12 Reasons Why I Should Sell E-books

I'm looking to make me some money from the internet. I hear that ebooks are the way to go, so I'll be working on some original content from past articles that I've done, bringing them together in ebooks.

Here's a few reasons why I should be doing this right now:

1. Selling ebooks means my earning potential becomes unlimited. They're always available for people to buy. I will no longer need to exchange my time for money.


2. Each ebook becomes a new 'product', creating a new income stream. I can have multiple income streams instead of just one.


3. It costs me nothing to 'manufacture' an ebook, it's purely a digital product. I don't have to spend money on materials when selling them. It's 100% profit.


4. The market is the entire world, and the audience is everywhere.


5. I'm adding value to people's lives. My ebooks will give them solutions and information that they're willing to pay for.


6. Leverage is an important factor. The internet is a huge leverage tool in its own right. Advertising and affiliate marketing allows others to sell my ebooks for me.


7. It costs practically nothing to set up.


8. You spend the time on creating an ebook and then spend no more time on it once it's 'out there', and it keeps on making money for me.   9. I can work from home.   10. I can make sure my ebook business is fully automated, so that people can buy and download my ebooks without me doing anything.


9. Having published ebooks helps establish me as an expert in my niche, whatever that might be.


10. I can create an ebook and then have it available for sale to the whole world in less than a day. That's pretty amazing!   13. I can do write and publish ebooks in my spare time, while still maintaining a day job. Anything I earn will be a nice bonus.


11. When my ebooks become popular and earn me enough money to quit the day job, I'll have all the spare time I could possibly want, with the ebooks earning money without me needing to be 'working'.


12. If I want more money, I write more ebooks!

I better get started now!

Becoming a Perpetual Traveler

Freedom. It's something that's been important to me for many years. It's something I've aspired to, but never quite succeeded. And today I discovered a new term called 'Perpetual Traveller' that, simply put, excites the absolute hell outta me. You might be wondering what that is.

From its wikipedia entry we have this definition:

In practical terms, perpetual travellers (PTs) are people who live in such a way that they are not considered a legal resident of any of the countries in which they spend time. By lacking a legal permanent residence status, they seek to avoid the legal obligations which may accompany residency, such as income and asset taxes, social security contributions, jury duty and military service. For example, while PTs may hold citizenship in one or more countries that impose taxes based solely on residency, their legal residence will most likely be in a tax haven. PTs may spend the majority of their time in other countries, never staying long enough to be considered a resident.

Sounds attractive, right? Well, it sure does to me.

So now I have to build an internet business that can allow me to make money so that I can afford to pay for Fanfan and I to travel from country to country indefinitely. Not having to pay income tax on anything I earn is a mighty attractive bonus with that.

What about you? Have you heard of this before? Maybe you're even someone that does it, or knows someone that does it? Or maybe you'd like to know more about it?

Please leave your comments and feedback below. The more I can learn about this the better.

I'm going to see Bruce Springsteen

Fanfan asked me this afternoon if I wanted to see Bruce Springsteen this March 22nd, in Sydney. I was originally against the idea, thinking I've seen him once, I don't need to see him again. Which is why I hadn’t booked the tickets as soon as they came out.

However, while I was looking at the concert information she sent me a link to, I got such an incredible rush that almost brought tears to my eyes, that I realised it’s something I needed to do. Again. So I’ve just bought us two tickets to Bruce Springsteen for March 22nd.

The first concert I saw of his – and the only concert so far – was in Auckland 2003.

Whoah….  I just looked back on my old blog and found that I saw him on March 28, 2003. Almost exactly 10 years later I’m seeing him again. That’s somewhat spooky.

Anyway, back to where I was going with this. Back in 1984, I enjoyed his Born in the USA songs. Then in 1985 I listened to a ‘concert’ that the local radio station had one night, where they played a full 4 hours of his older music going back to 1972. I was not only shocked that I’d never heard of him before Born in the USA, but further shocked that I absolutely loved pretty much all of his music that I heard.

What followed was a new passion. I loved his music so much I went out and bought every album, and have bought every album since. I vowed to myself back in 1985 that I would see Bruce Springsteen in concert. It was a promise I made to myself.

It took 18 years, but I saw him in 2003, and it was honestly an amazing, awesome, incredible experience of a lifetime for me. And now again. The rush I got to my head a short while ago when I was considering not going tells me it’s going to be another amazing, awesome, and incredible experience of a lifetime for me.

Also the fact that I can share this with Fanfan.

I seem to have a lot of emotion about this right now. Odd.

My business: providing computer support to the elderly

I've been talking a bit about my business idea recently, but I haven't gone into too much detail about it. I think this is because I haven’t wanted anyone else to steal it, but that's really quite silly.

No one's going to steal it, and even if they did, they'd be doing it differently to how I'd be doing it. And they'd be doing it because they stole it, not because they created it as a result of being passionate about it.

