I'll write what you want. Just ask

I got this idea from reading about it somewhere else.

Basically, you tell me what you'd like me to write about in a comment below. You can suggest a topic, or ask me a question, and I'll write something about it. No question is too big or too small. Share in the comments below and I'll get started!

Choose yourself, not your abuser

For all kinds of different reasons, we may end up in the wrong relationship with someone. When things go bad, we try to hold on to those relationships because it's important to us to try and show our commitment by staying with them, trying to work through things, and trying to make the relationship a good one instead of a bad one. Nice sentiments, but not always practical.

If you're with the wrong man, then you might be struggling because you're both trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

One of the things I've come to understand over the years is that passive aggression (something I'm intimately familiar with) exists in all people, but for most of them, it only occurs in isolated instances. People with passive aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) have it most of the time. It affects their life, and their relationships.

And one of the most fascinating aspects of PAPD is that it seems mostly men suffer it. But the very nature of its most predominant symptom of denying their responsibility means they avoid seeking healing because they don't want to believe they're responsible for the issues in their life or relationships.

I also came to understand from my own experiences that when I wasn't around people trying to control me, I wasn't passive aggressive. Part of my own problem in life was that sometimes I was choosing the wrong women to be around, and this is part of the problem with all PAPD sufferers - and their partners too. They choose the wrong people.

Loving connections between people include mutual respect, care, support, communication, and happiness. Having all of those in your relationship means you're with the right person. Maintaining that takes effort, but you should be maintaining a state of happiness and fulfillment. When you're trying to constantly fix something that's just broken, you're in the wrong relationship and you're wasting your time and your life.

Your consistent happiness over time is a sign of whether or not a relationship is right for you.

[Tweet "If you're happy, keep going. If you're unhappy, change course."]

If you're unhappy and struggling in your relationship, get the hell out of it. You don't need to be with someone who abuses you with their behaviour. They're not going to change, because if that was likely, they'd already be trying to change and trying to talk to you about their issues and seeking your help to overcome them.

If they're not doing that, all you can do is look forward to more of their continued abusive behaviour if you stay with them.

And you know what? A big part of the reason your partner abuses you with passive aggression - or other forms of abuse - is because you're still with him, regardless of everything he's done. You've been inadvertently telling him that it's ok to abuse you. If it wasn't ok, you'd leave him. Since you're still with him, it must be ok. That's what he's thinking.

I want you to choose yourself. Choose your own happiness. Choose a good life.

If you're in such a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive or abusive in any other way, I want you to know that I'm here for you, to help you with any questions you have, any advice you need, or any guidance. As long as it's all based on choosing yourself and moving on. You need to move on. You need to leave him behind. You need to get the hell out of this abusive situation you're in, and start building a wonderful, exciting and happy life for yourself.

I know you can do that.

How did I change my own situation, and get treatment? How did I heal my own passive aggressive personality disorder? I realised I was the one at fault. I had to take control of my life, and take ownership of my responsibilities. I had to make important decisions about what was working in my life and what wasn't, and I had to walk away from what wasn't working so that I could work out what did work.

I took some time out for myself, spent three years exploring my life while single, trying to work out exactly what kind of person I wanted or needed to be, and what kind of person I needed to be with. I needed to know myself in order to know who I was best suited to be with in a relationship.

I worked out that I had been choosing women who were dominant like me. We were two bulls butting horns, all the time, and that's why I was passive aggressive in those relationships. There were relationships I'd had with women where I wasn't passive aggressive.

Once I knew what was going on, and why my passive aggression was being triggered, I knew what kind of woman I needed to be with. From that moment, I very quickly found my ideal woman for me and thankfully, I happened to be the ideal man for her. We've been together for almost 3 years, and got married about 6 months ago. She's perfect for me because she doesn't trigger my passive aggression at all.

If you like being in control in your relationships, for whatever reasons, then don't be with someone that hates being controlled. Trying to control someone that doesn't want to be controlled is a 'trigger' for their passive aggression, especially if they feel it's unsafe for them to express themselves.

If you're a dominant personality and experiencing passive aggressive reactions from your partner who is also dominant, then you might need to be with a submissive personality in order for your relationship to work. And if that's your choice, such a relationship is perfectly ok. Whatever makes two people happy is absolutely perfect. It doesn't matter what other people think; it's not their life you're living.

In order to heal, you need to avoid whatever it is that's been hurting you, so that you can have the space and the time to heal your wounds.

If you're here reading this because you're at a point in your life and your relationship that you're considering choosing yourself instead of your abuser, I know it's not an easy journey you're considering. I wish you all the strength in the world.

