Untethering from what doesn't serve you

I'd like to talk about 'untethering', because I think it's important. But before I do, let me give you a quote from one of my favourite authors, Ev Bogue, to explain what 'tethering' is:

“A tether is an obligation that keeps me from moving forward with my work or life due to commitments that expend energy. Material possessions can be a tether, but tethers can also be immaterial, such as relationships and data.” - Ev Bogue

So 'untethering' is disconnecting from an obligation that prevents you from moving forward with work or life, allowing you to free up your energy on the things that are important to you, that help you move forward in your life and your relationships.

So what I realised today is that most people will avoid untethering from people or possessions in their lives because their dependency on the person or object is greater than their desire to let go of it.

In fact, some people will remain tethered to the idea of remaining tethered to something or someone. Their feelings of obligation override any concerns about how healthy it is for them, or how much time it takes from their day, or how much it hurts them. Only the obligation matters, and so they'll do everything they can to maintain it.

The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.
- Morpheus, The Matrix

Put yourself into The Matrix and imagine, if you will, that Ev Bogue is a member of the resistance fighting the Agents of the Matrix, and trying to wake up those who are caught up in the system.

Most of you aren't ready to 'untether', and many of you are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on those things you're tethered to, that you will fight to protect them. Or at least to find ways of justifying why you should remain tethered to the things that don't actually help you.

I admire Ev because I feel like he and I are 'fighting the same fight'. We just have different ways of fighting it. I see him as being outside the system, while I'm still inside it, still plugged in. And even though I see the truth and try to open other people's eyes to it, I'm still too afraid to completely unplug myself.

Ev, however, has already unplugged and exited the system.

What I'm learning from bankruptcy

For the past three years I've had an issue bearing down on me, which I did my best to put aside as I got on with the rest of my life. However, the result of it all was that I became bankrupt a few months ago. It's all quite complicated, so I won't go into the finer details, but the short (TL;DR) version is:

I became a company director five years ago, and ended up being responsible for paying over $200,000 to the Australian government for taxes and superannuation that should have been paid to them by my company's managing accountant but, according to the government, was never paid to them. Corporate law demanded that I pay it, which I couldn't, so I became bankrupt in June this year.

Note: this is a very long post, but it's what I needed to write. I'll do a 'contents', so you can sort of see what I'm writing about:

• Sometimes life just throws you lemons


• The impact on my life


• What am I learning from this?


• What about the Law of Attraction?


• Where am I going?

And now, on with the story.

Sometimes life just throws you lemons

There was nothing I could have done differently to avoid this - other than choose to not be a director of the company in the first place.

The 'company management' business (which included the company I was director of) ended up being sold to a very large and professional accountancy company that made the purchase after doing their own due diligence and not seeing any issues. However, it wasn't until after they'd purchased the company/ies and then did a more detailed financial investigation that they found some of the companies they had purchased had more liabilities than income (insolvent trading), and so the companies were put into liquidation.

It was the investigation by the liquidators that discovered there was a bigger problem which I was responsible for as company director under Australian corporate laws. As a result of the liquidation investigation I was declared negligent for not being able to see discrepancies in the accountant's financial reports, and so I was made responsible for paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to the government that it says it never received.

Being declared negligent was depressing. Considering that the professional accountancy company that bought the businesses couldn't see anything wrong in their own due diligence, I eventually felt better when I realised that if they weren't able to find anything wrong, how was I? But that didn't change the situation for me, of course.

After a couple of years of investigation by myself into my own option while struggling with the prosecuting lawyers, and eventually coming to the conclusion that bankruptcy was the only real option I had, I ended up getting very depressed about the entire thing. Bankruptcy has such a stigma attached to it, that I felt like I was a failure, and felt that it meant I wasn't able to cope with the intricate challenges of life.

I spent a great deal of time trying to work this out, in the background of all my other activities in life and my article-writing. I was trying to reconcile these events with all the positive thinking advice that I give others. Not to mention that I advocate the 'Law of Attraction' in many of my articles and personal philosophy, so I was trying to work out what I was attracting into my life that required me to become  bankrupt. (More on that below....)

