I named this blog Alan's Journey, because it's essentially about my journey through life. The joys I experience, the challenges I face, and the sadnesses I have to deal with (hopefully not too many!).
One of the thoughts I've had for many years is that I'll write a book about the story of my life. Maybe I don't need to do a book, just this blog will do. Or maybe this blog will lead to a book.
Who knows? I don't. All I know is that I love writing. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been blogging since 1998. I've been keeping a diary since 1986, that I wrote in regularly. At least until I started blogging on the internet, that is.
Would you believe I almost threw out my diaries a couple months ago? I felt that they weren't important to who I am today. Yes, the experiences of my life have led me to where I am today, but what's important is who I am today, what I do, and how I feel.
But thinking about throwing the dairies away just didn't feel right. My memory is terrible, so there's going to be a need for me to review my diaries as I start working on the timeline, so that I can record 'titles' of events that occurred in my past, which will trigger the writing of stories about those events.
If I don't have the diaries to review, I'm going to forget half those events and never get around to writing the stories. So I'm glad I kept them.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Exchanging your time for money
We only have so much time available to us in this life, and what do we do with it? We waste it, exchanging our time for money from meaningless jobs, and then we spend that money on meaningless 'stuff'.
Occasionally we spend money on a holiday, trying to exchange the money for more time. But then we have to return to exchanging more time for more money so we can repeat the same meaningless cycle.
How's that working out for you? I can tell you that it's not working out very well for me.
It doesn't make much sense to me that we engage in this behaviour, but we do it because everyone else does. We do it because it's what we're expected to do. We do it because it's safe.
There's not many of us who spend our time wisely, doing things that are meaningful. Most of us just waste our time, and then before we know it, the years have gone by and we wonder where all that time went. We're running out of time, and we have little to show for it.
I think it's a much better idea to earn money without having to exchange my time for it.
You're probably thinking, how does that work?
Setting up a means of earning money without your active involvement is one way of doing it. For example, let's say you're currently exchanging 40 hours of your time each week for $1,000 a week. What if you could work only 4 hours a week for that same $1,000? You now have more time available to you while earning the same amount of money.
You could spend that time on things that are meaningful. Like with your family, your children. Your time would become far more valuable to you because you're able to do more with it, while still earning a reasonable income to support the extra time you're earning.
Many people think if they want to make more money they have to spend more of their time. That's not my goal.
My goal is to spend less of my time to earn more money. And then I want to have my money continuously increasing without me having to spend more time on it, so that the more money I earn, the more time I'll have available to me.
That's what I'm currently striving for. I want to build a business that will earn me money without me exchanging a great deal of my time for it.
I'm in the process of setting it up. I think it's got a good chance of success, as long as I do it right. I'm still working out the details of how I do it right.
But there's also the idea that instead of waiting, I should just set it in motion. Create it and then modify it as it grows, or as I seek to improve it.
What am I waiting for? I'm not sure. I think I'm just wary about 'what if it doesn't work out?' But you never know if something will work or not until you try it.
So I'll be starting it this week.
Occasionally we spend money on a holiday, trying to exchange the money for more time. But then we have to return to exchanging more time for more money so we can repeat the same meaningless cycle.
How's that working out for you? I can tell you that it's not working out very well for me.
It doesn't make much sense to me that we engage in this behaviour, but we do it because everyone else does. We do it because it's what we're expected to do. We do it because it's safe.
There's not many of us who spend our time wisely, doing things that are meaningful. Most of us just waste our time, and then before we know it, the years have gone by and we wonder where all that time went. We're running out of time, and we have little to show for it.
I think it's a much better idea to earn money without having to exchange my time for it.
You're probably thinking, how does that work?
Setting up a means of earning money without your active involvement is one way of doing it. For example, let's say you're currently exchanging 40 hours of your time each week for $1,000 a week. What if you could work only 4 hours a week for that same $1,000? You now have more time available to you while earning the same amount of money.
