Finding the D/s balance in relationships

It feels like such a long time ago now, but it was only a few years ago that I explored the nature of relationships and sexuality within the BDSM lifestyle. I enjoyed what I learned and experienced, especially what I learned about myself. Exploring BDSM helped me understand what kind of person I really was, and what kind of woman I wanted to be with.

It's not for everyone, that's for sure. BDSM stands for 'Bondage-Discipline/Dominance-Submission/Sadism-Masochism'. The opposite of BDSM is 'vanilla', which is the 'normal' sexual relationships that most people have. One of the things I discovered about myself was that even though I wasn't 'vanilla', I also wasn't as extreme with what I enjoyed as many within the BDSM lifestyle seemed to be. And it was those extremes which made me realise I didn't need or want to be part of it any more, and so I moved on from it.

I first wrote about this back in 2009, in a post called Dominance and submission. At the time I was in the early days of my exploration of it, and I was excited to discover that I was a 'dominant' person, in regards to my relationship and sexual preferences. In light of the realisations I was having, many of my past relationship and sexual experiences began to fall into place in such a way that I understood a lot of my attitudes were completely wrong. No wonder I sucked at gaining and keeping the attention of women! But at the time, I never knew. I was young, innocent, and naive about the reality of men and women and sexual relationships.

The recent success of the book 50 Shades of Grey has shown the world that many, many women love the idea of being completely and utterly dominated by a man, sexually and emotionally. And even though they might say they don't want to be tied up or engage in other forms of bondage, they're all fantasizing about it. They just don't want to admit it because they think society will judge them harshly for it. But alone, in their minds, that's exactly what they want.



Men are, as a result of the mixed messages out there, confused about what they should be doing in today's world. On one hand there's the success of 50 Shades of Grey saying women want to be dominated by men, supported by the hundreds of thousands of women who made it so popular, and yet on the other hand there's thousands of screaming feminists who say they don't - who, ironically, are also buying the book themselves.

And to be honest, men's confusion about what's expected of them results in creating more problems for themselves that could be resolved if they just took charge of their lives and their relationships. As Kelly Marceau says:

There is nothing unsexier to a woman ... than a guy who is still potty training emotionally, and yet these types are running rampant in our culture.

She's certainly right about that. But what she doesn't seem to understand is that women like her have created these men in the first place.

If you read her post, she's basically having a huge rant about how men should stop being wimps and 'man up' so that they would appreciate a strong, independent woman like her.

But you see, most men don't want to be with strong, independent women, because such women simply drive men away. They think to themselves, 'you can take your strong, independent, bitch attitude and find someone else to nag with your demands and power talks.'

A dominant man is a man who knows himself, and who lives the life that he wants to live. He doesn't care what others think, because he doesn't need their approval or acceptance. He will do what he believes is best for him and those he cares about, and he'll ignore anyone that tells him to do or become what they want if it doesn't align with his own values. He'll still be respectful of others, and especially of those he loves, but he won't put up with abuse or disrespect, from anyone.

It's this kind of man that most women are looking for.

The dominant man doesn't want to be with a dominant woman. He doesn't want to have to spend his time fighting for dominance, for control, or to argue with the foolish or the stupid.

A dominant man needs a submissive woman, just like a dominant woman needs a submissive man. It's this yin and yang towards harmonious balance that works best in any relationship, and anyone that tells you differently is confused, mistaken, and completely unaware of how things really work. They're also probably single or if they're in a relationship, then it's probably with someone they're arguing with all the time.



Feminine women are submissive women, but there's a huge misunderstanding these days of what it means for a woman to be feminine or submissive. Being submissive does not mean she's a slave (although some women are), nor does it mean she accepts being abused (although many women do). There's a difference between being submissive and being weak.

When you have a woman being feminine and submissive instead of weak and insecure, you have a woman who is powerful. Her power is such that it makes men fall more deeply in love with her. It makes men want to do more for her. It makes men mad with desire for her, because her own power makes men feel powerful. The power she has is to let him have power over her. It's her choice, it's what she wants.

And that is also what men want. When they find a woman that can give them these feelings, who make them feel strong and powerful, then they will do everything they can to hold on to her, to look after her, and to reward her for the gifts that she gives them.

It's a great responsibility that a submissive, feminine woman gives a man that she loves and respects. When she finds this man that she trusts completely, that she can let go of her deepest inhibitions with, and know that he will respect the power she lets him have over her, then a wonderful thing happens. You have a deep, trusting and loving connection where two (or more) people can truly be themselves with each other, and be safe within those experiences.