Overall, I did everything I could to try and stay positive. Learning more about bankruptcy and what it meant for me was a major part of me getting over my depression about it. I was depressed because I felt helpless and out of control, but once I knew what the consequences of my choices would be, I felt in control again and was able to make those choices with some level of confidence. Now, I'm almost an expert on bankruptcy!

It was an odd experience for me to be going bankrupt - not because I couldn't afford to live my life, but because I was subject to actions outside of my control that resulted in corporate laws demanding I pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to the government that I wasn't able to pay.

I had only two options:

1. go bankrupt and pay only a certain amount over a set threshold, and only for three years, while having a bad credit rating for seven years, but allowing me to continue saving money along the way, or


2. pay the total amount they demanded, which would likely require all my disposable income to do so, and likely be over a period of ten years. I'd have no ability to save money for the entire ten year period.

Bankruptcy was the best choice, and was one I chose for myself, rather than having it forced upon me. When I received a summons to appear in court to have them demand I pay it or be made bankrupt, I declared voluntary bankruptcy at that point, so that I could avoid the stress of having to go to court to deal with a result that was going to be inevitable. By doing it myself it also allowed me to choose my own bankruptcy trustee, instead of having a public trustee provided to me if it was the court making me bankrupt. The difference is similar to being able to choose your own lawyer compared to being given a public lawyer...

The impact on my life

Luckily for me, my life has been one where I hadn't attained any significant assets they could take, so the impact on my life has been less than what it could have been. There's only two real effects it has on me:

1. The bankruptcy trustee receives 50% of any after-tax income I earn over a set threshold (example only: if the threshold is $1000 a week and I earn $1500 a week, then they would receive $250 a week from me) for three years, and


2. I have a really bad credit rating for seven years (although after the first three years I become a 'discharged bankrupt' and have a better chance of getting credit than an 'undischarged bankrupt').

I recently wrote about how I was excited to be considering an upgrade to my car. This was written from a point of view I had at that time (last week) that my current vehicle lease would be continued by the finance provider, who had assured me after I went bankrupt that it wouldn't affect their continued provision of the lease for me.

However, since writing that post, I arranged for the lease financier to provide me more information about leasing options, and I learned that even though they were happy to maintain the current lease despite my bankruptcy, that they wouldn't be entering into a new lease for any new vehicle. Nor would they be interested in re-leasing the residual in two years time (residual = the amount I'd need to pay to keep the car once the vehicle lease is over), which would mean I'd need to make a cash payment of about $18,000 at that time to keep the vehicle.

So I contacted my bankruptcy trustee for more information about my options should I pay cash for the FJ Cruiser during the terms of the bankruptcy, which would make the vehicle an asset instead of a leased vehicle. I know that once I went bankrupt I'm allowed to save whatever I can, as long as I maintain my payment obligations according to my income, but I'm not allowed to gain any new assets or they'd be taken away from me.

They assured me that if I saved enough money to pay out the residual, that the car would remain mine and would not be considered an asset as they've already 'disclaimed any interest' in it. However, if I was to sell the car instead and try to buy a new car, then that would be subject to investigation as a 'new' asset and would probably be claimed by them if it was over a certain value (about $7000 - they would likely sell it and give me back the $7000).

So I've started a savings plan to ensure I have enough cash set aside to make that residual payment in two years time, so that I can keep the FJ. Having that will be better than having nothing!

This, along with saving for the wedding next month, and for a (planned) baby next year, and for the rest of life's expenses over time....

What am I learning from this?

One of the things that I've wanted in my life is a more minimalist approach to my lifestyle. I've been lucky over the recent years that I've avoided purchasing major assets that could be taken by bankruptcy, and I want to continue that. Even though I don't plan on going bankrupt again (well... who ever plans it in the first place?), this experience is encouraging me to continue seeking and maintaining a minimalist approach to life, so I'm appreciating it for that.