So I'll talk about what I intend doing, as part of the 'promotion' of it. At the very least, it'll help me define exactly what it is so that I can move forward with it.

I was just reading an article - Organic startup ideas - which had some great information in it.

There's two types of 'startup' ideas, it seems. Those that organically grow from something you need for yourself, and those that grow from something you see others as needing.

In my case, my business idea is all about what I see others as needing. Let me go into more detail.

To be honest, desktop computers are probably on the way out as a consumable item. Laptops and tablets are becoming far more popular, and the latest iteration of hybrid tablets (interchangeable between a tablet and a laptop) suggest this is the future we're moving towards. At least in the next few years we'll see them gain in popularity.

Tablets are really popular, but only as devices of domestic convenience. They're not very good for doing actual work on them. But mix them with a connected keyboard that can be removed, and you've got a device that lends itself to productivity. Include the option to attach external monitors and you've got a replacement for your desktop computer that you can take anywhere and do anything with.

There's an increasing rush to use technology to allow people to stay connected with each other. Social tools are booming in popularity as devices become more popular. But who are they being social with?

It's certainly not with the older people in our lives.

These people are being left out in the cold, so to speak. They're intimidated by the technology that everyone else is using, and ending up feeling disconnected. People are talking about sharing their lives on Facebook, and video calling each other via Skype, and these grandparents out there are increasingly feeling disconnected from the activities of their younger families.

They try to get involved, and they go out and buy computers that no one teaches them how to use. It's left sitting there in the study, gathering dust. Or they play card games on their new $1500 computer that someone told them was a good idea.

They need assistance, and not by people running those 'sheep farm' training studios, where they get 30 people into a room, all of them sit down at a computer and try to follow the instructions being given to them. They're being trained how the trainer wants to train them, not how they want to learn. They're being trained on what the trainer wants to teach them, not what they want to be taught.

What's important to them? It's really very simple - being connected with their family.

How is learning about Word and Excel and PowerPoint going to help a 70 year old keep in touch with her granddaughter?

And so they remain disconnected, watching a world change around them, and increasingly feeling as if they no longer belong.

I want to change that.

I don't expect to change the world with this, but I do expect to change the lives of just some people, and that's good enough.

So my business idea is to provide in-home tutoring to people that want it, with the products that they want to use, to do the things that they feel are important.

Simple question - "What's important to you?"

"To be connected with those we love, so that we can continue being part of their life."

Phone calls are what most of these people use to keep in touch. Occasionally written letters sent using the postal service, with photos printed out and placed in the envelope. But that's a dying practice.

They don't know how to take photos, upload them to a computer, edit them, and then share them via email or Facebook. Things the rest of us take for granted are completely alien to them.

So I want to set up a home based business providing in-home tutoring to people. Visit them in their own home, help them understand and use their own computers, and teach them how to use only the software or social tools that will help them achieve their object - whatever that might be.

It's something I've been doing in my spare time on occasions for the past 15 years. Every time someone hears about how I work in IT, it's suddenly like I'm a doctor.

"Oh, you're in IT? Well, I have this problem with my computer... Do you think you could come over and look at it sometime?"

That's if they have a computer, of course. Sometimes they just ask for advice on what computer they should get so that they can do what others are doing.

So I've been doing after hours tech support for people throughout my life for many years now. It's obviously something I've enjoyed, or I wouldn't have done it. So now it's time to turn it into a business and actually charge people for the support I can give them.

Doing work with something that you're already passionate about is one of the biggest means of finding success with that business. Something that's been a hobby for many years can become a successful business. Start small, doing it after hours, but then when it becomes more popular and my income from it moves towards paying for my daily expenses, I intend quitting my day job so that I can focus on building the business even more.

I don't want to be a Business Analyst forever. I don't want to be working for Enterprise organisations providing support to government departments for projects I have no interest in other than the fact that it's what's expected of me so I can continue being paid.

I want to be doing something I really enjoy, that's helping people get something more from their lives. And helping older people stay connected with their younger family is something that really, really excites me.

There's other elements to this business too.

Providing advice to customers on what computer or device would suit their needs most of all. Instead of a computer, they might best be served with a tablet or even a large-screen smartphone, along with the support to teach them how to use it. Even going out and buying it for them instead of them having to, and saving them from having to deal with salespeople that treat them like idiots for not knowing the ins and outs of the latest technology.

Setting up a subscription service for all customers that provide them with daily emails providing hints and tips on how to use their computer, software and social media. Providing 'free' tech support as part of the subscription, with extra charges for support on top of what's available as part of the subscription.

The subscription service can also be made available globally, to anyone on the internet that wants that kind of support made available to them.

There's a lot about this that I really love, so I'm quite excited about building it.

Alan's Journey - the story of my life

I named this blog Alan's Journey, because it's essentially about my journey through life. The joys I experience, the challenges I face, and the sadnesses I have to deal with (hopefully not too many!).