Why do you keep coming back?

Quite a few of you are regular readers. You either subscribe for email or RSS updates, or you've bookmarked this site and it interests you enough to keep coming back.

What is it that keeps you coming back? What particular topics on this blog do you enjoy reading?

I'd really like to know. I'd like to know what you enjoy about this site and my writing, so that I can continue doing more of it for you.

You're my audience and I'd like to get to know you, and what you enjoy.

Thank you for commenting below about why you keep coming back.

Taking selfies means you're mentally ill

If you're someone who takes lots of photos of yourself in a bathroom or out somewhere enjoying yourself - instead of taking photos of what it is you're enjoying - then you're probably a narcissist with a mental illness. There's something wrong with you.

From International Business Times:

Selfies Linked to Narcissism, Addiction and Mental Illness, Say Scientists

The growing trend of taking smartphone selfies is linked to mental health conditions that focus on a person's obsession with looks...

From Wikipedia on narcissism:

Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride. The term originated with Narcissus in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.

Every time you take a photo of yourself and share it with the world, you're seeking gratification and approval from others for your appearance.

Back in 2012, I was intrigued by a work of art that someone had done, where they took a photo of themselves every single day for 365 days and then put it together into a video. It was to show their personal changes over a year. I thought it would be fun to do the same kind of thing.

I gave it up after a few months because I was uncomfortable with taking photos of myself. I recognised there was an element of vanity involved, showing myself to the world on a daily basis. The fact I was doing it for an artistic experiment didn't matter, because I felt uncomfortable doing it.

Being all narcissistic and putting myself on display just didn't feel right to me, so I stopped.

Lots of women take selfies. Lots of them take lots of selfies. They seek the attention of men so they can feel better about themselves. And they're encouraged by idiot, lonely and desperate men that give them that gratification.

"You're so hot! Here's my number, call me."

Etc etc.

What about you? Do you take a lot of selfies? Maybe you should just stop it, it's only catering to your mental illness. Your friends know what you look like. Strangers can see what you look like with your profile photo, if they're interested. The rest of your photos? Just share the beauty of your life and the world around you.

You can see your future too

There are some people who claim to be clairvoyants. They might be, they might not be - that's not the issue. The issue is - how valid is the future that they see for people?

People who go to clairvoyants are usually unsure of where they stand in life, and are insecure about what they're doing and where their path is leading them. They see clairvoyants, fortune tellers, tarot card readers, etc, in order to gain some reassurance about their lives, that what they're doing is right, or that there's hope for them in their near future.

Everyone is born with what I call 'reality's road map' of their life and the paths available to them, but most people can't see their map and they're lost. They're drifting around, trying to find a path that will take them somewhere positive.

Their visits to the clairvoyant are their attempts at finding some sense in the madness of confusion and uncertainty. They feel that people who can 'see the future' are going to help them find the correct path, or reassure them that the path they're on is the right one.

The problem is that the clairvoyants aren't always right.

Some people swear by certain clairvoyants, saying that everything they were told came true. And then others who might see the same clairvoyant find that years later, nothing that was said came true.

What makes their predictions for some people come true, and not come true for others?

It's because your path on reality's road map changes. It changes because you have free will. You can choose your path and you can change your mind at any time.

The path you're on at the time you visit the clairvoyant will lead you in a certain direction, and they may see that path and describe it for you. If you continue to follow that path, what they described will probably eventuate. But if you allow yourself to be diverted from that path, which can easily occur through interaction with other people and events, your path can change. And before you know it, you're on a completely different path as a result of your freedom to choose your own life.

But then, as far as you're concerned, the clairvoyant was wrong.

Here's a wake-up call to those who then use this as 'proof' that the clairvoyant is a fake. If they can see a future ('if' being the operative word here, of course) and describes it to you, then they're never wrong. It's always only a possible future that's relevant to your life in that instant. But if they don't understand the nature of change and free will in this universe, they won't tell you it might not happen. Hell, if they even let you think that everything they describe could be completely wrong, then there'd be no point in you coming to see them any more, let alone paying them for the session you've just had! They need your money as much as you need hope and reassurance.

I used to be a clairvoyant, a long time ago. I had success with telling people's future, and even seeing people's past. But I quickly learnt that sometimes, what I saw of a future didn't always happen. Parts of it did, but other parts didn't. I came to realise this was because the future is never certain. It's fluid, and it changes with our decisions.

So how is it that clairvoyants can see things that may or may not come to pass?

Good question, young grasshopper! I'm glad you asked.

The only explanation that makes sense, of course (at least to me), is that our choices in life create other realities (other dimensions) where each of those choices are real, as well as the ongoing consequences of those choices. They aren't necessarily the reality that you might end up in, but they exist nonetheless.