It also means we'll (my fiancée and I) need to be careful with how we manage our finances and our life as we move forward, because we won't be able to take advantage of credit for a while - but that's certainly a good thing! Ultimately, I'm seeing this as a positive experience to assist me in developing a better foundation for my future.

One of the reasons I wanted to write about this was to talk about something that I know MANY people in similar situations keep to themselves. The stigma of being bankrupt means that they feel embarrassed and ashamed, and do what they can to keep it a secret from everyone they possibly can. Some people even decide they can't live with the shame and commit suicide.

I guess as part of my journey through life, a significant reason for me sharing my life's experiences is to let those who share the same experiences know that they're not alone, that there's someone else out there who's experiencing them too. And by sharing them, and bringing some of these 'kindred spirits' a feeling of relief that they're not alone, maybe I can help them. If a person who's feeling alone and afraid and considering suicide can read my words and realise that it might just be ok, then that's a life saved.

Sharing stories of your life can be worth more than you might ever possibly realise. I hold that in my mind as I share my own life with you.

The very biggest thing that I've learned from all this is how much my fiancée, Fanfan, loves me. Through my darkest times, where I've had nothing to give her, she's been there for me, giving me her strength and her love and her support. She would tell me that if we had nothing and were forced to live on the street, then she'd be there with me to keep me warm as we sat in our cardboard box, sheltering from the rain.

She'd hold me as I lay empty and depressed, and tell me that it's only one of those dark periods we have in our life. A 'down time'. With her strength and her support I was able to find my own strength to find and do what I needed to do.

Have I said I'm getting married next month? Oh yeh, that's right - I have. This woman is amazing. She's everything I need in my life, and I love her more than anything. 'Behind every great man is a great woman' - she's my great woman.

Anyway, on with the story...

What about the Law of Attraction?

Yes, I've thought a great deal about this and what I'm attracting into my life.

There's a few steps to achieving what you want when you use the Law of Attraction:

1. Work out what you want. Define it, hold it in you mind. Don't define the 'how', just define the 'what'.


2. Get out of the universe's way. Let it work out the best path for you to take so it can give you what you want.


3. Take action on opportunities that come your way that feel like they just might lead you in the right direction.


4. Before you know it, you'll discover that you've arrived where you want to be.

Becoming a company director five years ago felt like the right thing to do. Interestingly, becoming bankrupt and the consequences of it also feel like the right path I'm supposed to be on. At least, it does now that I've reconciled my ignorance about it, and appreciated what my choices and consequences were.

As a result of going bankrupt, I had no money and I was ironically without work at the same time. My fiancée and I were trying to do what we can to make ends meet, and since there weren't any jobs in Canberra, she suggested I look in Sydney. We were getting a bit desperate, needing money to not just make ends meet, but to also pay for our wedding costs.

So I looked in Sydney and happily got the first job I applied and interviewed for. I started almost a month ago, but had to come here to live and work during the week, and go back home to Canberra for the weekends. It's also been another struggle for both of us as we each try to maintain a life and lifestyle in two different cities (she's working in Canberra and I'm working in Sydney), juggling the costs of my 'living away from home' accommodation and expenses while trying to save for the wedding, and having to also deal with the emotions of being separated from each other.

But we're getting there.

And being in Sydney feels like the right place to be. The work is enjoyable, I'm managing the accommodation and commuting ok, and I've made a 'dinner buddy' at a local restaurant to keep me entertained at nights. He's an 'intellectual', so we have many stimulating and rewarding conversations.

Where am I going?

I don't know where the universe is taking me right now, but the path I'm on feels like the path I'm supposed to be on. There's pain and growth involved along the way, but I can feel that I'm moving in the direction I'm supposed to be moving in. I'll do what I can to avoid getting in the universe's way, and just let things be what they're going to be.

That's my story about my bankruptcy. Another adventure in the journey of my life. There's more to come.

If you have any questions about anything I've written above, ask below. I'll be happy to answer anything you want to ask.