While a woman's femininity and submissiveness is powerful, weakness and insecurity is not. A feminine woman is also a strong woman, and she will choose to be with a man who is respectful of her, who will appreciate her submissiveness, and she will appreciate his dominance. A weak woman, however, will not be able to appreciate a dominant man - and he won't be interested in her either. A weak and insecure woman is far more likely to be with a controlling man than a dominant man.

Some years ago I wrote Is dominance about controlling women?:

The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.

Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner.

As we've discussed earlier in this post, there are many men who are still emotionally in potty training. Many of them might even think they're dominant men, but they're not. If they're trying to be dominant, it's more likely that they're trying to control others with emotional or physical abuse, thinking that's what being dominant is all about.

Luckily for us, they're a significant minority, but the rest of these men are still very weak and insecure themselves. They don't know how to take charge of their relationships, and the result is a complete imbalance in their life experiences and the kinds of relationships they're having.

Many of these emotionally weak men can only get emotionally weak women - like attracts like, after all. Strong women will not want to be with weak men, and strong men will not want to be with weak women.

And that's also where a lot of misunderstanding occurs - many people these days think a feminine woman is weak, but she's actually incredibly strong. Submitting to a dominant man takes amazing strength.

And really, when you look around you, how many weak and insecure women are also feminine and submissive? Not many. Most of the weak and insecure women seem to try and overcome their issues by being loud, obnoxious and abusive. Most of them are exactly like the weak and insecure men - thinking that they need to control their partner or others in their life through emotional or physical abuse.

They're like yapping chihuaha dogs, always barking at everyone and everything in order to try and pretend they're bigger than what they actually feel.



A feminine, submissive woman looks after herself, keeps herself fit, and tries to look her best at all times. She's respectful towards herself, towards other people, and her partner. She knows that pleasing her dominant partner is her mission in life.



A long time ago, I thought it was bad to be a dominant man with a submissive woman, but that's only because I was listening to a politically correct society trying to cater to the needs of the emotionally confused. Instead of following my heart, I was following the crowd. And the result was failure after failure. I was one of those weak and insecure men who hadn't found myself yet.

You see, I was choosing women who were my equal, because that's what society said I should be doing. I was choosing women who were also dominant personalities like I was. And the results were disastrous. As I said in my Dominance and submission post:

No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.

Every relationship needs to have a balance. Someone needs to be in charge, while the other lets them. Someone needs to be dominant, and the other submissive.

I also said this:

There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man. This is just the natural order of things.

Both men and women can be the dominant ones in their relationship, and they can even swap this role when it feels right to do so. But when you get everyone wanting to be dominant, then you get a relationship that won't work.

That was the story of my life, until I realised the truth of things, and I realised I needed to be with a woman who wouldn't butt heads with me all the time.

I'm married now with a woman who's completely and absolutely perfect for me. She's submissive when I need to be dominant (most of the time), and yet she's dominant when I feel submissive (some of the time). When I just can't be fucked being the strong one, she's there to take the load. Most of the time I'm her 'rock', but there are also plenty of times when she's my rock too.

The beauty of it is that we let each other be whatever we recognise we need to be, in the moment. There are times when my wife lowers her head in front of me in submission, letting me have the control or the dominance in the moment, and all I can do is take her into my arms and hold her. And there are times when she looks me in the eye and asks me what the hell are you thinking? when I've done something foolish. (I'm only human!) I love all her ways.

Her submissiveness is her femininity in the face of my masculinity. When she surrenders her control, I have to step up and take control. Her vulnerability encourages me to be more of a man, to take control of situations that she struggles with,. And her strength is in recognising that the give and take of dominance and submission in our relationships is exactly how it needs to be. She knows when to be submissive and when to be dominant, and she's amazing because of that.

What I've also appreciated is that being with a woman who lets me be dominant has been the best path for me to heal my own passive aggressive issues. These issues mostly resulted in the first place from fighting and arguing with women who have tried to dominate me at all levels, because that's what they wanted and needed. I wasn't the man for them, and they weren't the women for me.



Finding your own perfect partner comes from understanding who you are and what you need, and then looking for the person who complements your unique personality.

If you're a man who needs to be dominant, then you don't want to be with a woman who also needs to be dominant. Your individual attempts (and fights) to 'be in charge' will be disastrous.

If you're a woman who needs to be with a strong man who will love and respect you and never put up with your shit, then you don't want to be with a man who's too weak to stand up to you. He'll disgust you.

Understanding who we are is the path to finding happiness with another person that will allow us to be ourselves, and who will love and appreciate that we allow them to be themselves too.

Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Or are you still confused? It might be time to start changing that around.