If you have three choices, but you can only choose one of them, realities come into existence where each of those choices are real.

Clairvoyants are able to psychically see the most likely reality ahead of you at the time you visit them.

Try to get your head around this (and let me know if you can!) - as a spiritual being you have the power to see how a choice may affect your life. You have a connection with a higher self that's not inside this reality, and therefore can see it from outside. You can see how choices create new realities, and you can see the consequences of each choice. You can see all the paths that become available to you as a result of each choice.

If the connection to your higher self is weak, then you're not going to be able to connect with that awareness of the consequences of your choices, and you're going to be drifting around, not knowing where you're going or what you're doing.

Anyone can be psychic and see their future

Clairvoyance can be available to anyone, not just 'special people'. Your 'spiritual connection' makes itself available to you in your trust and awareness of your intuition, your 'gut feelings', and even your own personal wisdom. If you have none of those feelings or qualities, or if you ignore them, then you are operating entirely on a physical level. You're not seeing the big picture.

The big picture is that if you trusted yourself, trusted your feelings and your heart, and let yourself do those things which you know and feel are best for you, then you would actually be on the path that you're meant to be on.

The interesting thing about reality's road map is that just like the map we have in a car's GPS, it details all the different paths that are available to us. It's up to us to choose which path we follow.

Opening our hearts and honestly accepting our feelings is the best way of choosing the best path for our life.

The signs showing the path you should follow are visible to you in how you feel about people and events in your life. If something or someone is causing you grief, you have the power to change it or walk away from it.

By walking away from something that's just not working for you, no matter what you're doing, then you're choosing a different path, and that can often be the most rewarding thing you could do for yourself.

The next time you have a number of choices to choose from, try something different. Take the time out for yourself to imagine, one by one, the results and consequences of each of those choices. See where your imagination takes you. Focus on the reality in your mind that branches off from each of those choices. Allow yourself to make a decision based on your feelings about each of those imagined realities.

How do you know that what you imagine isn't actually a link to that spiritual part of you that sees those realities taking place? How do you know that by making this a habit in your life, you are doing exactly what you hope the clairvoyants will do for you?

You're seeing possible futures, and you can use what you see in your mind to help you make wise choices in your life. The future you choose is entirely in your hands.

Reality's road map is unique to each individual, and everyone has access to it - if they only let themselves see it.

This blog now has a forum for paying members only

A long time ago - probably a bit more than a decade ago - I used a forum instead of a blog. It was quite successful at the time (and some of you were even around at that time!), and I filled it up with a LOT of content. Much of it was mine, but a lot of it was also from those who participated in it.

I stopped using it after a few years because I wanted more control of my content without having to deal with the constant onslaught of forum spammers that were often bypassing the security protections, and I ended up just focusing on the blog format. But I've never forgotten how popular the forum method was.

As of the most recent change to this blog's theme, which I really like, I decided today to bring back some of the forum methodology, but integrating this blog with a forum instead of replacing it with a forum.

It's now completed, in place, and ready to be used. But....

 

How to deal with forum spammers?

One of the significant challenges bloggers face is fighting spammers, who have ever-increasing levels of sophistication in their methods of attack. This is more prominent with forums. I've had forums over the years where spammers were a huge problem, even just last year with a forum integrated into a blog. It was an experiment, but it didn't work.

I spent more time dealing with spammers on the forum than I did with members of the forum community. It got so bad that I just had to shut it down. It didn't work because of the spam, and no matter what measures I took, the spammers overcame them. The only measure that worked was to not allow automatic membership.

While manually adding members can be tedious and time consuming too, it's nowhere near as time consuming as dealing with spammers and spam. The solution to fight spam is to manually control who gets access to the forum.

As a result, one thing led to another and I decided to make the forums private, to paying members only.

This is the best way I know how to combat spam, to ensure that members are added manually, and only when they subscribe to become a member by paying whatever they want.

Further information about this and how 'pay what you want' works is on the public forum topic, An Introduction.

 

It's about the value

Free forums are ridden with spam and often useless content generated by people who don't value what they're part of, or what they're able to contribute. When something is free, it has NO VALUE, because no money was exchanged for it. It's worthless.

By having forum membership via a paid subscription, it's going to be of value, and that means members are going to be thoughtful about what they're reading, what they're learning, what they're applying to their life, and what they're contributing.

Paying members will help ensure the forum is of a much higher quality than people who pay nothing.

 

You'll be a part of a quality community

You won't be alone, and you won't be part of a community that values nothing. You'll instead be part of a like-minded group of people that want to grow, and want to be part of a community that helps and supports each other's growth.