Democracy in action

Democracy was the election process that gave approval for the elected government to engage in actions you, as an individual, might disprove of. You probably didn't even vote for this government. However, it's the will of the people in action.

You assume people want the same as you? They don't. Otherwise they'd be rioting in the streets, just like you want to riot in the streets. But I don't see them doing that, and I don't see you doing that. Therefore, your lack of action tells me you're ultimately happy with how things are.

Complaining about it on Facebook means nothing, and just tells me you're not really interested in getting up out of your chair to do anything meaningful, therefore your complaints on Facebook are a complete waste of everyone's time and energy.

Go hug a tree. You'll feel better. And the rest of us won't have to listen to your meaningless, passive noise.

If you really want to impress me, go organise a riot. And do it every month until you get the change you want.

Alternatively, you could do what Gandhi did, and just be the change you want to see. I'd be impressed with that too.

Seek the outcome, not the solution

For every problem you have in your life, there's always a solution that will lead you to the outcome you desire. It can be difficult to work out what the solution is, but I'm here to tell you that sometimes you just shouldn't try to work it out.

If you know what the problem is, then you can work out what your desired outcome is, which is often just the resolution of the problem.

Some examples:

• Problem: you're single and can't find a suitable boyfriend


• Desired outcome: you have a wonderful boyfriend!

• Problem: you're broke and have no money to pay the credit card debt


• Desired outcome: you have money to pay the credit card debt, and more!

• Problem: you feel trapped in a job you hate


• Desired outcome: you have freedom in a job you love!

• Problem: you can't buy that awesome car because other priorities are more important


• Desired outcome: you have the awesome car without your other priorities being affected!

It's easy to understand what a desired outcome is likely to be if you can understand and define the problem. But how do you get the desired outcome if you don't also define the solution that will lead you there?

This is where you have to let go of your desire to control everything in your life.

If you try to define the solution you'll then spend your time looking for opportunities and experiences that you think match your defined solution. If something comes along that doesn't match it, then you'll ignore it.

But that is exactly why you still have the problem in your life.

By choosing not to define the solution, you'll be far more open to taking advantage of opportunities that come along that might just lead you in the direction of your desired outcome.

How to define your desired outcome

The problem/outcome examples I gave above are very simplistic. When you start defining your desired outcome, you really need to go into great detail. You need to write a story about what the outcome looks like in your life, how it makes you feel, what your experiences are, and how rewarding your life is as a result of it.

For example, when I was single a few years ago, I defined my problem as always being with the wrong women, in the wrong relationships, doing the wrong things.

I wrote everything that I could think of to describe the experiences and feelings I would have in my desired outcome - a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with the right woman for me, including me being the right man for her - and then I put the two pages I'd written away in a drawer and forgot about them. A month later (just over two years ago now) I met a woman who I quickly discovered was a perfect match for the desired outcome I'd defined. Next month I'll be marrying her.

As the past two years have gone by, there have certainly been problems, just like in any relationship, but we've worked on those problems, and have gotten closer to each other as a result. Everything that I've been experiencing in my relationship with her has mostly been in alignment with the desired outcome I wrote about.

If I tried to define a desired solution to achieve the desired outcome, I would have screwed it up. I would never have met her, and never achieved the desired outcome, because I would have blinded myself to opportunities that didn't match what I thought I wanted.

So when you think about how you can resolve some of the problems in your own life, stop thinking about how you can resolve them, and just think about what the resolution or desired outcome would be.

Clearly define the outcome you want, and put everything you can into describing it, and then just let your eyes be open to all opportunities that come your way.

Don't ever hesitate to do something or take advantage of something that you think might be worthwhile or enjoyable or rewarding - you just never know where it will lead you.

If you have experiences that match this, where you've achieved your desired outcome, please feel free to share in the comments below.

Happy wife, happy life

I was just reading something that was talking about a study having found that men find women who smile to be more attractive than women who don't smile.

Well, duh.