One of the thoughts I've had for many years is that I'll write a book about the story of my life. Maybe I don't need to do a book, just this blog will do. Or maybe this blog will lead to a book.

Who knows? I don't. All I know is that I love writing. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been blogging since 1998. I've been keeping a diary since 1986, that I wrote in regularly. At least until I started blogging on the internet, that is.

Would you believe I almost threw out my diaries a couple months ago? I felt that they weren't important to who I am today. Yes, the experiences of my life have led me to where I am today, but what's important is who I am today, what I do, and how I feel.

But thinking about throwing the dairies away just didn't feel right. My memory is terrible, so there's going to be a need for me to review my diaries as I start working on the timeline, so that I can record 'titles' of events that occurred in my past, which will trigger the writing of stories about those events.

If I don't have the diaries to review, I'm going to forget half those events and never get around to writing the stories. So I'm glad I kept them.

Exchanging your time for money

We only have so much time available to us in this life, and what do we do with it? We waste it, exchanging our time for money from meaningless jobs, and then we spend that money on meaningless 'stuff'.

Occasionally we spend money on a holiday, trying to exchange the money for more time. But then we have to return to exchanging more time for more money so we can repeat the same meaningless cycle.

How's that working out for you? I can tell you that it's not working out very well for me.

It doesn't make much sense to me that we engage in this behaviour, but we do it because everyone else does. We do it because it's what we're expected to do. We do it because it's safe.

There's not many of us who spend our time wisely, doing things that are meaningful. Most of us just waste our time, and then before we know it, the years have gone by and we wonder where all that time went. We're running out of time, and we have little to show for it.

I think it's a much better idea to earn money without having to exchange my time for it.

You're probably thinking, how does that work?

Setting up a means of earning money without your active involvement is one way of doing it. For example, let's say you're currently exchanging 40 hours of your time each week for $1,000 a week. What if you could work only 4 hours a week for that same $1,000? You now have more time available to you while earning the same amount of money.

You could spend that time on things that are meaningful. Like with your family, your children. Your time would become far more valuable to you because you're able to do more with it, while still earning a reasonable income to support the extra time you're earning.

Many people think if they want to make more money they have to spend more of their time. That's not my goal.

My goal is to spend less of my time to earn more money. And then I want to have my money continuously increasing without me having to spend more time on it, so that the more money I earn, the more time I'll have available to me.

That's what I'm currently striving for.  I want to build a business that will earn me money without me exchanging a great deal of my time for it.

I'm in the process of setting it up. I think it's got a good chance of success, as long as I do it right. I'm still working out the details of how I do it right.

But there's also the idea that instead of waiting, I should just set it in motion. Create it and then modify it as it grows, or as I seek to improve it.

What am I waiting for? I'm not sure. I think I'm just wary about 'what if it doesn't work out?' But you never know if something will work or not until you try it.

So I'll be starting it this week.

Planning our wedding

My fiancee, Fanfan, and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding. We're looking at in approximately 6 months from now. I'll be documenting the progress in this blog.

It's going to be a small and simple wedding, because that's just what we want. But it's going to have her in a gown of some kind, with her father walking her down the aisle. So that's a good start for planning it.

As I get more of an idea about how it's going to turn out, with definite plans being set agreed upon and set in place, I'll add updates to this blog.

Life would be pretty boring without new adventures here and there, don't you think?

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

I wrote about expectations and resentments on Google+ back in late December, and after someone +1'd it today and reminded me about it, I thought I'd put it in here as well. With a few edits to improve it, of course.

When we have expectations about people and situations, we invariably end up disappointed by them, and when it's a friend or family member who's disappointing us, we can often end up resentful of them for not meeting our expectations.

Some scenarios:

"I expect you to clean the house the way I like it. But since you did it in a way I didn't expect - or you didn't do it at all even though I expected you to - then I'm resentful. No, I'm downright angry!"

"I expect there to be a particular style or taste of food at this restaurant, and if they don't appease my taste buds today, which change according to my mood, I'll let them know it! I pay them good money to serve me food that I'll like, and if they don't meet my expectations, it's THEIR fault! I might even sue them for it...."

"I expect you to behave a particular way because you're my spouse / parent / child / friend (take your pick), and since you don't act as I expect you to act, I'm going to be angry with you."

"It's my birthday. I expect an expensive gift. Wait... what's this? This isn't an expensive gift! I'm so angry!" (Alternatively: "I expect a gift. Wait, what's this? A card? Where's my gift? I'm so angry!")

Most of our anger and resentment of others come from unmet expectations. We place people into categories and assign them expectations associated with the category.

For example, we expect different things from our spouse, our parents, our children, our friends, our workmates.... When they do things that don't match our expectations, we get angry at them for disappointing us. For not thinking about us. For not caring about us. For disrespecting us.