You could spend that time on things that are meaningful. Like with your family, your children. Your time would become far more valuable to you because you're able to do more with it, while still earning a reasonable income to support the extra time you're earning.
Many people think if they want to make more money they have to spend more of their time. That's not my goal.
My goal is to spend less of my time to earn more money. And then I want to have my money continuously increasing without me having to spend more time on it, so that the more money I earn, the more time I'll have available to me.
That's what I'm currently striving for. I want to build a business that will earn me money without me exchanging a great deal of my time for it.
I'm in the process of setting it up. I think it's got a good chance of success, as long as I do it right. I'm still working out the details of how I do it right.
But there's also the idea that instead of waiting, I should just set it in motion. Create it and then modify it as it grows, or as I seek to improve it.
What am I waiting for? I'm not sure. I think I'm just wary about 'what if it doesn't work out?' But you never know if something will work or not until you try it.
So I'll be starting it this week.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Planning our wedding
My fiancee, Fanfan, and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding. We're looking at in approximately 6 months from now. I'll be documenting the progress in this blog.It's going to be a small and simple wedding, because that's just what we want. But it's going to have her in a gown of some kind, with her father walking her down the aisle. So that's a good start for planning it.
As I get more of an idea about how it's going to turn out, with definite plans being set agreed upon and set in place, I'll add updates to this blog.
Life would be pretty boring without new adventures here and there, don't you think?
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
I wrote about expectations and resentments on Google+ back in late December, and after someone +1'd it today and reminded me about it, I thought I'd put it in here as well. With a few edits to improve it, of course.
When we have expectations about people and situations, we invariably end up disappointed by them, and when it's a friend or family member who's disappointing us, we can often end up resentful of them for not meeting our expectations.
Some scenarios:
Most of our anger and resentment of others come from unmet expectations. We place people into categories and assign them expectations associated with the category.
For example, we expect different things from our spouse, our parents, our children, our friends, our workmates.... When they do things that don't match our expectations, we get angry at them for disappointing us. For not thinking about us. For not caring about us. For disrespecting us.
All because they're not doing what we expect of them.
Life can be so much simpler and happier if we give up our expectations about people and situations and just be grateful for the good things we have in our life.
In the context of the scenarios mentioned above, we could instead be grateful that our loved one did their best to clean the house. We could be grateful that we can afford to go out for dinner and enjoy a good meal. We can be grateful that we have loved ones in our life and we're not alone. We can be grateful that someone cared about us to get us any kind of gift, or even a card.
When you're resentful at people for not meeting your expectations, you will end up making them not want to be around you any more. You create drama in your life and amongst the people you mix with. You create anger and resentment. You can even create illness that results from your physical and emotional stress. Dis-ease can often be fixed by bringing back the ease in your life.
Now is a good time to start making really positive and significant changes in our lives, and it starts with letting go of expectations.
When we have expectations about people and situations, we invariably end up disappointed by them, and when it's a friend or family member who's disappointing us, we can often end up resentful of them for not meeting our expectations.
Some scenarios:
"I expect you to clean the house the way I like it. But since you did it in a way I didn't expect - or you didn't do it at all even though I expected you to - then I'm resentful. No, I'm downright angry!"
"I expect there to be a particular style or taste of food at this restaurant, and if they don't appease my taste buds today, which change according to my mood, I'll let them know it! I pay them good money to serve me food that I'll like, and if they don't meet my expectations, it's THEIR fault! I might even sue them for it...."
"I expect you to behave a particular way because you're my spouse / parent / child / friend (take your pick), and since you don't act as I expect you to act, I'm going to be angry with you."
"It's my birthday. I expect an expensive gift. Wait... what's this? This isn't an expensive gift! I'm so angry!" (Alternatively: "I expect a gift. Wait, what's this? A card? Where's my gift? I'm so angry!")
Most of our anger and resentment of others come from unmet expectations. We place people into categories and assign them expectations associated with the category.