We're all on this journey through life together, and I'm asking you to join this community and be an active member of it. Its success will be helped by you, and in return it will help you find success too.

 

I want you to be a member

Using the 'pay what you want' model, there's no reason why you can't join in. For a minimum of $1 per month, you get access to a forum that will provide you with content of value, that will help inspire you, and help you learn and grow and achieve success in your life.

Surely that's worth at least $1 a month for you?

You probably spend considerably more than that on coffee every day. One coffee a day (how many a day do you have?) during working hours is about $60 (or more) a month. Think about that when you consider the value of subscribing to The Journey Forum to find ways of improving your life.  :)

Read more about it here, and I look forward to you joining in!

Backing up my life on the cloud

For well over a decade I've been using online storage solutions for files that have been important to me. But as the years have gone by, what I've wanted to store has quite dramatically increased in size. 2Gb of free storage is no longer suitable.

When I first began using online storage solutions - now called 'the cloud' - I used it to just back up a few important documents. I think it was Google Docs that I first began this process with. But then I began using Dropbox to include documents created on my computer, and various other personal files.

The normal amount of storage available to people using Dropbox is 2Gb, but I currently have 55 Gb of storage. Free. Don't ask me how I've got that; I think it's related to the number of times I've added Dropbox to new computers (or new installations on the same computer), and they give me a bonus every time I do so.

I used to have about 12 Gb of that storage taken up with documents and photos, but with the amount of times I reinstall Windows or Linux, re-downloading everything has been really annoying - not to mention a drain on the monthly download limits we have here in Australia.

I like the idea of getting everything backed up on the cloud, but when you have so much that you want backed up and stored forever, how do I do that completely and successfully?

I have a 1 Terabyte hard drive on my computer which I use as a local backup drive. It has about 700 Gb of files stored on there at the moment. Admittedly, much of what's stored there is sentimental rather than important. I found a 4 Gb backup of important documents on a laptop I had back in 2005. Do I need that now? No.

But I DO need that 50 Gb of photos I've got backed up!

Later...

(I started writing the above earlier this morning, and now it's almost midnight.) This afternoon I did some extensive research and worked out that the best solution for my needs is Google Drive. Free gives me 15Gb a month, but for $2 a month I get 100 Gb of storage, or $10 a month will give me 1 Tb of storage. Nice!

And the good thing about it is that once I upload folders of data, I can deselect the option to sync that folder every time, so that it just stays there in the cloud, always backed up, but never to be downloaded when I reinstall Google Drive on new computers. However, at any time, I can still access the files via a web browser, or I can download them at a later time.

This is a good thing. For the past couple of years, all my photos have been auto-backed up to Google Plus online photos, and always available. The 50 Gb of photos I have on my secondary hard drive is simply old photos from my past that I don't want to lose. I don't always need them available, but it would be nice to know they're always available should I need them.

Once I get all my needed files backed up on the cloud without syncing with my computer, I'll have less of a need for a large secondary hard drive. Most of my activities can be based on cloud storage, and I'll only use the hard drive for the installation of programs to run on the computer. All my really important, must-be-always-available files add up to about 5 Gb. Those are the files I can afford to always be syncing with a local copy for easy and fast access.

What about security concerns?

Unlike many people affected by media hype, I know that my data has no interest to government authorities. They don't care about me, because I'm not doing anything illegal or suspicious. And if corporations use my data to try and send me advertising that's relevant to my lifestyle, so what? I use ad-blocking software in my web browser so I never see advertising anyway, and email spam just gets trashed.

Life's much simpler when you block the advertising that you don't want to see.

It's also much simpler when you can base your activities in the cloud so that you can access important files wherever you are in the world, on whatever computer you might be using - your own, or someone else's, or even on your phone.

Having cloud access to files has allowed me to access them on my phone to show someone, or to send to them by email on the spot. It's very convenient.

Cloud storage helps with a minimalist lifestyle

If you're trying to simplify your life and become minimalist in your approach to it (as I am), then the more physical stuff you can get rid of, the better.

Files stored in your desk or even filing cabinet can be photographed and stored in the cloud, and then the physical files (where appropriate) can be thrown away. You don't have to worry about them any more. Just make sure your photos are adequately named and categorised and you no longer need physical storage in your house for anything.

You can even do this with those sentimental items that you put on the mantelpiece or in the cupboard, or in the garage because there's no room in the house. If it's your memories you want to cherish and a physical item helps you do that, then just take photos of it and throw the item away. The photos will help you remember as the years go by.

Backing up everything onto the cloud just makes life easier.