All because they're not doing what we expect of them.

Life can be so much simpler and happier if we give up our expectations about people and situations and just be grateful for the good things we have in our life.

In the context of the scenarios mentioned above, we could instead be grateful that our loved one did their best to clean the house. We could be grateful that we can afford to go out for dinner and enjoy a good meal. We can be grateful that we have loved ones in our life and we're not alone. We can be grateful that someone cared about us to get us any kind of gift, or even a card.

When you're resentful at people for not meeting your expectations, you will end up making them not want to be around you any more. You create drama in your life and amongst the people you mix with. You create anger and resentment. You can even create illness that results from your physical and emotional stress. Dis-ease can often be fixed by bringing back the ease in your life.

Now is a good time to start making really positive and significant changes in our lives, and it starts with letting go of expectations.

Growing out of passive aggression

One of the most popular posts of my old blog is about how I was trying to grow out of passive aggression, and surprisingly succeeding! It's still getting people comment on it today.

The post was written only two years after I discovered I had Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD). That was five years ago, or seven years since I found out I have PAPD. I've come a long way since then.

The description for it today (on Wikipedia) is:

A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks


• complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others


• is sullen and argumentative


• unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority


• expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate


• voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune


• alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

One of the things I wrote back then, which is still true today, is this:

What helped me was the realisation that my passive aggression was only hurting ME, and preventing ME from realising my true potential or finding my true happiness. I realised that it's not up to someone else to help me cure it, or to understand and accept me for who I am. It was up to me to refuse to accept my own intolerable behaviour. I was responsible for what I was doing, no one else. Sure, I could blame my parents all I wanted… But they're not in control of my life any more. I am. It was up to me to take control and stop blaming others for my own behaviour.

It was all about accepting responsibility for the things that were happening in my life. Not trying to find someone else to blame, but making sure I did whatever needed to be done to fix whatever issue I was involved in. Even if I thought I wasn't responsible, I acted as if I was.

I finished my post back then with the following:

Basically, us passive aggressives have to stop accepting our own excuses and make some serious changes to get ourselves out of the stupid rut we're in.  Take charge of our lives and actually do something proactive.  We are responsible for everything we do and feel, and even the reactions people have to our behaviour.  BE responsible, and make some changes. It's nice to feel like I'm succeeding.

Now, five years later, I feel like I HAVE succeeded. My career has moved ahead leaps and bounds, and I'm with a woman who I love very much and who loves me for who I am, warts and all. Being loved and accepted by someone for who I am has been greatly rewarding, not only for the healing it's helped me with, but also for being with someone who really completes me. I can't imagine being without her in my life.

Don't get me wrong. It's still a struggle to continue avoiding the 'personality disorder' part of my old behaviour. I still experience episodes of passive aggression, but they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be.

It's easy these days for me to accept responsibility for any passive aggressive things I say or do - or don't say or do - and work on fixing them as soon as I can. It's easy for me to take ownership of things that aren't my responsibility at work, and make them my responsibility.

Everything's just so much easier these days.

But it's not that life is easier. That's still highly challenging at times, as it is for all of us. But I'm no longer afraid to take responsibility, and accept the consequences for it.

It's a great feeling.

Traveling while disabled

One of the things I'm intending doing this year is writing more about my travels, and my experiences as a disabled person, off-road driver and traveller. I'm not sure how many of those there are out there who fit into all those categories, but I'm sure they're out there, and I'm one of them.

I'm not disabled to the point that I can't walk, so I'm lucky and grateful for that. But I'm disabled in that I can't lift anything heavy, and I can't do a lot of bending, and I can't stand or walk for longer than a few minutes without it causing me pain.

I know, I know - "You can stand?! And WALK?! LUXURY!"

All those with a disability are unique, and I'm fully aware that my own disability is a lot less significant than many other people's disabilities. However, I'm not here to compare my disability with anyone else's, but everyone with a disability knows that they are disabled, in whatever manner that might be, and their life is impacted by that to the point that they're simply unable to share many of the same experiences in life as those who aren't disabled.

What I want to do is show that just because I have a disability that prevents me from walking, it doesn't need to affect my exploration of life and our world. Even to disabled people, there are a multitude of experiences that are available to them.

Of course, to those who can't even move or get out of bed, my posts might not be entirely suitable, but at the end of the day we can all find inspiration in anything.

It's 'an inspiration' that I want to provide for those that are looking for it. I want to give those that need it an understanding that they don't need to be limited by their body, and that there are things they can do to compensate for any physical weaknesses they might have.

One of the first battles, however, is in the mind rather than the body. We need to decide we're not going to accept our limitations before we can decide to do something about it. That decision might take years of struggle, but it's entirely possible to win - especially when what you're doing is fighting against yourself.

So I'll be writing about my experiences as I search for and find solutions to various issues that I have, with the intention of helping others search for and find similar solutions to their own problems.