For example, we expect different things from our spouse, our parents, our children, our friends, our workmates.... When they do things that don't match our expectations, we get angry at them for disappointing us. For not thinking about us. For not caring about us. For disrespecting us.
All because they're not doing what we expect of them.
Life can be so much simpler and happier if we give up our expectations about people and situations and just be grateful for the good things we have in our life.
In the context of the scenarios mentioned above, we could instead be grateful that our loved one did their best to clean the house. We could be grateful that we can afford to go out for dinner and enjoy a good meal. We can be grateful that we have loved ones in our life and we're not alone. We can be grateful that someone cared about us to get us any kind of gift, or even a card.
When you're resentful at people for not meeting your expectations, you will end up making them not want to be around you any more. You create drama in your life and amongst the people you mix with. You create anger and resentment. You can even create illness that results from your physical and emotional stress. Dis-ease can often be fixed by bringing back the ease in your life.
Now is a good time to start making really positive and significant changes in our lives, and it starts with letting go of expectations.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Growing out of passive aggression
One of the most popular posts of my old blog is about how I was trying to grow out of passive aggression, and surprisingly succeeding! It's still getting people comment on it today.
The post was written only two years after I discovered I had Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD). That was five years ago, or seven years since I found out I have PAPD. I've come a long way since then.
The description for it today (on Wikipedia) is:
One of the things I wrote back then, which is still true today, is this:
It was all about accepting responsibility for the things that were happening in my life. Not trying to find someone else to blame, but making sure I did whatever needed to be done to fix whatever issue I was involved in. Even if I thought I wasn't responsible, I acted as if I was.
I finished my post back then with the following:
Now, five years later, I feel like I HAVE succeeded. My career has moved ahead leaps and bounds, and I'm with a woman who I love very much and who loves me for who I am, warts and all. Being loved and accepted by someone for who I am has been greatly rewarding, not only for the healing it's helped me with, but also for being with someone who really completes me. I can't imagine being without her in my life.
Don't get me wrong. It's still a struggle to continue avoiding the 'personality disorder' part of my old behaviour. I still experience episodes of passive aggression, but they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be.
It's easy these days for me to accept responsibility for any passive aggressive things I say or do - or don't say or do - and work on fixing them as soon as I can. It's easy for me to take ownership of things that aren't my responsibility at work, and make them my responsibility.
Everything's just so much easier these days.
But it's not that life is easier. That's still highly challenging at times, as it is for all of us. But I'm no longer afraid to take responsibility, and accept the consequences for it.
It's a great feeling.
The post was written only two years after I discovered I had Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD). That was five years ago, or seven years since I found out I have PAPD. I've come a long way since then.
The description for it today (on Wikipedia) is:
A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
- passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
- complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
- is sullen and argumentative
- unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
- expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
- voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
- alternates between hostile defiance and contrition
One of the things I wrote back then, which is still true today, is this:
What helped me was the realisation that my passive aggression was only hurting ME, and preventing ME from realising my true potential or finding my true happiness. I realised that it's not up to someone else to help me cure it, or to understand and accept me for who I am. It was up to me to refuse to accept my own intolerable behaviour. I was responsible for what I was doing, no one else. Sure, I could blame my parents all I wanted… But they're not in control of my life any more. I am. It was up to me to take control and stop blaming others for my own behaviour.
It was all about accepting responsibility for the things that were happening in my life. Not trying to find someone else to blame, but making sure I did whatever needed to be done to fix whatever issue I was involved in. Even if I thought I wasn't responsible, I acted as if I was.
I finished my post back then with the following:
Basically, us passive aggressives have to stop accepting our own excuses and make some serious changes to get ourselves out of the stupid rut we're in. Take charge of our lives and actually do something proactive. We are responsible for everything we do and feel, and even the reactions people have to our behaviour. BE responsible, and make some changes. It's nice to feel like I'm succeeding.