Interestingly, the study also found that women found men more attractive if they looked ashamed, and that many relationships seem to revolve around 'man makes woman look happy, but then woman shames man so that she feels happy'.

It's truly fascinating how and why people do things.

But I digress. That's not the purpose of this particular post. In this post, I wanted to talk about the concept that men love women who smile, who seem happy, and so when they're in a committed and fulfilling relationship with a woman, the term 'happy wife, happy life' is one that is very important.

I know that I enjoy making my fiancee laugh. When she smiles it lights up the room. And my heart. When she's happy, I'm happy. So it's my job to do what I can to make or keep her happy.

A happy wife gives me a happy life.

She's not my wife yet, but late next month she will be.  :)   But I've known that if I do my best to make her happy, then the result is my own happiness.

What she does for me is nothing short of amazing. If my job is to make her happy, then it's her job - that she takes very seriously - to make me happy too.

Can you imagine the kind of relationship where everyone involved is doing their best to make each other happy? Sounds like paradise to me, and for me, my relationship is my slice of paradise.

But how many men and women do their best to make their partner happy? How many people fail to realise that their own happiness is dependent upon their partner's happiness, and their contribution to that?

Not many, it seems.

So as I move towards my marriage next month - and beyond - I'll be making sure I look after my own happiness by looking after the happiness of the love of my life.

Selfishness leads to mutual happiness.

Labeling makes things easier for me

I've known all my life there's something different about me, that I could never put my finger on. It inspired my constant search for personal growth, and for an understanding of the human psyche so that I could understand myself more.

But I also knew that formal study was something that didn't work with me, based on my school years. When forced to study according to an agenda I had no say in or no interest in, my aptitude was considerably lacking.

I learned in the years following high school that my ability to learn was enhanced only if I had passionate interest in it. If I had no interest in it, I wasn't able to find any enthusiasm, interest or success in trying to study it.

This resulted in me exploring only the things I was interested in, which meant I never pursued any formal studies like psychology, etc, because they would have components that I have zero interest in, therefore my ability to achieve a high overall score would be diminished. So any 'study' I've done over the years has simply focused only on those 'components' that have greatly interested me at the time.

Finding labels along the way has helped me focus my attention on areas that interested me. They allowed me to focus. I need that kind of focus on something in order to achieve some level of mastery of it. Hence my attraction for labels over the years as a focusing method.

In my case, the labels that have helped me focus have included most of what you can see in the list of Topics above. Assigning categories or labels to things helps me make sense of them, helps me integrate them into who I am.

Now that I've found I've got Aspergers (yes, another label), it makes a lot more sense to me.

And I'm comfortable with that.

I'm planning a new car

It's only been two years since the last time I got a 'new car', but now I'm checking out the market again. You see, I've got the FJ Cruiser (the yellow beast below) on a 4 year lease, and we're at the 2 year mark now. Gee, has it been 2 years already? Amazing. Seems only like yesterdaysince I first talked about getting it...

Anyway, I'm at the halfway mark with the lease, and things have changed quite a lot in my life. Back when I bought the FJ, I was a single man, and so I bought a 4WD that was suited to who I was back then, and the circumstances of my life. It's been a real blast ever since I got it; it's given me some very wonderful and rewarding experiences. But it was, essentially, my 'starter' 4WD.



So why a new car?

I'm getting married next month, and we're planning on starting a family next year. The FJ is certainly a great vehicle, and I know I'm going to miss it, but I need something more suitable for having a family. The 'suicide doors' aren't suitable for putting a child in the back; they're a pain in the ass for getting in and out of, and any passengers in the back need to have the front doors opened before they can get in or out. For someone like me, this is annoying.

So these are the features that are very important to me as I consider a new car:

• 'real' back doors


• plenty of space in the cargo area


• excellent offroad and onroad capability


• comfortable interior (I do a lot of driving)


• suitable for a family

And here's the really important one:

• it has to be able to get into underground carparks with a roof rack

Do you have any idea how irritating it is to not be able to take advantage of 'normal' car parking because my vehicle is too high to fit into underground carparks? No, you wouldn't have any idea. And neither did I, until after I got the roof rack.