It's my journey, and it's unique. But it can also be shared with those that will be encouraged to find ways they can enrich their own life experiences.

Introverts and friendships

Being an introvert, it's important for me to 'recharge my batteries' after being around groups of people. Such experiences just drain all my energy. This is the same with most introverts, if not all of them. They don't like crowds, they don't like parties, and they don't like being the centre of attention. I definitely fit into that category.

But disliking large groups of people is not the same as disliking people. Introverts can really enjoy having people in their life - just not a lot of them at the same time.

I've recently culled a whole bunch of people from my Facebook account. These were people that didn't interact with me in my life, or in Facebook. Some of them had been friends in the past, but time and distance between us have made us strangers. So I dumped them from Facebook. They'll probably never even know.

I looked at the remainder, and of the 82 people in the list, about 80% of them have been real face to face friends on my life. The remaining 20% have become friends via online interaction.

What are friends, exactly?

I think they're people who you enjoy interacting with, because they share common interests or activities. Something they do makes your life better or more interesting, and so you seek out continued interaction.

When that interaction stops, when you're no longer interacting, it can often mean the friendship is over. Time to move on.

But that's not always true, of course. Some friends might only interact with you once a year, or even once every few years. But they've been around forever, and you have a shared history that is still meaningful to you, and they'll never stop being friends.

As you'd expect, I'm speaking like an introvert that values deep and meaningful connections.

What about extroverts and friendships?

Continuing with this theme (speaking like an introvert) and based on my observations of people, I occasionally find myself wondering how deep and meaningful the friendships are that extroverts have. How often would they engage in deep and meaningful conversations? Or do they just not care for that kind of thing?

Shallow conversations about meaningless subjects seem to be the theme of extroverts. I suspect they're great friends with those who reflect themselves, who also engage in shallow and meaningless conversations. Shared interests are probably activities where they do things more often than they talk about things.

My thoughts on this only go as far as my own experiences and observations have taken me.

If there's any extroverts out there that have really deep and meaningful connections with their friends, I'd really love your feedback about how you develop and maintain those connections.

Coming up with a business plan

In all my years as a Business Analyst, I've never done a Business Case. Until last week. Now I'm an expert at them. At least, according to my employers, I am. But it's interesting to me that I've learnt about them at this moment in my life, because right now I'm considering a business idea.

It's something that came to me while I was on holiday a month ago, and which has been festering in my mind ever since.

Providing home tutoring for the elderly on how to use productivity tools on their computers, as well as how to use the internet and social media.

I got a massage tonight from someone in her 50s, and I was talking about it with her. She loved the idea so much she wants to be my first customer.

She also agreed with me that there's definitely a market out there of elderly people who've got no idea how to use their computers and social media to enhance their lives and keep in touch with loved ones.

So this festering idea is gaining strength.

I like the idea of also providing a subscription service that allows 'free' telephone tech support and advice, but if something requires a home visit to fix a problem or implement something I advised, then that would obviously cost extra.

So I think I'll do up a business case, now that I know how to do them. And follow that with a business plan.

I'm quite excited about this.

My back went out today

I woke up today feeling a slight twinge in my lower back. This is usually a sign that I need to make an appointment with the chiropractor for a readjustment of the spine. So I went off to work, got out of the car, and the twinge turned into a 'twang!' as something shifted in my pelvis and gave way.

I've had it happen before, where a pelvis/hip joint goes out of alignment and you get sudden pain and and inability to move properly. When it happens - like it did today - I can't straighten my back without it seriously hurting, so I walk with a slightly hunched over back. I also walk with a limp, because I can't straight the leg either, without causing more pain. So I try to deal with the pain I have and walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame....

When it happened today I limped from the car into the office building and then called my chiropractor. Luckily she was able to see me straight away, so I limped back out to the car and drove to see her, where she did some 'adjustments'. Lots of bones cracking later, and I felt a bit better, and drove back to work.

I spent the rest of the day trying to do my work while resting in the chair, but it didn't work very well. Every time I had to get up to talk to someone or go somewhere, I was in a lot of pain. So eventually I went home about 2:30, having had all I could take.

Since then I've been at home relaxing, taking it easy, trying to let the problem sort itself out.

I think a joint around the hip has popped out or something. I think the chiropractor called it the sacro-something or other...

I just did a Google search for the 'sacro something or other' and found this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacroiliac_joint

It's inflamed, and needs rest. It happens every now and again.

Welcome to my life. My Journey.

[I posted another post prior to this (I've been struggling with a disability...), copied from something I wrote on Google+ last month, on Xmas Eve. I decided to start a new 'Disabled' category here, because I'm disabled, and this seemed like a good time for it.]

I've been struggling with a disability...

[I wrote this post on Google+ on Xmas Eve last year, and I decided to put it here as well.]