Now, five years later, I feel like I HAVE succeeded. My career has moved ahead leaps and bounds, and I'm with a woman who I love very much and who loves me for who I am, warts and all. Being loved and accepted by someone for who I am has been greatly rewarding, not only for the healing it's helped me with, but also for being with someone who really completes me. I can't imagine being without her in my life.
Don't get me wrong. It's still a struggle to continue avoiding the 'personality disorder' part of my old behaviour. I still experience episodes of passive aggression, but they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be.
It's easy these days for me to accept responsibility for any passive aggressive things I say or do - or don't say or do - and work on fixing them as soon as I can. It's easy for me to take ownership of things that aren't my responsibility at work, and make them my responsibility.
Everything's just so much easier these days.
But it's not that life is easier. That's still highly challenging at times, as it is for all of us. But I'm no longer afraid to take responsibility, and accept the consequences for it.
It's a great feeling.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Traveling while disabled
One of the things I'm intending doing this year is writing more about my travels, and my experiences as a disabled person, off-road driver and traveller. I'm not sure how many of those there are out there who fit into all those categories, but I'm sure they're out there, and I'm one of them.
I'm not disabled to the point that I can't walk, so I'm lucky and grateful for that. But I'm disabled in that I can't lift anything heavy, and I can't do a lot of bending, and I can't stand or walk for longer than a few minutes without it causing me pain.
I know, I know - "You can stand?! And WALK?! LUXURY!"
All those with a disability are unique, and I'm fully aware that my own disability is a lot less significant than many other people's disabilities. However, I'm not here to compare my disability with anyone else's, but everyone with a disability knows that they are disabled, in whatever manner that might be, and their life is impacted by that to the point that they're simply unable to share many of the same experiences in life as those who aren't disabled.
What I want to do is show that just because I have a disability that prevents me from walking, it doesn't need to affect my exploration of life and our world. Even to disabled people, there are a multitude of experiences that are available to them.
Of course, to those who can't even move or get out of bed, my posts might not be entirely suitable, but at the end of the day we can all find inspiration in anything.
It's 'an inspiration' that I want to provide for those that are looking for it. I want to give those that need it an understanding that they don't need to be limited by their body, and that there are things they can do to compensate for any physical weaknesses they might have.
One of the first battles, however, is in the mind rather than the body. We need to decide we're not going to accept our limitations before we can decide to do something about it. That decision might take years of struggle, but it's entirely possible to win - especially when what you're doing is fighting against yourself.
So I'll be writing about my experiences as I search for and find solutions to various issues that I have, with the intention of helping others search for and find similar solutions to their own problems.
It's my journey, and it's unique. But it can also be shared with those that will be encouraged to find ways they can enrich their own life experiences.
I'm not disabled to the point that I can't walk, so I'm lucky and grateful for that. But I'm disabled in that I can't lift anything heavy, and I can't do a lot of bending, and I can't stand or walk for longer than a few minutes without it causing me pain.
I know, I know - "You can stand?! And WALK?! LUXURY!"
All those with a disability are unique, and I'm fully aware that my own disability is a lot less significant than many other people's disabilities. However, I'm not here to compare my disability with anyone else's, but everyone with a disability knows that they are disabled, in whatever manner that might be, and their life is impacted by that to the point that they're simply unable to share many of the same experiences in life as those who aren't disabled.
What I want to do is show that just because I have a disability that prevents me from walking, it doesn't need to affect my exploration of life and our world. Even to disabled people, there are a multitude of experiences that are available to them.
Of course, to those who can't even move or get out of bed, my posts might not be entirely suitable, but at the end of the day we can all find inspiration in anything.
It's 'an inspiration' that I want to provide for those that are looking for it. I want to give those that need it an understanding that they don't need to be limited by their body, and that there are things they can do to compensate for any physical weaknesses they might have.
One of the first battles, however, is in the mind rather than the body. We need to decide we're not going to accept our limitations before we can decide to do something about it. That decision might take years of struggle, but it's entirely possible to win - especially when what you're doing is fighting against yourself.