I love the roof rack, and I'll be getting one for the new car (whatever I ultimately get), but my experiences with the FJ and its roof rack have made me realise how much of a pain in the ass it is to not be able to take advantage of convenient parking.

And so we meet the 2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland



What excites me about it is that it's the only 4WD on the market with variable suspension height at the push of a button. At its standard height it has the same ground clearance as the FJ Cruiser. But with the push of a button it can go considerably higher, and it can also go considerably lower. Low enough to get into underground carparks.... Now THAT is exciting!

However, I'm yet to test drive it, so it might be completely different to what I'm expecting. But we'll see. I do find it interesting that the 2011 Jeep Grand Cherokee was one of the Top 3 contenders that I was looking at back in 2011, before I settled on the FJ Cruiser, so the 2014 Jeep might win this time around.

There's also the likelihood that I'll be getting my fiancee her own Jeep before I upgrade my FJ.

We were talking about it tonight, and I thought she had a good idea that we upgrade her own car before we upgrade mine, so that hers is more capable of supporting her own changed requirements and be suitable for becoming a mother. She currently has a tiny car that feels like driving a coke can around. She likes the idea of having 'his and her' Jeeps, so what we might be getting for her is a Jeep Compass:



It's not an offroad Jeep like the Grand Cherokee is, but it competes with the Mazda CX-5 in terms of being a reasonable family SUV. It's also slightly cheaper than the Mazda, while looking better. And I think it also has more features and more power.

Again, we'll be test driving it vs. the Mazda and seeing which one would be better for her. Having her in a Jeep first would be fun, while I keep the FJ for another year or so, and then upgrading my own to the more expensive Jeep.

Exciting. I always love working out which new toy I'm going to buy....

If any of you have stumbled on this page because you either already own a Grand Cherokee, or you're looking for information about it, I'd love to have your feedback about it. What are your experiences with it? What do you think of it? Any tips you want to suggest?

The type of woman that likes a beta male

I had to laugh. I checked my stats this morning and found someone had arrived at this blog via this search term:

"type of woman that like beta male"

It tells me so much about the person doing the searching. He's realised he's a beta male, and he's trying to work out what kind of woman actually likes 'his type', probably so he can go look for her.

I'll make it simple. She's a woman who is doing the kinds of things that alpha men aren't. So think about it. Whatever alpha men are doing, that allows them to pick up all those hot chicks - she's not there.

If you want to find her, you need to get out and do more of the things that interest YOU.

You're a beta male. If you want to know the type of woman who's attracted to a guy like you, just look at the kinds of things you're interested in, that you enjoy, that you're passionate about. Those are the kinds of things that the woman who likes a beta male will enjoy too.

But make sure you get outside of your house to go do those things, so that you end up doing them with other people who share the same interests.

You WILL find the woman that likes a beta male, because she'll like YOU. You'll be doing the same things together, and having a great time.

Just don't be afraid to say hi to a woman. That's the single most important thing you can do to change your life. It's amazing what kinds of things can happen just from saying 'hi' and smiling.

You're welcome.

Privacy in the modern world

Privacy is such an interesting thing. The way I see it is if you want privacy you'll need to drop out of society. Your name, location and activities should not be registered anywhere; you should be completely 'off the grid'. If you're on the grid, forget privacy, you have none. They know where you are, what you're doing, and with whom.

The real question is, why should you care? They're not going to care about you - you're just another number in the system. The only time they'll care about you is if suddenly you're doing something suspicious and your name is flagged. And really, the only time you should care is if you're doing something suspicious and don't want anyone to know...

We're heading towards a reality where privacy is a quaint relic of a bygone era. You can embrace the lack of privacy into your life, or you can go crazy with fear and paranoia. Up to you.

I choose to embrace it. I know I'm not doing anything wrong, and so I stopped caring. Life is simpler when you just get on with it, instead of worrying about who's watching.