I've been struggling with a disability since 1993, almost 20 years now. The disability is invisible to those who don't know me.

I've had a herniated / collapsed disc in my lower back which bulges out against the sciatic nerve. When I'm walking, the pressure of gravity on the spine causes the disc to bulge out even further, causing pain in the lower back.

The longer I walk, the worse it gets. If I'm walking for more than 5 minutes, my legs go numb. As soon as I sit down or even rest and put my weight on something, it eases the pain and I get feeling coming back into my legs. Only for the numbness to return again when I continue walking.

It's something I've been able to cope with and manage. I get regular chiropractor sessions to put my skeletal structure back into place (the spinal weakness causes my muscles to compensate, which seems to pull my skeletal structure out of alignment on an ongoing basis). I also get regular massages, although I haven't done for a few months because my girlfriend does a lot of that these days, and gets my body feeling all relaxed. (From massage! Get your mind out of the gutter...)

Recently, however, I've had some new problems. Due to the offroading enhancements I've made on my #fjcruiser , it will no longer fit into undercover parking and I have to look for street parking or outdoor carpark areas. On the weekends, this is ok, it's not too busy and I can find carparks near my destinations so I don't have to walk very far. But during business hours during the week, it's a completely different story.

When I've needed to come into the CBD to attend a meeting for work, parking for my vehicle has been nonexistent. I've often had to find parking quite a distance away, which has been about a 15 minute walk.

This is a nice, easy distance for most people. For me, it's been a freakin' nightmare.

So after much deliberating and self-questioning, I booked an appointment with my doctor (meeting him in a couple hours from now) to get him to authorise a Disability Parking Permit.

For the entire period of this disability, I've refused to accept it as a disability. I refused to accept or acknowledge that I'm disabled. Twenty years ago I was sent an 'invalid application form' because the nature of my disability was such that I couldn't work at the time, and the independent government medical assessment determined that I'd never work again and was thus eligible for an invalid pension.

I threw it away and angrily said "I'm not disabled!" and got on with my life instead, working where I could, in the industry that I could. Which happened to be IT, where I can sit down and relax all the time.

So now, I'm at a point in my life where I have to accept and acknowledge that yes, I'm disabled. Walking is a significant problem for me, and yes, I need a disability parking permit for those times when I can't get a normal park close by where I need to go.

There's an embarrassment within me, a sense of broken pride that I can't cope with what my life is giving me. But as someone explained to me recently, it's about maintaining the quality of my life, and if this permit will do that, then I should make use of it.

There's also the knowledge that there are many, many others who are far more disabled than me, who I would be worried about taking a space for someone more deserving. But that's part of the acknowledgement of my own disability that I'm working through.

There's also the embarrassment I'll feel when challenged by someone when I get out of my vehicle in a manner that suggests I'm not disabled at all. But I read this article just now which inspired me to write this post.

http://www.abc.net.au/rampup/articles/2011/01/17/3114690.htm

This particular paragraph resonated with me:

Comparing one person's needs to another's echoes the old adage about comparing apples and oranges. It's subjective and pointless. A person with a disability who doesn't require a wheelchair could be in an incredible amount of pain; a person with a wheelchair could be pain free, but have to overcome a lot of difficulty to exit and enter their car; a person with an upper body disability might have trouble carrying items long distances, or pushing a trolley. Who's to say which struggle is more deserving when there is limited disabled parking available?

And then this paragraph also struck a chord with my own way of thinking:

As a permit holder and sometimes wheelchair user, I am mindful that there are people with needs different to mine. My choice to use disabled parking is calculated by considering my pain level, plus distance, divided by regular parking availability. If I don't need it and have another option, I won't park there.

So in a couple of hours I'll talk to my doctor and get this application form authorised by him. I remember he offered to authorise this action about 14 years ago, but I refused at the time.

Tomorrow I'll have a disabled parking permit. Tomorrow I'll be disabled, and I'll accept that.

Passive Aggression and Relationships

I grew up with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) into my adult years, and had it affect my life and quite a few of my relationships over the years. I just never knew, and thought it was always other people with the problem, not me.

I only discovered in 2005 that I had it, at the age of 39. I took it seriously, because what I read about it completely explained a lot of my own behaviour and feelings. When I found out that most PAPD sufferers just don't heal because they can't accept responsibility for their actions, I knew that I had to accept responsibility for everything, even if I 'knew' I wasn't responsible.

The results were spectacular. By accepting responsibility for my behaviour and my choices, I was able to 'clean up' my life, building a rewarding career and finding a woman that completely matched my values and helped me heal because she never 'pushed my buttons' that resulted in passive aggressive responses.

Based on my own experiences with PAPD and significantly healing myself from 30 years of negatively trained behaviour, I feel very strongly that I can help others with PAPD, or at least their partners. It's not surprising to me that most of the people approaching me, after reading my articles on the subject, have been lonely and distraught partners who don't know how to deal with their partner after years of passive aggressive behaviour.