So I'll be writing about my experiences as I search for and find solutions to various issues that I have, with the intention of helping others search for and find similar solutions to their own problems.
It's my journey, and it's unique. But it can also be shared with those that will be encouraged to find ways they can enrich their own life experiences.
Introverts and friendships
Being an introvert, it's important for me to 'recharge my batteries' after being around groups of people. Such experiences just drain all my energy. This is the same with most introverts, if not all of them. They don't like crowds, they don't like parties, and they don't like being the centre of attention. I definitely fit into that category.
But disliking large groups of people is not the same as disliking people. Introverts can really enjoy having people in their life - just not a lot of them at the same time.
I've recently culled a whole bunch of people from my Facebook account. These were people that didn't interact with me in my life, or in Facebook. Some of them had been friends in the past, but time and distance between us have made us strangers. So I dumped them from Facebook. They'll probably never even know.
I looked at the remainder, and of the 82 people in the list, about 80% of them have been real face to face friends on my life. The remaining 20% have become friends via online interaction.
What are friends, exactly?
I think they're people who you enjoy interacting with, because they share common interests or activities. Something they do makes your life better or more interesting, and so you seek out continued interaction.
When that interaction stops, when you're no longer interacting, it can often mean the friendship is over. Time to move on.
But that's not always true, of course. Some friends might only interact with you once a year, or even once every few years. But they've been around forever, and you have a shared history that is still meaningful to you, and they'll never stop being friends.
As you'd expect, I'm speaking like an introvert that values deep and meaningful connections.
What about extroverts and friendships?
Continuing with this theme (speaking like an introvert) and based on my observations of people, I occasionally find myself wondering how deep and meaningful the friendships are that extroverts have. How often would they engage in deep and meaningful conversations? Or do they just not care for that kind of thing?
Shallow conversations about meaningless subjects seem to be the theme of extroverts. I suspect they're great friends with those who reflect themselves, who also engage in shallow and meaningless conversations. Shared interests are probably activities where they do things more often than they talk about things.
My thoughts on this only go as far as my own experiences and observations have taken me.
If there's any extroverts out there that have really deep and meaningful connections with their friends, I'd really love your feedback about how you develop and maintain those connections.
But disliking large groups of people is not the same as disliking people. Introverts can really enjoy having people in their life - just not a lot of them at the same time.
I've recently culled a whole bunch of people from my Facebook account. These were people that didn't interact with me in my life, or in Facebook. Some of them had been friends in the past, but time and distance between us have made us strangers. So I dumped them from Facebook. They'll probably never even know.
I looked at the remainder, and of the 82 people in the list, about 80% of them have been real face to face friends on my life. The remaining 20% have become friends via online interaction.
What are friends, exactly?
I think they're people who you enjoy interacting with, because they share common interests or activities. Something they do makes your life better or more interesting, and so you seek out continued interaction.
When that interaction stops, when you're no longer interacting, it can often mean the friendship is over. Time to move on.
But that's not always true, of course. Some friends might only interact with you once a year, or even once every few years. But they've been around forever, and you have a shared history that is still meaningful to you, and they'll never stop being friends.
As you'd expect, I'm speaking like an introvert that values deep and meaningful connections.
What about extroverts and friendships?
Continuing with this theme (speaking like an introvert) and based on my observations of people, I occasionally find myself wondering how deep and meaningful the friendships are that extroverts have. How often would they engage in deep and meaningful conversations? Or do they just not care for that kind of thing?
Shallow conversations about meaningless subjects seem to be the theme of extroverts. I suspect they're great friends with those who reflect themselves, who also engage in shallow and meaningless conversations. Shared interests are probably activities where they do things more often than they talk about things.
My thoughts on this only go as far as my own experiences and observations have taken me.
If there's any extroverts out there that have really deep and meaningful connections with their friends, I'd really love your feedback about how you develop and maintain those connections.
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