured I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect.
Wanting a large family, I always dreamed of happy times with husband and wife playing in the park with their large brood of children. The large family happened, but the happy times never existed. Then the children started getting bigger, expressing their opinions, becoming harder to deal with. There was much controversy in disciplining the children. I became angrier as the years passed. I felt “stuck” in a dead marriage, but I felt helpless because you can’t make another person change. I felt helpless because I didn’t have the means of making it on my own with so many young children. I didn’t want to make it on my own. I wanted a loving relationship with mutual respect and adoration.
Many times I felt like I was the crazy one because why couldn’t I just be happy by myself? Why couldn’t I be happy without companionship? What was my problem? I even prayed fervently for God to take those desires out of my heart. He was happy being by himself, looking off aimlessly into the distance. He enjoyed my “physical presence of being around” but he did not want to interact with me. Oh, trivial talk about cars, weather, work schedules, etc. were easy. But don’t dare talk about emotions or needs I would get complete shut down and silence.
If things didn’t go as expected, there was much anger, and I would always try to calm him down. Again, I blamed it on myself. If only I had trained the children better, if only I had the energy to make his favorite meals every night. If only, if only, if only…. Maybe he wouldn’t get so angry. The interesting observation is that if he got angry, I remained calm and tried to subdue his anger. I tried to help him figure out why he was so angry. If I got angry, he got angry back at me, and then I felt even worse.
We tried marriage counseling again. We talked to the Pastor and wife at church. We talked to other couples. I bought books. I bought teaching tapes. We went to seminars. I kept trying and trying to figure out how to make our relationship work. I would end up crying, and he would say “yes, I know I should do…..” He would do it for a day and then revert back to his normal habits. I would get my hopes up with the tiny bit of faith, and then my hopes were dashed into the ground. There was no accountability.
I switched my affections to work, friends, and trying to socialize by myself. Deep inside I was slowly dying. I found I had nothing to look forward to and tried to create “things” that would excite me, impassion me, and spur me on. We moved to a bigger house, I bought farm animals, my business increased, I worked more. I slowly started distancing myself from being hurt. We were two good buddies living in the same house. Many times I felt like he was the 10th child. I had to be responsible for it all. He even referred to “babysitting the children.” Does a father babysit his own children?
I started to try and find “me”. The train began to derail. It was headed for an inevitable crash.
Here's the second part to that post, telling more of her story about her relationship with a passive aggressive man.
Train Wreck by 'girlFriday'
Living with a passive aggressive man that refuses to take responsibility for his attitudes, actions, or problems is like being in a train wreck in slow motion. You feel helpless. You see the train slowly chugging along, and then you notice the conductor falling asleep. You try to wake him, but he falls asleep again. The train picks up speed, and as the train gains momentum it goes around a sharp corner. You yell and scream to no avail. Since the conductor is asleep, the train derails and wrecks. Our train derailed many years ago, the train has wrecked, the carnage is lying on the ground. Some can be rescued, some can't. People look on in horror. They don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to help.
How did I discover I was living with a passive aggressive man? How did it affect me? When did it start?
It started in the beginning of our relationship, but I didn’t realize it. I pursued him more than he pursued me. I was very much attracted to him. I was anxious to get married. I was in an abusive marriage 6 years previously, and I ended up picking the opposite end of the pendulum. As I felt the biological time clock ticking, I look back and realize I probably “persuaded” him to marry me. How do I know this? As our marriage became more emotionally distant and we argued more, he often asked “why did you marry me?” I always answered “because I loved you…” When I asked “Why did you marry me?” he could never give me an answer. He just shrugged his shoulders and said “I don’t know…” Once he told me he married me out of guilt. I felt devastated.
Back to the train leaving the station. Six weeks after we married, I became pregnant with our first child. I was elated. I always wanted a large family. The train chugged along, the babies kept coming, one after another. They kept me busy, working. The babies adored me. They needed me. My husband worked long hours, I took care of the children and the house.
After a few years, I started longing for the affection and companionship that was missing. I started longing for more than cooing with the babies. I wanted dark, snuggly nights. I wanted romance. I wanted companionship. I wanted someone I could share my dreams and aspirations with. I wanted to work with him together. I wanted him to want me.
At first his excuses were “my gosh, we have so many children, they need us. We don’t have the money. I’m tired.” I would get discouraged, but I accepted his excuses. I allowed the excuses. Sometimes I cried and would get mad. I begged, I pleaded, and I wrote lists. His response was “Isn’t this why you wanted so many children? To keep you company?” The words stung. I blamed it all on myself. I had already been in an abusive relationship before and figured I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect.
Wanting a large family, I always dreamed of happy times with husband and wife playing in the park with their large brood of children. The large family happened, but the happy times never existed. Then the children started getting bigger, expressing their opinions, becoming harder to deal with. There was much controversy in disciplining the children. I became angrier as the years passed. I felt “stuck” in a dead marriage, but I felt helpless because you can’t make another person change. I felt helpless because I didn’t have the means of making it on my own with so many young children. I didn’t want to make it on my own. I wanted a loving relationship with mutual respect and adoration.
Many times I felt like I was the crazy one because why couldn’t I just be happy by myself? Why couldn’t I be happy without companionship? What was my problem? I even prayed fervently for God to take those desires out of my heart. He was happy being by himself, looking off aimlessly into the distance. He enjoyed my “physical presence of being around” but he did not want to interact with me. Oh, trivial talk about cars, weather, work schedules, etc. were easy. But don’t dare talk about emotions or needs I would get complete shut down and silence.
If things didn’t go as expected, there was much anger, and I would always try to calm him down. Again, I blamed it on myself. If only I had trained the children better, if only I had the energy to make his favorite meals every night. If only, if only, if only…. Maybe he wouldn’t get so angry. The interesting observation is that if he got angry, I remained calm and tried to subdue his anger. I tried to help him figure out why he was so angry. If I got angry, he got angry back at me, and then I felt even worse.
We tried marriage counseling again. We talked to the Pastor and wife at church. We talked to other couples. I bought books. I bought teaching tapes. We went to seminars. I kept trying and trying to figure out how to make our relationship work. I would end up crying, and he would say “yes, I know I should do…..” He would do it for a day and then revert back to his normal habits. I would get my hopes up with the tiny bit of faith, and then my hopes were dashed into the ground. There was no accountability.
I switched my affections to work, friends, and trying to socialize by myself. Deep inside I was slowly dying. I found I had nothing to look forward to and tried to create “things” that would excite me, impassion me, and spur me on. We moved to a bigger house, I bought farm animals, my business increased, I worked more. I slowly started distancing myself from being hurt. We were two good buddies living in the same house. Many times I felt like he was the 10th child. I had to be responsible for it all. He even referred to “babysitting the children.” Does a father babysit his own children?
I started to try and find “me”. The train began to derail. It was headed for an inevitable crash.
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