It saddens me that so many men refuse to treat their partners with love and care, but I completely understand why they're unable to. I can only hope that what I write will at least:

1. allow some of these men to find it and reach their own realisations that lead to their healing, or


2. help their partners find ways of dealing with it that can result in the healing of their passive aggressive husband, or


3. give them the courage to move on.

What is Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder ?

PAPD is a result of being emotionally suppressed and punished as a child by their parents. I think that it’s more common for mothers (or parents) to suppress the emotions of boys and punish them for it, than it is girls to have their emotions suppressed and punished.

I think there’s been an expectation by parents (particularly of the generation around 30-50 years ago - that's been my personal experience, of course) that boys shouldn’t be emotional, but girls should, so boys get punished when they’re emotional. However, I haven’t looked for any evidence to support that, it’s just my perception.

Passive agression is common amongst most people, but it becomes a personality disorder when it negatively and significantly affects most aspects of your life, and becomes your primary behaviour.

Growing into adulthood, the PAPD sufferer is unable to express themselves emotionally. They usually don’t feel safe to express themselves, because they’ve been taught as a child that any expression of emotions will be punished, so they hold onto this understanding as they grow into adults. This will be exacerbated by choosing women who 'punish them' (perceived by them as nagging, complaining, etc) for the expression of their feelings.

Ironically, they often find themselves attracted to women who have similar qualities to their own mother’s attitudes and behaviours. This is because it’s somehow familiar and attractive to them, but the resulting problem is that they also end up being resentful of their partner’s attitude and behaviour.

How does this affect their relationships?

They maintain a ‘rebellious teenager’ kind of attitude, where they’ll agree to doing something but then never get around to doing it, and then when confronted about it, they’ll find all manner of justifications as to why they didn’t do it, but also find blame for their partner's nagging and controlling behaviour.

Since they’re afraid of being punished for expressing their feelings, they’ll often keep their feelings to themselves. Add this fear of expression to their anger about their past, and also about how they feel they’re being treated in the present by their partner, and passive aggression is a result.

This can include subdued and subtle expressions of anger (usually, but it can also become over expressions of anger and violence), as well as self-sabotage as well as relationship-sabogate, simply because they don’t know how to deal with their feelings. They ‘lash out’ in ways that they’ve learned over the years protects them from being punished, makes them feel justified in their actions, and that it’s never their fault.

Avoiding personal responsibility is a common theme with PAPD sufferers, because they feel they can’t be reasonably punished if they’re not responsible. Therefore any 'punishment' they receive is not reasonable, as far as they're concerned.

How to heal

What I’ve learned from my own research into this is that most PAPD sufferers are unable to find healing, because ‘they’re not responsible’. How can they heal a problem if they think they’re not the ones with the problem?

Unless the PAPD sufferer is aware of his problem, acknowledges and actively tries to find a way to heal himself, then any attempt by his partner to change him or help him heal will only be met by resentment and continued passive aggressive behaviour from him.

He'll resent her for trying to change him, want to be accepted for who he is, and will continue to believe that he doesn’t have a problem, and that it’s her and everyone else in his life that has a problem.

If he can’t work towards his own healing of his own free will, without her ‘forcing’ him to, then he will continue resenting her behaviour and attitude and will continue to think it’s her with the problem, not him.

If she really wants to help him heal, then she has to find the strength within herself to let go of her expectations about him. Completely cease trying to tell him what to do, and completely cease ‘punishing him’ with her own complaints about his behaviour.

She effectively has to let him go, to do his own thing, and to make herself emotionally vulnerable. If he thinks she's in control, or that she wants to control him, he’ll be resentful of her. If he thinks that she's letting him take control, and she ceases trying to control him, then he’ll find a sense of happiness and reward within himself.

Her emotional vulnerability will allow his own emotional strength to be asserted, in a manner that is safe and rewarding for him.

Subconsciously, what he’s tried to do in his life is find someone who is like his mother, but isn’t his mother. He wants to be in control, without being controlled. He wants safety to express himself, without being punished for it.

If he can’t get that, he’ll continue being PAPD.

If his partner can’t give him what he needs because she's got too much anger in her, or she can’t get past her expectations of how he should behave as your partner, then she's not going to be able to help him find healing.

Most PAPD sufferers leave a trail of broken relationships in their wake because they’re unable to accept responsibility for their behaviour. But it’s also because their partner is unwilling to be what they need in order to help them avoid resentment and anger, and provide them with safety to explore their feelings and find their own path to healing.

If giving up her expectations and letting him be in control (so that he can be in a different state of mind to where he currently is) is something that she's just unable to do, the problem will remain, and the most likely result will be the ending of their relationship.

It takes both members of a realationship to create a conflict, but it also takes both of them to resolve the conflict.

Good luck.

What if it's not working?

If you're in this situation and you find that you’re doing everything you can to let him feel safe, allow him to express his feelings, to have a sense of control in the relationship, and you’re still unhappy with the result, then it might be worth considering that it’s time to move on.

You’ve given it your best shot, and if the relationship continues to be unworkable and unfulfilling, you have a responsibility to yourself to look after your own best interests. Find the courage to do what’s right for you.

If children are going to be involved, it might get messy, but if you approach this with care and love for everyone concerned, you can arrange an amicable separation. Don't give him anything to react aggressively to, and he won't.

Again, good luck.

Contact the author

Please don't hesitate to email me if you have any specific questions, concerns or scenarios that you'd like my feedback with. I'd be happy to help out.

Why this blog sucks

I was reading a really interesting post on another blog that struck a few nerves with me. Made me feel all tingly, in a not so warm kind of way. So that made me want to do some writing. And here I am, writing about why my blog sucks.

It was a post on various methods needed to make a great blog, and how without engaging in these methods, your blog is likely to suck. I decided to write about my own blog in the same format.

Epic Posts

Long, descriptive, valuable content that readers want to bookmark and share. I certainly don't have that, and I never really have. I'm still trying to work out what knowledge I have that others might find of value, and present it in ways that others might think is amazing and want to share it with everyone they know.

To be honest, I'm not good with epic posts. I always think that most people don't have a lot of time to read something 'epic', so I try to write short articles or posts that will fit into their available time for my material. If they like it, I hope they'll stick around a bit longer and read some other short pieces as well.

As for epic posts in my future, I don't know. I'll work on it.

Be Helpful

Great bloggers solve problems for their readers.

There's a part of me that wants to solve people's problems, but another part of me wonders what problems readers might have that I could possibly solve.

I know that I want to help people make better choices in their life, but I also think that most people don't even see that as a problem. They're usually completely unaware that their choices might be a problem, so they're not looking for help with that.

I'm not sure how to help people with something they don't think they need help with. Maybe I'm approaching it all wrong? I'll work on that too.

Networking

If you want to promote your content [...] online you have to build relationships with bloggers that are more popular than you are.

I'm an introvert, so building relationships is a little difficult for me, regardless of whether it's in the real world or online. I've made some online connections over the past 17 years of being online, some of which I'm still in touch with today, but a big part of my personality resists establishing relationships simply to promote something.

I'm uncomfortable with saying, "Hey, I want to get to know you and develop a relationship so that I can ride the coattails of your success and maybe get a few scraps from your discarded bones." That's just not me at all.

However, I know that most people enhance their audience by getting someone popular to help them out, and it's at least a nudge for your own success. And many people out there just love to use their own popularity to help other people get their own following.

So I'll work on getting over what I'm uncomfortable with, and to contact other like-minded bloggers out there that might enjoy or appreciate my work enough to mention it to their own fans.

Tell Stories

If there's one thing I do really well amongst my closest friends when I'm socialising with them is tell stories. I can sometimes deliver a story in a way that has people rolling with laughter.

I'm going to try and write some of my stories as if I'm telling my closest friends, and then publish it here. I have a feeling that could work out quite nicely.

Be Unique

"You are all individuals!" "Errr... I'm not." - Monty Python's Life of Brian

I'm still trying to find my niche, to find that which stands out from others. Or, as some say, I'm trying to find my 'voice'.

I think I have it, and I think that it works for me. But where's the readers arriving in drones to read what I write about? Well, they're not coming, so that tells me my voice not only isn't being heard, but it isn't worth listening to.

I'll keep exploring my 'voice', to see if I can find a topic that people want to hear about, as well as a way of writing that they want to read more of.

Have A Story

In order for people to take notice, you have to be doing something worth noticing.

This is true. What am I doing that's worth noticing? Not much.

What guy are you?

I'm the guy that's still trying to work out what kind of guy he is. Maybe that's the kind of guy I am? Maybe that thing I could be doing that's worth noticing is writing about trying to find out what kind of guy I am?

I'll keep looking into it.

Be Everywhere

Super bloggers [...] are active everywhere.

Yeh, I just can't be. At least not yet, and maybe not for a long time. I work 8 hours a day, and when I come home I'm usually brain dead from my work. The last thing I want to do at home is to do more 'work'.

I know it's kind of a 'catch-22' situation. If I didn't have to work a 'day job', I'd be able to spend more time to be active everywhere. But until I'm active everywhere, I don't see myself as being able to quit the day job.

What to do? Obviously just the best that I can do within the circumstances of my life.

Promotion

...you have to promote it to get more traffic. That means getting guest post and mentions from popular bloggers.

I'm not sure how this is any different to Networking, but maybe they just wanted to add another bold heading and couldn't think of anything else?

In Summary

This exercise has given me a few pointers to helping me make a better blog. Will it become a great blog? I'm not sure. Time will tell.